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THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2000. PAGE 5.
Faith, hope and
chastity
We humans have spawned a lot of stupid
inventions during our brief, brisk frolic across
the surface of this planet. To wit: golf, men’s
neckties, women’s bras (let’s put the clasp at
the back to really drive them nuts!), daytime
TV, rap music, Donald Trump...
And chastity belts.
Chastity belts. Think about those little
beauties for a moment.
A guy says to his sweetie, “I love you dearly,
but I couldn’t stand it if anyone else loved you
as dearly while I was out of town, therefore
I've come up with this swell genital harness of
leather and steel that I want you to wear
perpetually.”
“So that you’ll think of me. Every time you
go to the bathroom.”
You probably assume that chastity belts are
merely a bizarre aberration of the Middle
Ages, right? A grim and unenlightened time
when doddery old Nobles who happened to be
married to buxom young lasses needed a way
to insure spousal fidelity whilst they (the
menfolk) were overseas bravely and selflessly
crusading against the Heathen Swine?
Well, you’re half-right. The concept of
chastity belts did indeed first surface in the
European consciousness back around the time
of The Crusades, when chain-mailed do-
International Scene
By Raymond Canon
Not so negative,
please!
It was not long ago that the United Nations
announced that, according to their annual
survey, Canada had been judged for the sixth
time in a row the best place in the world in
which to live.
Hardly had the news hit the print and the
airwaves than there were predictably some
Canadian commentators jumping in with their
comments that something must be wrong,
Canada was simply not that good a place in
which to live.
Some of these commentators were of my
profession and, while I admit that economics
is frequently known as the dismal science,
there is no need for someone to go out of his
or her way to make it so. These dismal
economists argued that there must be
something wrong with the survey, that in some
important categories we were somewhere in
10th - 20th place.
As to who could be the most dismal, these
economists had some support from their
Separatist ilk in Quebec for whom anything
good said about Canada is strictly some
propaganda from Ottawa. To say something
nice about us would give their readers the
impression that it was too good a country to
leave and Lucien Bouchard would never stand
for that.
Well, maybe he wouldn’t but so what?
As in most surveys, it can always be argued
that the promoters had a certain bias. However,
since it is the U.N. that commissioned this one,
it can hardly be argued that it was done with a
Canadian bias. The U.N. could probably care
less which country comes out on top; they are
gooders from Britain, France and the so-called
Low Countries were merrily galloping around
the Middle East, crossing swords with Saladin
and his gang.
And being seriously sexually deprived into
the bargain.
Sexual deprivation leads to deep thoughts
about fidelity, chastity and ail that. No doubt,
those homy nobles thought long and hard
(sorry) about the ladies they’d left behind.
The idea of enforced sexual fidelity was a
powerful one - especially for males, who were
well aware of their own libidinal limitations,
but were never quite sure when, their mates
would cry “Enough!”
And so, the chastity belt came into vogue -
and flourished through the Middle Ages, right
up until the 19th century.
As a matter of fact, as late as 1848 there was
a twisted Scottish medical doctor who
sincerely advocated the use of chastity belts as
a preventive against, ahem, self-abuse.
Be that as it may, the contorted concept of
chastity belts, in an age of Morning-After
Pills, Madonna videos and testimonials from
U.S. President Bill Clinton has thrived so
much so that I am reluctantly constrained to
report upon the evolution of the chastity belt
for (ouch) men.
It’s true. A manufacturing company in
Nevada is marketing CB-2000 - a lightweight
plastic cage that fits around the male ahem
ahems, secures them with a brass padlock and
insures that they don’t get up to any
probably as surprised as anybody that Canada
has managed to achieve this distinction six
times running.
What the survey does is give all the
countries on our planet something to aim at
and, if a nation can improve its standing from
one year to the next, all the better.
This continual ranking at the top is not-to
say that Canada is the highest in all categories;
we simply have the highest average in a
number of categories.
We do not, for example, have the lowest
percentage of people below the so-called
poverty level but I, for one, have always been
somewhat suspicious of the criteria used to
Letters
I ~ ~~1
Letters to the editor are a forum for public opinion and comment. The views expressed do not
necessarily reflect those of this publication.
THE EDITOR,
OPP* Project-P pornography division has
laid charges against a local young offender in
connection with a raid on a local computer
store and home in December.
Charges have been filed for two counts of
possession of child pornography and two
counts of distribution of child pornography
via the internet.
There are a lot of rumours and speculation
going around Wingham about who was
involved, and since they are a young offender
they cannot be named.
However something really bothers me.
Some people actually think that we might
have had something to do with this - which
extracurricular hanky panky.
Does it work?
Hey, it not only works, it’s transport
friendly. Says one enthusiastic hamess-ee:
“Take my word for it, (the male chastity
device) is secure, comfortable, restrictive and
airport safe. I don't even know that it’s there.”
Rather puts me in mind of the medieval laird
of the Highlands, who, upon being called up
for service in the crusades, called his most
trusted, loyal fellow noble to his side and said:
“Nigel, I am off to The Wars, and know not
when I shall return. I realize that behind me, I
am leaving a young and earthy wife, and that
is why I called you here to accept this key.”
Whereupon the departing knight confers a
large brass key upon his colleague, explaining
that this is the Key of Fidelity binding his
young wife to the Lord, and to guard it with
his life.
The friend bows, acknowledging the
profundity of the request. The knight departs
for the Middle East. Two days and two nights
later our hero is in transit, crouching at a
bivouac one evening, when suddenly the peace
is shattered by the thunder of clattering
hoofbeats.
It’s our Lord’s best friend, who has galloped
these last two days full out, in order to
intercept his friend, the Knight.
In a welter of dust and hooves the man
dismounts, thrusts forth a bronze key and cries
“Sire, sire!
You gave me the wrong key!”
establish such data. Depending on how you
spend your money, two family units with the
same income may find one with all sorts of
problems and the other living quite
comfortably.
It should have been established long ago, but
apparently not, that throwing money at a
problem is not a guarantee of curing it.
But let’s get away from the negative reaction
on this matter. Accept that we live in a country
that enjoys high standards of political,
economic and religious freedom. Let’s admit,
too, that now and again we may just do
something right.
Perhaps more often than we think.
we certainly did not, so we must clarify.
We were not the computer store that was
raided in December. We have nothing to do
with this nor was our internet service
involved, and the fact that something like this
has even happened in Wingham disgusts me
greatly.
I’m in a precarious situation because I do
not want to be seen as bashing a competitor
but at the same time how would you feel if
your wife had been called a sicko while
walking your kids to school?
I have spoken with the Wingham police and
if you have any questions concerning this,
you are encouraged to call them.
Mark Steffen.
Purposeful existence
There’s a line of comedian Tim Alien’s that
I like to spout at home when a reminder is
necessary : “Men are only good for lawn care
and car maintenance.”
Certainly, I don’t believe in the literal
interpretation; men do have their other
purposes. However, I must admit to a degree
of female chauvinism. There are just specific
tasks I believe are the domain of men. Also, I
expect men to just know how to fix things.
It probably goes back to my Dad. I don’t
recall a repairman ever being called for a
break down of any kind at our home, though I
suppose from time to time it may have been
required if for no other reason than Mom got
sick of waiting for the job to get done by the
man of the house.
Thus it was, that after a failed test run I
discovered I wanted a guy just like the guy
who married dear old Mom. I need a spouse
who can take care of the things I can’t, and
perhaps more honestly, won’t. And I am
pleased to say I found handyman
extraordinaire.
I often wonder if Mark ever gets sick of
hearing his name called from another part of
the house. It is usually a harbinger of disaster
— something’s not running, something is
running, something’s making noise,
something’s not making a sound at all. He
typically answers with a nonchalance equal to
my panic, and I can relax assuming the
situation is solved.
Quite frankly, I am sometimes in awe of this
person who can dismantle the most intricate of
appliances without apprehension and attempt
to discover what’s amiss. But it’s not right to
put someone on a pedestal, so fortunately it
doesn’t take long before reality steps in to
balance the partnership.
For this hero, who can re-wire, repair,
rejuvenate just about anything in the house,
this connoisseur of the trades who can do most
of the repairs on his car and build the garage
to do them in, cannot program the VCR. He
has serious problems with the computer and
hasn’t even attempted to learn what the CD
player can do beyond being turned on.
The kicker came last week. My dryer broke
down and he was called into action when
“Mark” was bellowed from the basement.
After a time he asked for my assistance.
Descending the stairs, 1 saw my dryer, guts
removed, intricacies exposed. What was
required of me I soon found out. “How do you
turn this on?” asked my Jack of all trades.
“Push in the dial.”
Well he spun that dial ’round and ’round,
clicking the switch he held in his hand. I
reminded him, now more awed than ever, that
’round and in are not the same thing. After
finally figuring this out, he used the switch to
shut it off, then clicked the switch again to
turn it on. “Push in the dial,” I chanted. This
seemed to surprise him. “You have to do that
every time?” he asked dumfounded.
And so, it would seem I have my purposes
too.
It might be said we exemplify the human
race. We are a world of differences and it
wouldn’t work otherwise. Scientists are
nothing without technical support. Travelling
salesmen need mechanics, processors need
producers. Never think yourself above anyone
for what you can do. Think instead where you
would be without their talents.