HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2002-09-04, Page 5Bonnie
Gropp
The short of it
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THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2002. PAGE 5.
Other Views
Hair today and gone tomorrow •
Just when I've decided that there is no new
thing under the sun, my newspaper
informs me• that there's a brand new hair
bank just opened down in California.
It's true - and you can make your personal
deposit today. Just cut off a hank of your
head hair and mail it to Mike Blaylock at
Hairogenics Incorporated in San Francisco.
Mike will (for a fee) take your truncated
tress, custom-treat it to prevent disintegration,
then vacuum-seal it in a protective baggie
and ship it off to a fireproof. flood-proof,
climate-controlled cellar vault in Portland,
Oregon.
There, your hair will stay -until, well...until
something happens.
This isn't just a business venture for Mike
Blaylock - it's a personal crusade as well. You
see, Mike is one of millions of men who get a
chilling message from their bathroom mirror
every morning. The mirror tells them that they
are slowly, inexorably succumbing to MPB -
Male Pattern Baldness. -
There are various tactics a man can adopt to
combat Male Pattern Baldness. He can slather
goops and unguents like Rogaine into his
retreating hairline.
He can shell out a small fortune to have
plugs of hair yanked out of his back and
punched into his scalp.
He can buy himself a hairpiece to replace the
expanding divot on his skull.
There's just one downside to all these
solutions - they don't work. The chemical
treatments_and the hair transplants will, at best,
leave you with a head of hair that looks like a
bad lawn.
If you can't find a doctor to look at your
aches and pains, he may be busy helping
the wealthy get rid of their facial wrinkles.
Residents from Premier Ernie Eves down
have expressed concern there are not enough
physicians to treat people with real ailments
and the province says it is rushing to train
more. ..
But there are plenty of doctors, trained at
huge public expense, ready, willing and
available every day to tuck ' in your tummy,
straighten your nose and raise your drooping
eyelids.
Their advertisements can be found
increasingly in newspapers here. A plastic
surgeon who advertises his 'exclusive' facelift
says it will turn back the hands of time and
make those who have it feel better.
Another doctor promises to make you 'look
years younger in just 30 minutes' and a third to
provide a youthful, more vibrant look.
There is the doctor who advertises 'are you
tired of always looking tired?' which may lure
busy men and women executives who feel life
wears them down.
There are doctors who offer to enhance or
augment (fancy wording for enlarge) breasts,
remove fat quickly by surgery and straighten
crooked eyebrows.
Some claim they have appeared many times
on TV, implying this is an ultimate sal of
approval that proves they do a good job.
One ad lists the names of no fewer than 80
doctors in Ontario who describe themselves
proudly as 'wrinkle management physicians.'
There is a dentist whose work is solely
providing cosmetic treatments to make smiles
more beautiful and seems to be paid well for it,
because he accepts only two patients a day.
There is 'even a company that offers credit
cards specifically.sa people can pay while they
enjoy their new faces. They do not come
cheaply. Face-lifts commonly cost $5,000-
$8,000 and even having a solution injected that
Hairpieces, aside from being uncomfortably
hot and inherently treacherous, don't fool
anybody. A man wearing a toupee invariably
looks like he's transporting a small forest
creature that crawled up on his head and
expired.
Mike Blaylock figures there has to be a
better way. He figures that science will
inevitably come up with a genetic cure for
baldness. Problem is, he might be bald by the
time it happens.
Ergo, the hair mausoleum in Portland,
Oregon. The way Mike sees it, incipient
baldies can store an actual sample of their hair
until some future Doctor Frankenstein comes
up with a procedure to take that preserved hair,
re-vitalize it, and presto - a full head of hair
once more.
Well, yeah, maybe, I suppose.
But my advice - and I speak as a card-
carrying chrome dome of three decades
standing:
Let it go, guys. It's no big deal.
What, after all, are the advantages of
carrying a swatch of body fur over your
eyebrows?
Dandruff. A medicine cabinet crammed with
expensive tubes and cans of mousse, gel,
fills in wrinkles for four months is about $400-
$500.
Patients have to pay for their cosmetic
treatments unless they are considered
medically necessary, but more are being
'prompted to have them because of the
overwhelming emphasis in much of today's
society on the desirability of looking young
and beautiful.
It is almost impossible to turn on TV, watch
a movie or sport or open a magazine without
being reminded the people who are focused
on, are youthful, vigorous and attractive. It is
not surprising many want to join them. People
are almost told they should be ashamed of
looking old.
Patients also are being -offered more and
simpler treatments. These include, on top of
complex surgery done for decades, injections
of liquids under the skin.
While the more complex surgeries are
performed mostly by plastic surgeons, other
procedures can be carried out, by by other
physicians and the financial rewards are so
good many with diverse training, including
some family doctors, are doing them.
Many cosmetic treatments are totally
justified and paid for by medicare and they
include repairs of deformities suffered, in
childbirth, giving those treated a chance to live
normal lives. These also include reconstruction
of faces and bodies of those injured in vehicle
and industrial accidents and fires.
Doctors are doing similarly vital work when
shampoo and conditioner. Greasy shirt collars.
Regular trips to the barber to listen to stale
hockey news and paranoid government
theories.
Bald guys don't have to put up with any of
that. We're like a paid-off house - free and
clear. No overhead.
Besides if you really, really want to save
your hair there is one foolproof method. Go
this route and I guarantee that not only will
you go to your grave with a thick thatch on
Your noggin, you'll also be able to hit those
really high notes like Celine Dion.
That's right men, I'm talking about
castration. There is no such thing as a bald
eunuch. Put...well, baldly, a defoliating chap
can elect to retain his testicles or his head hair,
but not both.
So, ironically enough, baldness is a sign of
virility.
Not everyone recognizes that. Some guys
who are going bald fear that women will no
longer be interested in them as partners.
Wrong, guys. Certain women may look
down on hirsutely challenged suitors — but
those are the airheads, the bimbos and the
Barbie Dolls. Once they're out of your life
you're left with real women with functioning
brains - the ones who know that a cascading
pompadour is about as important as, well, big
boobs.
I say, skinheads of the world, unite - we
obviously have nothing to hide.
Now if you'll excuse me. I think I'll slip out
the back way.
Anything to escape those hordes of women
hammering at the front door.
they remove lumps, moles and other growths
that may lead to cancer, and severe acne that
can make life miserable.
But taxpayers pay hundreds of thousands of
dollars to train each doctor. Doctors pay for
only a small part of their lengthy training and,
as Eves keeps saying, society does not create a
doctor overnight.
Many of these doctors trained at huge public
expense are now spending a lot of time trying
to make people look younger and more
glamorous with treatments that work only for. a
while, anyway.
They would be helping them more in the
long run if they encouraged them to eat and
sleep better and get more exercise, which
requires some effort.
Having doctors spend less of their time
prettying up .patients would not solve the
doctor shortage, but it "would be a start.
Letter
continued from page 4
discussion from general membership. •
Officers and staff can only assume that the
members are content with the evolvement that
has happened.
Moreover, at all of the annual meetings I
have been involved in, I do not recall any
presence of local press.
Your suggestion to find a system that invests
local money into local initiative is not new obut
should be renewed. It cannot happen without
local leadership from local people and the.
local press.
I hope you can continue to make that point
and that the public will recognize that the
finure of private enterprise in our rural
communities depends on real local effort and a
desire to vacate Our omfortable rut.
The wheel has already been invented. We
just need to keep it turning.
Mason Bailey.
Time of loss, of rebirth
AII that's left is a few feathers. As of this
past weekend, my husband and I have
become, officially, empty-nesters.
I say officially because our baby. our oson,
has been preparing us for this eventuality
gradually over the past year. Having taken
time to determine what exactly he wants, his
departure for college was imminent. Also, like
many young men and women, his evenings
were typically not spent in our company, so we
kind of got used to his absence.
That said, I continue to be rather ill-prepared
for, the sudden hollowness of my home since
all the birds have flown.
I've never looked forward to the day when
my kids would be on their own. As a matter of
fact I have dreaded it with my whole heart and
soul. For as long as I can remember my house
has been full and for as long as I can remember
I haven't ever wanted it any other way.
But, one by one, as all parents must do, I
have helped my children move on, into a new
home, a new city, a new life. Each has been a
fulfilling and heartwrenching experience. The
years went way too quickly, something I never
noticed until the years were gone.
However, as I noted before, I expected this
departure to be different, at least with regards
to the wrenching. My baby has spent the
longest of all my children under my roof. He is
ready and excited to be taking this next step.
What kind of mother would I be if I were not
excited for him?
Yet, even before he left there had been tears,
which multiplied in the days since. They will,
I know from experience, continue off and on
for days to come. I miss his face, his humour.
his music so much.
It is to be 'expected. Experts have stated that
the empty 'nest is one of the most difficult, yet
least discussed times in a person's life. It'', a
natural progression after all, so we buck up,
keep our sadness hidden, or downplay it, and
usually don't give our feelings their full due,
(they say.
However, it is also a time of loss and for that'
we should grieve. What has happened should
be noted, the emotions acknowledged. What
we have always known is gone and a new time
is beginning.
Experts also say that this new time, once we
are ready for it, can offer us some of the best
there is. I must admit, that having for the past
year anticipated and thus somewhat steeled
myself for the flight of my son. I haVe
glimpsed the merits of this second life.
For starters there will be the easy suppers.
no veggie haters, veggies onlys to cater to.
There will be times for quiet reading. quiet
music. I can finally really get to know that
fellow with whom I've been enjoying 'a
partnership for over two decades.
More importantly, there will be an
opportunity to spend less energy on others and
more on ourselves.
- Yes, I can see the possibilities behind the
new beginning. It is a rebirth. But before I
begin I will take all the time I need to say
goodbye to what has,ended. I will take some
time to adjust to my energy not being needed
by others-and how I can put it to good use for
myself.
I know I will never stop missing the way
things used to be. I will think often about the
joyful moments of raising young children and
know I was lucky. The re-birth will happen
when I truly recognize I still am.
A wrinkle in the health care issue