The Citizen, 2002-07-03, Page 5THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, JULY 3, 2002. PAGE 5.
Other Views
Talk about the ravages of time
I have everything now I had twenty
years ago - except now it's all lower
— Gypsy Rose Lee
Ah, yes - gravity. Dirty trick number 10
in God's Manual for the Middle-Aged.
You can pop anti-oxidant inhibitors
like Pez pellets, work out on your Nautilus
around the clock and watch Buns of Steel
videos until your eyes fall out, but sooner or
later, gravity Will Have Its Way With You and
you will wrinkle, droop and sag.
It's the law.
And it's even worse than I thought. There
was a charming little news item in The Los
Angeles Times recently that indicates gravity
saves some of its most ingenious handiwork
for the human face.
"Between the ages of 25 and 65" says -an
article written by Benedict Carey, "the nose
stretches by 10 per cent on average, its tip
moving downward by about a quarter of an
inch. The brows can shrink by a third of an
inch, the ears by slightly more, the cheek tissue
by as much as half an inch.
Over all, more than 30 per cent of a person's
facial area may drop from about the mid-face
line into fleshy folds below."
Thanks, Benedict. I needed that.
Ah, well. It's not like the ravages of gravity
are the only surprises waiting to bushwhack
the unwary as they make their way through
middle age.
Most humans around the age of 40 suddenly
find they have to hold books and newspapers at
arm's length-before they can make out the
print. •
s omething unusual happened in the
legislature the other day — all MPPs in
all parties laughed at the the same time.
This was because new Progressive
Conservative premier Ernie Eves, who is
definitely not Mike Harris, sent a cake across
the floor to the Liberal finance critic, Gerry
Phillips.
Phillips, normally among the most reliable
MPPs, had predicted on TV a couple of nights
earlier Eves would not postpone the tax cuts
Harris promised before he retired and offered
to eat his hat if he did.
Phillips had good grounds to feel safe,
because Eves's Tories hinted they would not
postpone the cuts despite a revenue shortage
and the Tories under Harris even passed a law
forbidding any delay, which they had to
change.
Eves sent over a cake shaped like a hat and
Phillips took the ribbing in good heart, saying
he deserved it for believing the Tories would
never back down on such a fundamental and
now accepts they will do anything to stay in
power.
Phillips said Liberal MPPs and staff
munched it with relish, although the thick
layer of icing, Tory blue naturally, took some
swallowing.
The last time Phillips was involved in an
exchange with a premier it was with Harris,
who called him an 'asshole'.
Eves has created a friendlier atmosphere in
the legislature. For a start, he is there more
often to face their questions, which makes
MPPs feel more important. Harris was
criticized for frequent absences.
Eves also is a lot more accommodating in his
policies. He backed off selling the electricity
transmission network outright, as Harris
planned, and his budget that delayed the tax
cuts gave the opposition parties some of what
they asked for and left them less to attack.
Eves also has come up with some pleasant
surprises in the legislature that make MPPs
wonder what next? The Liberals demanded he
repay $78,000 severance pay he took when he
quit for a year and Eves disarmed them by
revealing he repaid it a month earlier.
Eves removed another thorn when the
"You have presbyopia," my ophthalmologist
informed me cheerfully. "Relax."
"It's a normal condition of aging. Your eye
lenses are losing their elasticity - turning kind
of leathery. We in the profession call it 'old eye
syndrome'".
Thanks, doctor. 1- needed that, too.
My favourite example of the treachery that
awaits all of humankind on the threshold of
middle age is The Hair Thing. I speak as a hair-
impaired person, you understand. At the age of
20 I began to notice that my cute little widow's
peak was becoming more of a peninsula. My
hairline was receding.
Over the next few years I watched, dismally
as my peninsula became an island then an
islet, then...well, skin, surrounded by a
horseshoe-like atoll that ran from ear to ear
around the back of my head.
Fine. It was traumatic, but...fine. I adjusted
to being a bald guy. Came to enjoy it, actually.
You meet a better class of person as a bald guy.
Besides, I never wanted to be loved for my
hair.
But then came Dirty Trick Number 13.
Unwanted hair. There comes a day when most
aging males discover that they have more hair
opposition said taxpayers should not pay
Harris's legal fees in a $15 million libel suit he
launched against a newspaper and Eves said he
agrees and they won't.
Eves raised eyebrows pleasantly when he
accepted private member's legislation brought
in by New Democrat Marilyn Chuiley as the
basis for his government's landmark laW
aimed at assuring safe drinking water after the
deaths and illnesses at Walkerton.
Attorney General David Young, discussing
government legislation that will enable social
workers and police to remove child prostitutes
from streets, commended Liberal Rick
Bartolucci for paving the way with his private
member's bill.
Governments often adopt opponents, ideas
without recognition. Liberal leader Dalton
McGuinty also was warmer than the normal
formalities in welcoming Eves back, saying
his companion, former minister Isabel Bassett,
is 'a fine person and you are lucky to have her
on your side, and draw strength from your
loved ones, because they more than anyone
can sustain you.'
This does not mean MPPs from all sides are
rushing to throw their arms around each other.
McGuinty says it has been painfully amusing
to watch Eves trying to put so much_distance
between himself and his predecessor. It would
hurt partly because Eves is trying to trespass
on the Liberals' turf.
McGuinty has accused Eves, as he did
Harris, of lurching from crisis to crisis and
added Eves has thrown away any convictions.
Eves, who always had an inclination to be
testy, has accused McGuinty of yipping and
yapping and squealing and whining and said
he must be. hard up for questions because he
asks such poor ones.
on their back than their head.
Hair on the back - whose dumb idea was
that?
And how about hair growing out of your
ears? And rogue hairs that suddenly pop
out of your eyebrows like hollyhocks on
steroids?
Those are just some of the sadistic surprises
the aging process springs on all of us - and I
haven't even mentioned such treats such as
aching joints, failing hearing, jaded appetites
(you know what I mean) — and trying to
remember where the hell you left the car keys.
Still, I might as well enjoy it, because it
looks like I'm going to be here for a while,
There are some pretty stout branches on my
family tree.
Take old Uncle Oscar on my mother's side.
He was in to see the doctor for his annual
checkup the other day. The doctor couldn't
find a thing wrong with him.
"You're in good shape for an old-timer" the
doctor told him. "It must run in your family.
How old was your father when he died?"
"What makes you think he's dead?" asked
Uncle Oscar. "He's 90 and still going strong."
"Impressive. What about your granddad -
how long did he live?"
"What makes you think HE'S dead" says
Oscar. "He's a hundred and six - and he's
getting married to a 22-year-old next week."
"But that's insane," says the doctor. "Why
would he want to marry such a young woman
at his age?"
"WANT to?" says Uncle Oscar, "He HAD
to."
He dismissed Liberal George Smitherman
by saying he will understand better when he
has been 20 years in the legislature like
himself.
Eves put down another young Liberal
whippersnapper, Michael Bryant, by saying he
thinks he is the most articulate, intelligent
lawyer ever on the face of the earth and the
whole world must bow to his expertise. These
are harsh words, but not quite as spirited as
Harris's.
Letter
THE EDITOR,
Both Huron County and Bruce county are
enacting stronger bylaws to control private
woodlands.
In Huron county, approval is required to
harvest pine trees that have been planted on
private lands. In some cases, landowners will
not be allowed to harvest the trees. Meanwhile
the owner has paid for the land the costs of
planting and maintaining the trees. He pays the
land taxes and tax on revenue. He is required
to pay additional fees under the new bylaws.
The use of his property will be further
restricted because of the trees growing on the
land.
Forestry consultants who are lobbying for
the new bylaws will gain financially at the
landowners' expense. Landowners are accused
of being "anti-environment" when they object
to having their property confiscated without
compensation.
Who would plant more trees under these
terms?
Our democracy is based on just principles. If
strong new controls over private lands are
required for the "public good", then the public
should share the costs of maintaining the
remaining stands of trees.
The county should offer to buy the timber
rights to private woodlots and manage them
with public funds. They could also buy private
lands and plant more trees.
While there is a strong pro-lorestry lobby,
we have yet to see public suppP)rt for such
initiatives.
Ron Mattmer
RR2, Tiverton, ON.
Memories of '68
B onnie our blondie digs the new teenage
heat. This line about yours truly was
penned by Miss Bell in' an ode to her
Grade 8 class of '68.
From the previous September to that June,
our teacher had gotten to know us amazingly
well. Thirty-four years later I can still recall
some of that poem and still recognize this fact.
Actually 34 years later, I'm somewhat
impressed by what I can still recall about my
final elementary school year and the time in
which I was living. Historically it was an
electric era of societal and moral change, of
conflict and conflicting views.
In 1968, when People were speaking of
peace, love and understanding Martin Luther
King and Robert Kennedy were assassinated,
and racial conflicts continued. The Vietnam
war was claiming the lives of thousands, while
protests for peace took place across the United
States. Young people began to think more
about getting back to the earth to what is
natural, while experimenting with
hall ucinogenics.
And like being in the eye of a cultural
hurricane, our Grade 8 class though aware of
what was swirling around us, enjoyed a final
big moment in the relative calm of naivete.
As the many graduates since, we marched
proudly two by two through the school's
auditorium to the front seats. I remember
singing enmasse The Halls of Ivy reworded to
say the halls of Central, which we had
practised under the diligent tutelage of Mrs.
Hamilton for weeks.
The certificate and awards presentation was
endless. Today's students might be surprised
by the size of the 1968 graduating class.
Where the largest class. this year was about 35
we numbered 75. We were of the baby boom.
I recall the. danci: afterwards, where unlike
the dances for my children's recent
graduations, students did not change out of our
fancy duds. Not the fluffy confections worn by
today's graduates, the outfits could perhaps be
described as better Sunday best.
I can still remember my dress. Mine was a
white, buttoned-front bodice with black piping
on a vertical frill and the collar, connected to a
full black-and-white large checked skirt,
accented with, of course, a wide, bright-orange
patent leather belt. In retrospect, quite ugly,
but back then I thought I looked fab.
' Fab, as my fellow boomers will know was a
good thing. An abbreviation of the less hip
fabulous, it really arrived with the Beatles, the
Fab Four. Beat, cool, groovy too were part of
the mod generation lingo.
Music was diverse in a non-distinct sort of
way. Everybody had something to say, but said
it to different audiences. Lyrics were taking on
more serious issues than-boy-meets-girl topics.
Psychedelia was responding to the growing
drug culture.
,But there were still the bubblegum groups
with banal lyrics and •fluffy melodies,
inoffensive and pure for the straight arrows
and innocents.
In 1968 girls, and boys, were growing their
hair longer, skirts were getting shorter. Ideals
and values were questioned and challenged.
And I, a girl who dug the new teenage beat,
having just completed another step in life's
journey was ready to leap into the maelstrom.
Liberal finance critic takes the cake