The Citizen, 2002-02-27, Page 5THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2002. PAGE 5.
Other Views
Birds do it. . .liees do it.. .
even educated fleas do it. . .
- Cole Porter
W hen deer produce 'em, they're called
fewmets. When they come from
otters they're called spraints. For
dogs, the proper word is scumber, and for
seabirds, guano.
Even paleontologists have a special name for
it. When they find one produced by a dinosaur
and fossilized by the ages, they call it a
coprolite.
I am referring, in case you haven't guessed,
to poop.
Considering its commonality to all species,
doo doo doesn't- get nearly the respect it
deserves. Some species almost don't do it at
all. The Guatemalan jumping viper hits the
outhouse but once a month, while the average
rabbit unloads about every three minutes. "
Humans? Well, as you and I and the folks
who make Exlax and the folks who make
KaoPectate know only too well - it depends.
If it makes you feel better, Sigmund Freud
was constipated for the better part of his life -
which probably explains that pained
expression he wore.
Good job Freud wasn't Italian. Mussolini
was deeply suspicious of constipation. He
considered it a symptom of latent communism,
and ladled out copious doses of castor oil to
anyone he considered a `carrier'.
Other famous figures have ascribed great
powers to common poop. The philosopher
Pliny prescribed hippopotamus, droppings as a
cure for epilepsy.
W hen I was living in Europe, I
frequently used to see, signs
scribbled' on walls saying "Yankee
Go Home." It was not hard to' see that the
Europeans did not like the Americans too much
for one reason or another.
"However, I confess to having seen another
similar sign one time in France which said,
"Yankee Go Home, but Spend your Money
first." I suspect that this latter sign was a little
bit closer to the truth.
There seems to be a general dislike of
Americans but countries do like the fact,
whether they admit it or not, that American
tourists are big spenders and contribute a
considerable amount of money to local
economies.
Canadians are in many ways no different
from Europeans in this respect. They like all
the money that Americans spend here but we
carry out a rather constant criticism of them
and their ways; they are too brash, flag-waving,
claim to be the best in everything, ignorant of
other countries ... well, by now, you get the
point. Many of us have stories of American
idiosyncrasies. •
Come to think about it, Canadians are rather
prone to complaining about their own country
but that is another matter.
However, I might just turn this whole matter
around and tell you a bit about what the
Americans do not like about Canada. They
may, in actuality, not know very much about us
or our country but one thing they definitely do
not like is our unwillingness to carry our fair
share of military preparedness; we have, in•
fact, been sheltered by the American armed
forces for the better part of 50 years.
• Ottawa has over the years succeeded in
reducing our expenditures on the military to
less than that of any other members of NATO,
an organization which we were instrumental in
founding. We have only to look at the state of
our military forces to see what that has
(Used in a poultice or digested? Do we really
want to know?) Michelangelo slathered
donkey dung on his statues to give them that
`aged' look. Hippocrates swore by pigeon poop
scalp massages as an antidote to baldness.
I have known hairlessness and I have known
pigeon droppings. I believe I'd rather be bald.
Aside from quack remedies, has the stuff
ever done us any good? You bet.
Natives on our prairies depended on `buffalo
chips' for fuel. For centuries, China has used
human excreta extensively for fertilizer.
And some say that Australians never would
have had organized agriculture if they hadn't
imported millions of tons of guano to make
their soil fertile.
Unidentified droppings have had their
moment in the military side of world affairs as
well. Back in the late 1970s, when the United
States was mired in a particularly deep swamp
of doo doo called The Vietnam War, newscasts
and newspapers were suddenly full of
speculation that the wily Viet Cong were
launching chemical warfare attacks.
The proof?
Huge swathes of southeast Asian jungle
foliage spattered with little yellow spots. It
Raymond
Canon
The
International
Scene
accomplished.
The Americans also have the belief that any
foreign or domestic policy that they introduce
should be acceptable to Canadians since,
however little that they know about us, they
believe we resemble them to the extent that we
are really Americans by another name. When
we object to any of these policies, they are
hurt, puzzled or downright angry.
This all seems to have started back in the
days of Pierre Trudeau who thumbed his nose
at Washington's policies a number of times.
Dislike of any of our policies which run
counter to theirs is now passed-on from one
administration in Washington to another.
In a similar vein Americans are convinced
that we are incapable of doing anything better
than they. The U.S. health-care system is in an
even worse mess than ours but, when former
President Bill Clinton tried to propose a
universal system based on the Canadian one, it
was roundly turned down. Washington, it was
argued, had to find a truly American solution to
its health problem, not copy a Canadian one.
Since' we are understandably capable of
doing some things better than the Americans,, I
can imagine that this will go on being
something of a pet peeve in Washington.
In this vein, when I go,to visit my relatives in
the U.S., I usually take along some beer,
cheddar cheese and back bacon. They are
delighted to get all three but have a hard time
admitting that it is -better; it is in their mind
"different."
showed up on tanks . and tents and even
soldiers' helmets. U.S. military advisors
announced that it was `yellow rain' - possibly a
virulent, contagious form -of deliberately
spread chemicals and a complete violation of
the Geneva Conventions.
Actually it was bee poop. At the height of the
monsoon season, bees in some parts of the
tropics take wing in vast swarms, soar towards
the heavens and engage (for reasons known
only to bees) in a ritual of mass defecation.
Some interpreted it as a hymenopterous
commentary on the stupidity of warfare, but
whatever the cause, there was an alarming
amount of bee guano about.
Which brings up the fascinating concept of
volume. Some tiny microbes don't produce
enough to register on a microscope slide, while
the blue whale offloads up to three tons daily.
On the plains of Serengeti in Africa, it's
estimated that wildebeest herds leave behind
4,000 tons of personal calling cards.
Per day.
Speaking of volume, let's have a moment of
silence for the German zookeeper who, just a
while back, lost his life in the elephant
enclosure of a zoo in southern Germany.
Seems the chap had just finished
administering a laxative to a badly constipated
bull elephant. Then he made the fatal mistake
of walking around the stern of the beast at
precisely the moment that the laxative. . .took
effect. Death was attributed to a combination
of shock, asphyxiation and full-body trauma.
Of all the times to be caught without an
umbrella. . .
They also have the suspicion I am doing this
deliberately to remind them of our superiority
in these products.
Now why would I do a thing like that?
Free trade in Washington is fair as long as it
_does not hurt too many Ainerican companies
no matter how inefficient they may be. When
some of these industries are adversely affected
by Canadian trade, it is the Canadians who are
going to have to correct their "unfair"
practices.
We are getting a good picture of this as our
lumber industry continues to suffer from the
punitive tariffs placed on our exports to the
U.S. Our steel industry appears to be the next
in line.
Far be it for us to suggest that the problem
lies with an American steel or lumber industry
that has grown inefficient compared to ours.
But, in all honesty, it is the same elsewhere.
When I lived in Switzerland, there was a
similar expression of likes and dislikes
constantly going on with relationship to
Germany. The Czechs also used to tell me the
differences between them and the Slovaks,
with whom they shared a country from 1918-
1992. Nor need I remind readers of the
century-long hostility between the French and
British. The Brits say "to take French leave";
the French equivalent is to "take English
leave."
It is• highly likely that there are no two
countries that share a common border where
there are not differences of opinion. That, it
seems is part of human nature. At any rate we
are not, it 4,eems, universally loved south of the
border.
Final Thought
No is given so profusely as advice.
- Francois., Duc de La Rochefoucauld
Bonnie
Gropp
The short of it
That was hockey
Something funny happened to me this past
week. I found myself watching and
enjoying hockey.
At the risk of sounding very un-Canadian, I •
lost interest in our national sport many, many
years ago. I'd like to think it was just the cold
that did me in, but unfortunately such was not
the case. The bottom line is, if I wanted to
watch boxing, I would.
What I enjoy about sports is the finesse, the
poetry of action, the dance of athletic ability. 'A
good hockey game is about that — passes that
couldn't be prettier if they were choreographed,
aesthetically-pleasing moves highlighted by
catapulted speed.
It's all still there, just slowed and broken by
take-him-out thuggishness.
I was a hockey fan from the time I could
understand the game. I, like many in the early
1960s, pledged my devotion to the Toronto
Maple Leafs, the cream of the six-team crop.
Saturday nights were spent with Uncle George,
who generouSly feigned allegiance for the
opponents so we could enjoy a friendly rivalry.
This was as well, my introduction to
ganibling. Uncle George bet me a cool 25 cents
each week that the Leafs would lose and when
it came down to the Stanley Cup, the ante was
upped to $1. .
To anyone following hockey today, it might
surprise you to know I did okay back then. My
piggy .bank filled as the Leafs took the Cup in
1961-62, 1962-63, 1963-64 and 1966-67.
Then that year, the National Hockey League
expanded to include six new teams, and the
following year Uncle George passed away.
And I had hit adolescence with all the requisite
rebelliousness which all added up to an
unpatriotic aloofness towards our' country'
favourite pastime. .
Oh, I was there foring moments Ike Paul
Henderson's winning goal for Team Canada
against the Soviets in 1972, on my birthday no
less. ,But for the most part, hockey was no
longer a regular part of my life and as I grew
older, I grew even further away from it. Both
my - sons played briefly, but neither had the
desire or competitive aggression that helps
make a player good. I was happy when they
bowed out, because too, by then, I had noticed
changes in the- game. Rougher, slowed by
penalties, I found the sport almost frustrating to
watch..
Such was not the case when the Canadians
took on the Finns and later played for Olympic
gold against the U.S. A fast-pace and strong
play made for some darn exciting hockey.
That Canada was often only up by one goal
for much of those games helped keep you on
the edge as well, but there was no doubt there
would have been no shame in losing those
games. (Though it was better this way.) It was
hockey at its best — strong defence, good
passing and clean checks.
And last Thursday night, the women's team
kept cool heads as refs called cheesy penalty
after penalty. They pressured the favoured
American squad with strong play to rip die-701d
medal away from them.
This has been hockey, not the rock'ed,
sock'em we've become used to. There's a scene
in the movie Mystery Alaska, where some
players in a remote northern town prepare for
an exhibition match against the. New York
Rangers by watching a tap,d game, "Maybe we
should fast forward to the hockey part," -as.,
one fellow, as tight after fight breaks out.
11 things don't change, it would Like th ,
option to make me 'a fan again.
A ewmet by any other name
What Americans dislike about Canada