HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2002-01-16, Page 5Final Thought
Don't hurry, don't worry. You re only here
for a short visit. So be sure to stop and
smell the flowers.
— Walter C. Hagen
THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16, 2002. PAGE 5.
Other Views
Is that a pig spleen in your pocket?
Iwant to reassure everyone that this is NOT
going to turn into a rant about Environment
Canada weather forecasts.
I am NOT going to dwell on the fact that,
despite umpteen gazillion dollars worth of
thermometers, barometers, anemometers,
radar, Doppler, weather balloons and
interstellar meteorological satellites,
Environment Canada is almost always DEAD
WRONG about predicting temperatures and
conditions in the microclimate that surrounds
my house.
I will NOT point out that the Environment
Canada spokesperson NEVER ADMITS his or
her organization screwed up the day after it
rains when it was supposed to have been sunny,
or when a force 10 gale shows up on what was
forecast as a calm day.
I am just going to say that, when it comes to
weather forecasting, Gus Wickstrom of
Tompkins, Saskatchewan, does it better.
What's more, Gus doesn't have a hi-tech
laboratory full of sophisticated instruments and
gauges.
He does his forecasting with pig spleens.
You read right. Gus takes the spleen from a
slaughtered pig (older hogs are best), holds it
out in front of him, palpates the organ,
sometimes even takes a little chomp of it ("I
like to bite into it a little...I am trying to be
more accurate")...
And then Gus Wickstrom predicts the
weather for Tompkins, Saskatchewan and'
environs.
Is he any good at it? The Farmer's Almanac
thinks so.
The magazine, which is mildly famous for
Now and again I take a break from the
arduous task of producing lectures
filled with infinite wisdom and
ultimate truth and concentrate on more
mundane matters such as how Ottawa can cut
costs and improve service at the same time.
You may find my suggestions a bit unorthodox
but many economists are afraid to go out on a
limb.
Here is one who isn't.
First of all, have you noticed that Tim
Horton's is setting up shop in the U.S? Why
not make each one a miniature Canadian
consulate. You could go there to have a coffee
and donut ("a Canadian moment" as the Air
Farce would say) and report a lost or stolen
passport, inquire about a cousin who is in jail
in the U.S. for whatever reason or handle
various consular matters.
You might even meet the odd member of the
Taliban trying to get political refugee status in
Canada.
The possibilities are endless and, if Ottawa is
on its toes, it can sell souvenirs and get a cut
from the sale of coffee and donuts.
Our military is having trouble finding
enough soldiers to participate in the
peacekeeping duties for which our government
keeps volunteering. If they don't . watch out,
Ottawa is going to have to raid the army cadet
corps for enough bodies. How would you like
your teenager doing summer employment in
Afghanistan?
But what can you expect when our entire
armed forces number only 60,000 including
the dogs. Do you know that Switzerland has an
army-of well over 500,000, all of whom do
military service each year, but who have no
experience outside their country?
Why not hire a few thousand of them to mix
in with our soldiers? Their pay is much less
and most people have difficulty in recognizing
the Swiss flag anyway. The Afghans,
Macedonians or Bosnians would all mistake it
the accuracy of its own weather forecasts,
extolled Gus Wickstrom and his pig spleens in
a feature article not long ago. He gets calls
from radio stations and TV stations around the
continent, asking him to tell the world what the
weather's going to be.
He's been interviewed by media outlets in
New York and Los Angeles. COMO TV
recently flew him in to Seattle to read his pig
spleen prognostications for Washington.
It's amazing what Gus can suss out from a
simple pig spleen. "The last few years there's
been a blue streak at the bottom of the spleens,"
says Gus.
"That tells me we'll get some rain in May
and June. (This year's) spleens have a good
layer of fat compared to last year and that
usually indicates more moisture."
Is Gus on the money or is he just talking
through his porkbellies?
Well, -last year he went toe-to-toe with the
,official Canadian weather office - and mopped
the floor with them.
"Environment Canada has thousands and
thousands of dollars worth of equipment," says
Gus, "and last year they said it would be cold
and wet (in the prairies):'
"But the spleens showed exactly the
Raymond
Canon
The
International
Scene
for the Red Cross and think Canadian soldiers
were truly a caring group of people.
We would have our staffing problenis solved
and the Swiss Army would have training it
never gets at home. In addition the Swiss could
teach the Afghans or whomever how to make
Birchermueseli, one of the healthiest meals
known to man.
On second thought, maybe they should teach
them how to pronounce it first.
Why not also have all alleged refugees work
five years in the Arctic with the Eskimos before
they can apply for landed immigrant status in
Canada. That would sort out the dedicated
from the bogus in no time.
I know this works because I first presented it
to a Czech newspaperman during my stay in
the Czech Republic. There were many gypsies
there trying to come here as political refugees;
a local newspaper sent a reporter to interview
me, the only Canadian in the region, to get my
thoughts on the matter. The minute my
comment got printed, the number of gypsies
buying airline tickets to Toronto dropped
almost to nil. The Czechs hated my idea; they
wanted to get rid of as many gypsies as
possible but it certainly solved the problem in
Canada.
Have you noticed that people in the United
States as well as in other countries generally
know very little about us? Sure they know that
we have maple leaves on our trees, the
Mounties are our national police force, winters
are cold and we play hockey but that's about it.
Any Canadian travelling abroad should b
opposite, and that's what we got - a warm and
mild winter with little precipitation."
Environment Canada has a bit of an excuse
in this contest - they've only been around for a
few decades. Spleen-reading goes back for
generations.
"It came from my dad's side of the family,"
says Gus. "They came to Saskatchewan from
Sweden back in the early 1900s. But weather
predictions with spleens were done in
Stockholm long before that."
Gus has great respect for a body organ that
doesn't get a lot of positive press, generally
speaking. He says the spleen is a powerful
piece of meat that can do much more than tell
you if it's going to rain on your parade.
He says slapping a chunk of raw spleen on
your balding head promotes hair growth. "I
often wear it under my hat when I go to check
the mail;' he says.
He's a big fan of taking spleen internally too.
Gus reckons a feed of spleen is good for folks
with rheumatism, arthritis, bad hearing, failing
eyesight. "It can put a little zip in your life," he
says.
Speaking of which, Gus cautions against
eating too much spleen. He says a little under
four ounces a day is the absolute maximum.
Why? Because spleen is....well, like Gus said
- powerful. "It acts like Viagra. Anyone can
eat it - men or women - but there is no use only
one spouse eating it since that person will
overpower the other".
Aha.
That explains that famous old prairie
expression: "Is that a pig spleen in your pocket
or are you happy to see me?
save money
given a supply of illustrated pamphlets to take
along; they can distribute these brochures
everywhere - in restaurants, hotels and the like.
The coverage would be much greater than that
attained on government ads on TV and -at a
fraction of the cost.
Still on the subject of the U.S. the Americans
constantly proclaim their adherence to the
principals of free trade except when ,it
adversely affects one of their own industries.
The lateit to feel this are Canadian
lumbermen who have seen .thousands of
workers laid off due to a punitive import tax
placed on our softwood lumber exports.
The answer to this is very simple. All
softwood lumber mills in Canada will from
now on belong to an organization called the
Unified Software Association; all the lumber
produced by these companies can now be
stamped "Made by U.S.A." As such they will
be able to enter the U.S. duty free.
Washington is so busy fighting the war in
Afghanistan the change will not be noticed for
at least a couple of years. By that time we can
think of something else.
Well, now you have it. I think you will agree
our country needs more of this kind of
pragmatic thinking so that we can keep costs
under control and still enjoy effective
government.
You thought that economists were a dull
bunch, making statements such as "all other
things being equal, the rate of inflation will go
down, unless it goes up."
I hope I have changed that once and for all.
A satisfying dessert
uppose I call it a journey of re-
discovery? Perhaps it's my age but I have
suddenly developed a keen interest in
perfecting me. I have a goal of being the best I
can be, under present circumstances of course,
physically, mentally and socially.
It appears this venture does not come easily.
Well-being involves exercises to better one's
health, ease one's mind and pamper body and
soul.
Juggling family and work can be challenging
in today's fast-paced world. Baby boomers find
themselves trying to do it all and ultimately
doing none of it as well as we'd like. As society
tends to be living longer as a whole, and
couples starting families at a later age, many
people of this generation are finding themselves
literally stuck in the middle. With children still
at home and aging parents, today's 40 and 50-
somethings are often caught running from full-
time jobs to household duties, from running
with for kids to running for parents.
It's important, therefore, to take care of
ourselves. There is absolutely no argument on
the fact that too much stress just isn't healthy.
The stress response is triggered frequently and
the body continually tries to adapt to the
presence of stress hormones. The immune
system is worn down and disease and illness
can result.
Thus, as I have promised (or threatened) my
kids that I plan to do my utmost to live a long,
long time, I've been giving a great deal of
consideration lately as to what will best
contribute to my physical and psychological
well-being.
Exercise they say seems to be the all-round
answer, as it not only improves physical health
and fitness, but works to relieve wess. I have
opted for a program of walking and yoga which
hopefully meets all the needs. I must admit,
however, that 1 am becoming a little more
stressed trying to find the time necessary to
practise the above-mentioned stress relievers.
On the psychological side, I have become
involved in' some programs geared at getting
my head in the right place. Or close at least.
While yoga provides opportunities to step back
and take a deep breath, these other endeavours
force a more introspective approach to mental
and emotional healing.
They have been for the most part, non-taxing
and relatively painless. However recently, I was
called upon to create a collage depicting things
in life that make me feel good, that bring me
peace or lend a level of security to my
existence.
"Great, just what I need — homework," was
my first thought. As if I didn't have enough on
my plate already.
However, embarking on a search first through
my mind, then through old photographs and
magazines, I must admit the experience as been
not only enjoyable, but cathartic. I would
highly recommend it, or a variation of it, to
everyone.
It's very easy in our busy, busy lives to feel
weighted down by pressures, to seem to be
spinning out of control. There are times when
we're too tired to enjoy our pleasures, or for
that matter give them the accord they deserve.
Taking this time to seek them out has been
not as I thought at first, an unsavoury addition
to a overloaded plate, but more like a light,
satisfying dessert — it won't hurt you and it
makes you feel good.
• Helping the government