HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2001-12-24, Page 5THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2001. PAGE 5.
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A few words about facial hair
There are several thousand valid reasons
to loathe and despise Osama bin Hidin'
and his verminous pack of psychopathic
lunatics. I would like to add one more.
They've given beards a bad name.
Beards are not only common among the
mujahadeen - they're mandatory - ordained by
a warped interpretation of the Koran which
also sentences women to spend their lives
living under blankets.
But even without the recent bad press, it's
been a long time since beards have had a really
good public image.
It wasn't always that way. Canada was once
decidedly beard-friendly. Our first prime
minister, Sir John A. Macdonald, flirted with
facial fuzz from time to time. George Brown,
his political rival and founder of what became
The Globe and Mail sported a hedge of chin
whiskers that could have been used to sweep
chimneys.
Back then, a good full beard denoted
prosperity, steadfastness and, well...virility.
Most public figures, if they wore trousers, also
wore beards. • JP
Times change. Check out the White House in
Washington or Whitehall in London - scarcely
a five-o'clock shadow, never mind a chin
whisker.
Same on Parliament Hill. There's nary an
unshaven mug in the Chretien cabinet (as
befits a collection of submissive human sock
puppets). .
Matter of fact, I can't think of any major
Canadian public figure who's bearded. Even
Don Cherry shaved off that goofy goatee he
sported for a while.
Bernard Landry, the talkative premier of
Quebec, seems to have developed a
knack of making public statements that
he has not carefully thought out. Perhaps he
did this before he ever became premier but that
does not matter. The fact is that he is making
them now and not doing the cause of
separatism in Quebec any great favours. (Not
that we want him to!)
His first major gaffe was to refer to the
Canadian flag as a red rag (un torchon rouge)
and great was the backtracking when the
general anger, even in Quebec, became
abundantly clear.
He kept his head down for a while but it
didn't last. In a recent convoluted speech to the
youth wing of the Parti Quebecois, he offered
the opinion that Quebec could either go the
way of the Catalans or the Taliban.
Getting carried away by such...rhclurld, he
then went on to drag in the Welsh and the
Scots, both of which, according to Mr. Landry,
already have "nation" status while poor old
Quebec is forced to suffer on within the
suffocating confines of the Canadian
confederation.
Does this comparison confuse you? Don't
worry; it confused just about everybody,
including members of his own party. Mr.
Landry was presumably trying to inspire the
youth of his party to greater things but foreign
history is not one of their strong points and the
rhetoric of their leader went right past them.
Mr. Landry needs some immediate foreign
history coaching so perhaps we can give him a
bit right now.
Let's start with the Catalans. They are
located in the north-eastern part of Spain in a
piovince called Catalonia and speak a distinct
language similar to Spanish.
Yet, they have no more autonomy, if as
much, as Quebec and certainly they do not
restrict the use of Spanish as does Mr. Landry
does to English in Quebec. In addition, French
is spoken all over Canada whereas Catalan is
spoken only in the province of Catalonia.
If the Quebec premier wants to hold the
Catalans up as the way of the future, he might
well find that he would have to give up some of
the rights he has in Canada. How would that go
over with francophone voters in Quebec?
There is a serious dearth of positive bearded
role models out there.
Nowadays, beards flourish only in
environments friendly to Middle Eastern
fundamentalists, obscure university profs,
Grateful Deadheads, lumberjacks, mountain
men and religious zealots with private gun
arsenals and multiple wives.
Plus, well....me, actually.
Aside from a rash (pun intended) moment in
the late '70s when I allowed my jaw to be clear
cut in order to raise money for charity, I've had
an upholstered chin for more than 30 years.
Why? Why not?
The question isn't why some men have
beards, but rather why most men voluntarily
submit to the barbaric custom of scraping the
bottom half of their faces with a sharp
instrument seven days a week and sometimes
twice on Sunday.
The Irish playwright/intellectual -George
Bernard Shaw, who had enough fur on his face
to knit a throw rug, said his beard was inspired
by his father.
"I was about five at the time," said Shaw,
"and I was-standing at my father's knee whilst
he was shaving. I said to him 'Daddy, why do
you shave?' He looked at me in silence for a
Raymond
Canon
The
International
Scene
I might add that the Spanish government has
given no consideration whatsoever to granting
Catalonia its independence; not even one
referendum has been held, let alone two.
Now, let's take a look at those Welsh and
Scots that Landry also envies. Here he is on
decidedly more shaky grounds. He is lucky that
his audience was not too well acquainted with
British political history or they would know
something that the Quebec premier failed to
mention. The Scots, and especially the Welsh,
have considerably fewer rights than does the
Quebec National Assembly.
Mon Dieu!
Would he want the province to take a step or
two backwards, even further than those
Continued from page 4
we take only what we need. You have it
within your power to prevent pain and suffer-
ing. How often do you use that power wisely?
You pen us up in small cages. Raise us for
food. Subject us to experiments of every kind,
never again to feel the sun on our face, the
gentle caress of the wind and the rain, nor the
earth beneath our feet. Is this your God-given
right?
By land, sea and air, you invade our homes.
Kill us when there is no need. When someone
destroys a work of man, you call him a vandal.
When someone destroys a work of God and
nature, you call him a sportsman.
Your language, for all of its forms, for all of
its beauty, makes you believe that you can truly
explain away all of your actions and escape
their terrible consequences. Did you think it
could go on this way forever-I-Just because you
said it is so?
So you see, as well celebrating the first
full minute, before throwing the razor out the
window, saying, 'Why the hell do I?' He never
shaved again."
Still, there's no denying that some folks just
can't handle the sight of a fur-rimmed
mandible. I sense it, sometimes, when I'm
introduced to a stranger and they recoil like
they've been asked to do a slow dance with
Fidel Castro. Some folks just flat out don't like
beards.
But that's okay. I've found that, by and large,
I don't much like people who don't like beards,
so my face fur serves as a social marker buoy
to help us avoid close contact.
And anyway, I think the tide is turning on
beardophobia. Tom Hanks showed the world
that beardos can be good guys. In the movie
Castaway, Hanks cultivated a crop of facial
fleece that cried out for a Masseyi-Harris
combine-harvester. (Mind, you he was
marooned on a desert island. His only option
would have been self-mutilation with a
clamshell.)
Yet it's not as if we're entirely bereft of other
positive bearded icons.
We have it on biblical authority that Jesus
and his disciples wore beards.
For every Marx, there's a Moses. For every
Ted Kaczynski, there's a Kenny Rogers.
Not to mention the most famous bearded
hugbunny of all - the guy who'll be making
house calls real soon.
PS: If you're going to leave a treat, make it
ginger ale, not Coke or Pepsi.
Colas can leave an unseemly stain on white
whiskers.
admired Catalans?
. As in Spain, the British government has no
plans to grant either Scotland or Wales their
independence nor is there any great screaming
that either place be turned into a "nation."
But Mr. Landry has yet to answer a question
I asked a few months ago. What about the
plight of those poor, oppressed French-
speaking Swiss or their Italian speaking
cousins for that matter? Do they not know how
horrible it is to be part of a minority? Why are
they all not clamoring for independence or
voting in overwhelming numbers to return to
France from where their ancestors came
several centuries ago? Why, Mr. Landry?
Because they know when they are well Off.
They live in a country that resembles Canada to
a great degree, that is, a country where the
French minority is treated fairly. Some might
say overly.
Perhaps what galls Mr. Landry is that more
and more French speaking people in Quebec
are coming to the same conclusion. He should
give these comparisons a rest.
Either that or take an intensive course in
foreign history.
Christmas of the New Millennium, it is also a
time not just to reflect on your religious
beliefs, but a time to take a hard look at where
we've been and where we're all going. All of
us. Because the way you treat us, is a
reflection of the way in which you treat each
other. If we lose, then so does everyone else.
The true measure of a person is not where
they stand in moments of comfort and
convenience, but where they stand in times•of
conflict and controversy. And you have to ask
yourselves, each one of you, where you really
stand.
Guarding our future is in your hands. I hope
we haven't offended you. But if we have, then
after 2,000 years, maybe it's about time. God
rewards kindness to animals. And if you don't
believe in God, then maybe you should at least
believe in common sense..."
Al Hickey
Michael O'Sullivan
Humane Society of Canada.
.410,
What I'd like to give
After all the hustle, all the scurry, that
special day is close at hand. It's a
perfect time, one of serenity,/ beauty
and the physical evidence of just how great are
our blessings.
Sitting before our Christmas tree one
evening, calmed by the sparkling lights, the
silence of a quiet winter's eve, I surveyed all
around me with an open and relaxed mind. My
family, my home, all that I love and all that I
have are here. Reflecting on recent days there
have been spiritual and social occasions to
enrich our lives. And the bounty beneath the
tree offers a reminder that life has not just been
good to us, but has spoiled us a little.
For many the material riches of Christmas
are not as plentiful as they are for others. In the
spirit of the season those with more do what
they can to make the season a little cheerier for
those with less.
And yet, when I consider these offerings I
can't help thinking the best gifts, whether rich
or poor, can often only be wished for.
Our little grandson, who, with such a merry
disposition appropriately celebrates his
birthday as well amidst the festive whirl, will
enjoy copious amounts of gifts before all is
said and done. With first-time grandparents on
both sides, a number of doting aunts and
uncles, as well as the enthralled extended
family members there's little question that he
is the beneficiary of a good deal of spoiling.
Thus far he seems none the worse for it, so I
certainly am not likely to rein in anytime soon.
However, there is little doubt in my mind that
the presents under the Christmas tree with his
name on it are truly not the ones I would like
to give him.
If I could, I,would give my grandson first the
gift of peace, that he might forever enjoy the
security of a conflict-free existence. I can
think of nothing better for our children than a
world in which all are equal, where there is no
war; nor hatred. This present would not be
wrapped because such freedom should not be
bound.
Next I would wish for him good health, so
that the peaceful world in which he now would
live could be enjoyed to its fullest. A long life,
free from pain and illness, stress and anxiety,
is a rare gift to be found. But if I could bestow
it on him I would do so gratefully,
approiiriately packaging it in fresh air and
water.
The next gift under his tree would be
security: There is a song from Sweeney Todd,
that states, "Nothing can harm you, not while
I'm around." Lovely sentiment, but as
everyone who has lived longer than a minute
can attest, impossible to uphold. Wouldn't it
be nice if we could protect our children from
all the evils and danger which exist in society?
Such comfort must be wrapped in a protective
parent's iron will.
The next present is somewhat more tangible
than the others on the list, but carries with it a
level of responsibility from the giver. I would
give to him a special book. Between its covers
he would discover enlightenment,. . and
intelligence. Through education he will be
guided and nurtured.
With all of these gifts our little boy would
not necessarily need the next one. Prosperity,
however, bound in gold, would enhance this
perfect life.
And finally, the last wish I have for him is
that he continue to know and feel
unconditional love. This he could find
wrapped, of course, in a an adoring hug.
Foot in mouth disease again
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