HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 1998-09-16, Page 5Arthur Black
THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 1998. PAGE 5.
This is a stick up!
D'oh!
Regular readers of this column will know
that I harbour an abiding affection for a
particular species of criminal — to wit: the
Dumb Crook.
I'm not sure whether it's a steady diet of
junk food, overexposure to daytime
television or something in the water, but
there can be no doubt that the lower echelons
of the underworld are getting demonstrably
stupider day by day.
Which may account for the Homer
Simpson Bandit.
This is a guy that Toronto detectives would
dearly like to 'interview' soon. He's hit three
Toronto-area banks so far, and — against all
odds — made a clean getaway each time.
Which is amazing, because not only does
he present tellers with misspelled holdup
notes ("Give me yor mony. I hav a gon.") —
he compounds the farce by looking uncannily
like the idiot cartoon character Homer
Simpson.
"It's the way he looks and the way he holds
himself," says Toronto detective John de
Courcy. "It's important that we catch him
before he enters the next stage, before he
becomes aggressive."
Yeah. And shoots himself in the foot, or
walks into the bank vault thinking it's the
way out.
Back to the Czech
Republic
When I came home last year from my stint
in the Czech Republic, there was always the
thought in the back of my mind that I would
go back for a second round. The people I
worked with and I had got along famously.
My ability to speak a number of languages
was just what was needed as were the ideas
that I brought with me from Canada.
Thus, when a phone call came, asking me
if I would please come back for yet another
tour, I found if difficult to say no. So
difficult, in fact, that I ended up saying that
yes, I would be glad to help out again so, for
a second time you will be getting a series of
articles on topics pertaining to central
Europe.
When I left last year, the government had
fallen because of corruption within its ranks
and the hard-pressed and much admired
president, Vaclav Havel, found it impossible
to put together any combination of parties
that could carry on. He finally gave up,
called elections and, in the interval, asked the
governor of the central bank to run the
country. That he did until the elections in
June.
Not that the situation improved that much!
As you may know, most European
governments are actually coalitions and the
Czech Republic is no exception. A left-centre
party got the largest number of votes but the
I say, enjoy what few free days you have
left Homer, and take solace in the knowledge
that you are carrying on a fine tradition
among lawbreakers.
Lawbreakers like Eugene Krubbs and
Nigel Hunt, two less-than-brilliant British
thugs who decided to steal the cash box from
a grocery store in suburban London not long
ago.
Messrs. Krubbs and Hunt managed to
jimmy open the front door and make their
way to their target — a large black steel box
bolted to the wall. After much grunting,
swearing and skinned knuckles, the boys
wrenched the box free and started lugging it
out of the shop. To their dismay, the box
began to emit a shrill buzzing sound.
What kind of a cash box was this?
As lights went on and windows were raised
up and down the street, the lads threw the
box on the ground. They stomped it. They
heaved large rocks at it.
They even tossed their coats over it. Still it
shrieked at them.
Finally, with neighbours hollering, "Stop!
Thief!" they manhandled the box to a bridge
over a nearby canal and levered the thing into
the water.
They could still hear an eerie wail, but this
time it was coming from the sirens of the
police cars waiting for them at both ends of
the bridge.
A police officer with a megaphone
informed them that they were both under
arrest.
second largest number was garnered by the
parties, under former prime minister, Vaclav
Klaus.
Even the 1990's version of the Communists
got 11 per cent of the vote, but nobody wants
to form a government with them in it.
The result? More uncertainty for the hard-
pressed Czechs.
Just how bad is the situation? Let me give
you a few statistics with the corresponding
Canadian ones in brackets. Their inflation
when I left was 10 per cent, it is now up to
13.5 per cent (1.1%). There is virtually no
growth in the economy (ours is three per
cent, one of the best in the industrialized
west). They have more imports than exports
and thus their trade balance is in deficit of
about $5 billion (ours is in surplus of close to
$20 billion).
Unemployment is six per cent and
climbing (ours is 8.5 per cent). Interest rates
are close to 20 per cent (ours are about one-
third that). Their currency is about 15 per
cent overvalued (ours is 10 per cent
undervalued with all that does for tourism
and exports).
In all, not a very pretty picture!
The country would dearly love to become
members of both the European Union and
NATO but are not in a very good position to
do either although they have been invited
into both and talks are ongoing about such an
entry. Like neighbouring Poland and
Hungary, who are also expected to enter at
the same time, their economy is in bad shape
and getting it ready for the eventful day
For stealing a burglar alarm.
Things didn't go much better for David
Morris, a West Croydon stick up artist who
employed the tried and true "hold up note"
method.
Well, it should have been tried and true.
Mister Morris's note was neatly typed and
grammatically impeccable. It read: "I have a
gun in my pocket. I will shoot you if you do
not hand over the money."
Alas, when he tried to hand the missive to
a young lady in a drug store, she refused to
read it, fearing an obscene message.
When he tried it on the Korean owner of a
confectionery, the man shook his head sadly,
explaining he couldn't read English.
The operator of a Chinese restaurant said
he would gladly read the note, but he would
have to first go into the backroom to retrieve
his reading glasses.
David Morris waited patiently. Long
enough to be there when the police showed
up as a result of a whispered phone call
placed by the not-so nearsighted store owner.
I'm beginning to understand the true
significance of that theme song for the old
TV cop show Dragnet.
The one that went "DUMB DE DUMB
DUMB!"
If organized crime was truly organized
they'd have a minimum standards aptitude
test for prospective crooks to weed out the
intellectually unfit.
Without it, they just give themselves a bad
name.
when, at last, they are granted entry, is going
to be one colossal job.
As is usually the case, it is easier to relate
to the people who go to work as you and I
have to put up with the frustrations of trying
to cope in a world that seems all too shaky.
All the professional people I worked with
lived in an apartment; their own house was
something they dreamed about. Early in my
stay there the thought occurred to me that
they would think of my house and property
as something approaching a castle and so I
refrained from giving too elaborate a
description.
Many of them either did not have a car or
drove one which had seen better days. Don't
forget; these are professional people.
As for factory workers, I marvelled how
they managed to cope. Both pay raises and
advancements are hard to come by and, with
13 per cent inflation, many of them are not
even keeping up.
All this after nearly a decade of living
under a non-communist system!
I will go there and return, knowing that I
am corning back to a high standard of living.
I am not exaggerating one little bit when I
say that many Canadians really do not know
how fortunate they are!
A Final Thought
The man who has confidence in himself
gains the confidence of others — llasidic
saying
The
short
of it
By Bonnie Gropp
It'll take getting used to
I never said, "I want to be alone". I only
said, "I want to be left alone." There is all
the difference. — Greta Garbo
No kidding!
While too much attention is not something
many of us desire, complete and total
solitude is by my way of thinking highly
over-rated. Yet, it seems sometimes that we
can have only one or the other. This for me,
as for the mysterious Garbo poses some
special problems.
You see, I too prefer privacy,
independence and control over my life and
my surroundings. But I do not, will not, have
not, ever enjoyed being alone. Perhaps the
reason is that if I cannot imagine anyone
wanting to spend time in my company, I
don't think I should be stuck with it either.
Anyway, I was reminded of this fact last
week when the kids went back to school. For
the first time in quite some time, I had what
might be considered blissful minutes in an
empty house.
Sounds heavenly to some, I understand,
but quite frankly I detest it. However, I
admit in self-depracating honesty, there is
irony here, because when those same kids
were home I wanted them out of my way.
Leave me alone, but please don't literally
leave me alone.
I discovered this rather bizarre complexity
in my nature quite early actually. As a shy
child, I recall wanting to be in the centre of
the action, but not of attention. Invite me to
the party, but don't ask me to socialize.
As a teen when I moved to the city to
attend school, the romantic idea of my own
space, soon became almost sinister in its
solitude.
Later as a mother of pre-schoolers I
longed for moments of respite. Think of the
work I will accomplish when they start
school, I would tell myself. Yet, with each
one that went to kindergarten fresh tears
were shed and I wandered aimlessly around
the house trying to figure out how to set
myself to tasks when I had so much empty,
endless space and time around me.
Now, with the limited rest typical for any
working mother, I am often amused by the
fact that all I need to do to get my family's
company is to take some time for myself.
Open a book or pick up the phone and I'm
guaranteed all kinds of attention. Of course,
when they leave the house en masse, the old
panic sets in and I can't think of a thing I
want to do.
Having let you in on this foible of mine
you can well imagine how I'm feeling as I
ponder the imminent future. With my last
two offspring well into secondary school, I
am already sweating the psychological fever
of empty nest syndrome.
It doesn't seem so long ago that back to
school was an exciting time for me. The
challenges of a new term, first as a student,
then as a parent have been enhanced because
this is also my birthday month. However,
September has changed for me lately. With
each that arrives, my turning a year older,
though significantly better than the
alternative, seems to have lost some of its
colour in life's autumn phase. And also,
though I am so proud of their
accomplishments, the reality is that with
each September, my kids move a year closer
to independence.
Certainly, these are all positive links in
life's chain of events, but for me being alone
is going to take some getting used to.
International Scene
By Raymond Canon