The Citizen, 1998-08-26, Page 5A Final Thought
Money may not always talk, but it's the
closest we've come to a language
everybody can understand.
The
Short
of it
By Bonnie Gropp
THE CITIZEN. WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26, 1998. PAGE 5.
Words: new
and used
How many people do you figure speak
Japanese as their first language?
The answer: 120 million -- about four
times the number of people who have
"Canadian" stamped on their passports.
A hundred and 60 million people speak
Russian. Two hundred and 90 million speak
Hindu.
And English? Hey, all of America speaks
English, as does most of Canada. And
England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales. Not
to mention Australia and New Zealand.
Heck, even Don Cherry speaks a kind of
English.
Even so, English is but a distant second in
the world language popularity sweepstakes.
Four hundred million Earthlings speak our
tongue as their first choice.
Mandarin is the lingo of preference for 600
million people.
In terms of health, I'm not sure how
Mandarin is doing, but I'm here to tell you
that English is alive and well.
And growing.
I know it's growing because each year,
English puts out a fresh green crop of
newborn words and phrases, just as surely as
a healthy maple sprouts new buds and leaves.
The art of tipping
If there is one thing that most travellers
feel insecure about, it is tipping. How much
do you give this person, that restaurant or
those services?
Over the years I have developed my own
system which seems to work pretty well for
me and so I gladly pass it on to you without
you having to worry about getting a bill in
the mail for it in the near future. Or even
tipping me for that matter!
The first thing to remember is that tipping
people is not a right which they possess. That
is, you are not required to hand over some
money regardless of the quality of the
service. It is simply a practice which is
carried out and which supplements the
income of those on the receiving end of the
money.
So, rule number one is simply that your tip,
or the size of it, should be geared to the
quality of the service which is provided.
Let's take eating at a restaurant for
openers. The general rule is that you should
tip about 15 per cent of the pre-tax bill. That
is, if your bill comes to $20 and there is a tax
of $2.50 on it, your 15 per cent should be
calculated on the $20. Of course, the-waiter
would like you to tip 20 per cent of $22.50.
If the service is not up to par or really bad,
leave a smaller tip or none at all. It would
What kind of new words and phrases? Oh,
how about 'cube farm'? That's a recently
minted phrase to describe the new office
environment so many of us work in — acres
and acres of anonymous cubicles, where
private offices used to be.
And from the same office configuration we
have the phrase "prairie dogging" — that's
what workers do when they tire of toiling at
their computer monitors and pop their heads
up to see what's going on — just like prairie
dogs.
Remember when you referred to a
temporarily deranged co-worker as 'out to
lunch'? Or 'one pickle shy of a jar'?
The new term is '404'.
'404' is what it says on your computer
screen when your search for a file screws up.
It stands for 'file not found'.
And I'm sure that you, just as I have, have
spent more than your share of 'salmon days'
at the cube farm — swimming upstream
against the current, getting nowhere fast.
Cheer up — a salmon day is infinitely
preferable to the 'ohnosecond'.
That's the moment when you realize that
you've just hit the wrong key and deleted
three hours of hard work.
Great words and phrases all, and worthy
additions to the ever resourceful English
language — but there's still work to be done.
We need, for instance, a word to describe
that ferocious battle that goes on between
two theatre-goers (or two airplane
passengers) silently jockeying for supremacy
By Raymond Canon
also be wise to point out your displeasure to
the maitre d'hote, if he is available and if he
inquires. Don't cut back on the tip and then
assure him that everything was fine. It sends
the wrong message.
Some countries (Switzerland is one of
them) include the tip in the bill. Look for
something like "Service compris"). What do
you do then? My practice is to leave a bit
extra, but only if the meal was to your
satisfaction. Don't be intimidated at any
time.
The trouble is that many people are or else
they are uncertain what to do. They either
leave too much or tip for poor service.
The solution? Get the whole procedure
clear in your mind before you enter a
restaurant: don't improvise once you get in
there.
It doesn't do any harm to ask someone you
can trust what the tipping practices are in a
specific country. l -was reminded of that last
year when I was working in the Czech
Republic. It seems that most of the
restaurants had not been kept up to date on
tipping practices in the western world and,
for this reason, servers were not receiving a
full 15 per cent. About half that seemed to be
the norm. As you can well imagine, my
tipping bill was reduced considerably.
Now that we have got restaurants out of the
way, let's look at other situations. Barbers
and the like expect to be tipped and the
normal amount is abotit 15 per cent of the
pre-tax bill. This can run your bill up rather
over the single armrest they have to share.
I mentioned this to a colleague. She said,
"Why don't we call it Elbonics?
And speaking of movie theatres — how
about a name for those giraffe-necked fellow
movie-goers who invariably take a seat
directly in front of you, then proceed to crane
their heads the same direction you do when
you try to see around them?
We could call them Eiffelites.
I have long needed a noun to describe a
particularly pointless habit I suffer from.
You know when you're waiting for a balky
elevator and you start punching the button
repeatedly in the delusion that such action
will make the lift come quicker.
Eleceleration would be a good word for
that.
And how about a term to cover another
ridiculous modern affliction — the habit of,.
dialing a number and — just as the other party
is picking up — utterly forgetting who you
were calling and what you were calling
about?
It's a form of telephone amnesia. Phonesia
would cover it nicely.
I also recommend the word
ECNALUBMA.
That's what we should call rescue vehicles
which can only be seen in a car's rear view
mirror.
It would be nice too, if we could have a
word to signify that a columnist has run out
of fresh ideas and really should call it a day.
DNE EHT comes to mind.
high as for example getting your hair looked
after in Europe. Can be more expensive than
it is here.
Or maybe! In the Czech Republic I paid
about $1.50 for a good haircut at the local
train station. The girl (there were only female
barbers at that shop) certainly got her 15 per
cent. Trying to get a haircut when you don't
speak the language that well is not the easiest
of chores but that is another story.
There are some places, especially in Asia,
where tipping is not considered to be the
norm. In Singapore it is actually discouraged
by the government.
However, in the vast majority of places, as
you well know, it is very much the accepted
practice. One last bit of advice. Do not be
intimidated in any way. Of course, any
recipient would like to receive more but
some are determined to get it out of you one
way or another.
One person suggested he get more by
sticking out his hand (Hence the name Order
of the Outstretched Palm). I simple took his
hand, shook it and wished him 'good day' as
I walked off. In all honesty, he was lucky to
get what he did.
Won't buy love
It's the root of all evil, and won't buy you
love, but let's be honest, folks, when it
comes to money you can't do much without
it either.
During our recent two-week vacation it
was interesting the number of times the issue
of cash came up. There were things we
wanted and couldn't have, things we got and
shouldn't have.
Perhaps it was that I was awash in shock
waves, floating freely away from typical
weekday drudgery those first few days
which caused me to temporarily lose my
mind. However, for whatever reason, it
seemed the first part of our holiday was
dedicated primarily to the hedonistic pursuit
of pretending I had bucks. Shopping, going
to the gym, food and drink, left me thinking
after three days that my rate of spending was
going to have to slow or it would be a pretty
short sojourn.
Already drowning in a sea of debit and
VISA slips after only five days, common
sense ultimately surfaced. I then decided the
rest of my summer idyll would be spent
enjoying simple pleasures at minimal cost.
That was the easy part. The real challenge
was in trying to find them. Some gas money
to get me to cottage country and I found
myself tucked away from any monetary
temptations.
Or so I thought. With teens in tow there's
only so much time can be spent near the
water without boredom rearing its ugly head.
This means $20 for mini-golf and ice cream.
Let's tour the shops, my niece suggests,
which is only an amusing pastime I've
decided if you plan on actually purchasing
things you like. I'm over 40, and tired of
looking.
Perhaps a day on the links for the family.
Right. Perhaps no groceries this week.
By the time I had reached my brother's
home near Sarnia I realized that the only
way to not spend money is to walk where
you're going, stay there and mooch off your
host's hospitality. Not exactly an admirable
option.
Then to add insult to injury, during our
stay there we toured the Lakeshore Road
area, resplendent with not just picture perfect
settings on which to live, but with dozens of
stately majestic homes occupying those
spaces. My only satisfaction came from a
hope that at least some of these people were
living beyond their means as well.
Now, all this is not to say that my family
and I are ready to move into a box on the
street, just yet. We are more fortunate than
many and have all that we need.
And after all, there is a dark side to
wealth. One of my excursions this week was
to the theatre in Stratford, a treat my son had
purchased for me as a Christmas present, so
that I might actually attend without worrying
about reviewing. And with all my thoughts
on money, it was appropriate that the show
we saw was MoUre's The Miser.
Watching this story of a foolish, lonely,
man, I smiled thinking how timely this
reminder of the dangers of wanting and
having too much was. As the adage goes, the
best things in life are free, but I would be
dishonest if I didn't admit I still think having
enough money makes it easier to enjoy
them.
Arthur Black
International Scene