HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 1998-01-14, Page 5A Final Thought
To share with a friend is to see twice the
beauty.
THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 14, 1998. PAGE 5.
Arthur Black
I want
to be stuffed
with crab meat
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't
wanna be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
I know just what old Woody was talking
about. Call it middle age or call it mid-winter
blues, but I've been thinking about dying and
the many ways I don't want to do it.
I don't want to go the way David Grundman
went for instance. Grundman, a gun nut, was
getting his jollies one day back in 1982 by
'shooting at a giant saguaro cactus in the desert
outside Phoenix, Arizona. Unluckily for
Grundman the blasts from his shotgun
dislodged a 23-foot section of the cactus
which fell on his head and killed him.
I don't think I want to end it all the way
Simon Longhurst did either.
Longhurst, a British teenager, was
performing a New Wave dance called "The
Head Shake" at a disco in Wigan, Eng. The
idea is to shake your head violently as the
pace of the music gets faster. Simon retired
from the dance floor with a headache which
turned into a blood clot which caused him to
die of acute swelling of the brain.
Then there's the case of Robert Williams of
Flat Rock, MI. Back in 1979 Williams
became the first person to suffer an end right
out of science fiction. He was killed by a
robot.
Williams worked at the Ford Motor
Company plant in Flat Rock alongside a one-
ton robot used to fetch automotive parts from
a storage rack.
One dayWilliams was rummaging around in
the rack when the robot suddenly sprang to
life, wheeled around and clubbed Williams
Like ships in the
night
I was at a meeting one Friday discussing
things of international importance (well, it
seemed like that), when apropos of notbing
in general, one of the participants said,
"There are some Canadians taking part in an
international figure skating tournament this
week in Frydek-Mistek."
That was enough to make me sit up and
take notice, especially when I was asked if I
would like to go. You can imagine that I said
"Yes" in a big hurry.
So on Saturday at 4 p.m. I found myself on
the way to the local arena which, by the way,
I pass every day on my way to work.
My friend disappeared soon after we got
seated, but returned in a few minutes with the
manager of the arena in tow. The manager
was informed that here was a Canadian who
would like to meet the head of the Canadian
skaters. I had not asked for that but I was not
about to turn it down and so, to my surprise
and delight, I found myself face to face with
another Canadian, a woman from Montreal,
fluently bilingual, who greeted me warmly
and we had a short conversation. It was
agreed that I would meet with the entire team
afterwards for supper at a restaurant near the
hotel at which they were staying.
The Canadians cleaned up at the
competition, winning two silver and three
gold. So it was a happy group that I met for
with its arm, killing him instantly.
Some folks just have the cards stacked
against them. Consider the case of Vittorio
Luise. The 45-year old Italian was driving
along a road near Naples when a freak gust of
wind caught his car and hurled it into a river.
Under water, Luise managed to break a car
window, free himself from the car, swim to
the surface and finally haul himself ashore.
Where a tree blew over and killed him.
Sometimes when the guy with the scythe
comes knocking it doesn't matter how safe
you think you are. Jerome Moody thought he
was pretty safe when he went to a pool party
in New Orleans back in 1985. He was a
certified life guard after all.
Half the 200 people at the party were life
guards. Plus there were four life guards on
duty at the pool.
Guess what? Jerome's body was found at the
bottom of the pool after the party was over.
With other mortalities, it's hard to think that
the victims didn't have it coming.
Take the case of the wrestler Yousouf
Ishmaelo, a turn-of-the-century Turkish
wrestler who came to North America in 1897
to make his fortune. And he did. He whupped
every North American grappler he met — and
he always took his pay in gold coins, which
he kept in a money belt that he wore around
his waist, night and day.
In 1898 he was sailing back to Europe when
his ship collided with another vessel off Nova
Scotia and sank. No problem for Ishmaelo
who was an excellent swimmer.
When he wasn't wearing a money belt full
of gold.
The stubborn Turk refused to discard the
belt and drowned.
Another man who let dollar signs get in the
way of common sense was the New Yorker
who got hit by a car a couple of years back.
He got up uninjured, but lay back down after
supper that evening. There were about 15,
including skaters, coaches, managers and two
judges.
You have no idea how nice it felt to be
with my own countrymen, even for a short
time. There were both English and French-
Canadians, so I was able to use both
languages.
During the evening the conversation got
around to the quality of Czech crystal and
some of the team expressed their regret at not
having been able to get any since they had
discovered the store only after it was closed
for the weekend.
Somebody asked if it would be possible to
get in touch with the owner to see if he or she
would come down on the Sunday to open the
store for a short while. I said I had never
heard of it being done, since the Czechs liked
to disappear off to their country chalet on the
weekend, especially with the nice weather
we were having at the time. I said that I
would give it my best shot and with that off I
went.
The next morning I got up and walked
down to the store to see if the name of the
owner or manager was on the door. I was in
luck; the name was there and the next thing
to do was to see if it was in the phone book.
My luck held; it was and it was that of a
woman. Would she be at home? For that part
I needed some help since my powers of
persuasion in Czech were not exactly awe-
inspiring. I then enlisted the help of my best
student in English and the call was made.
Again my luck held. She was quite willing
to come to the store at 1 p.m. for the
a bystander advised him to fake injury in
order to collect insurance money.
No faking necessary. The car rolled forward
and he was crushed to death.
And then there are the folks who appear to
be just too dumb to live. Like Norik
Hakispan, a resident of Chelsea, Eng. Norik
was a believer in home remedies.
Accordingly he decided to treat his rather
severe case of hemorrhoids himself. The
Hakispans had a family hemorrhoid treatment
involving the application of paraffin.
Which I don't even want to think about.
In any case, Norik couldn't get his hands on
any paraffin, so he decided to use ... gasoline.
The fumes from the open can of gasoline he
was using were ignited by a nearby hotplate
and the results were ... explosive. And fatal.
Cured the hemorrhoids, though'.
The most 'fitting' freak death would have to
be the one that caught up with Michael
Godwin in the Central Correctional Institution
of Columbia, SC. Godwin, a convicted
murderer, had his sentence commuted from
death by electric chair to life.
Six years into his life sentence, Godwin was
trying to fix a pair of headphones connected
to the TV in his cell.
He bit into a wire to cut it.
He was sitting nude on a steel toilet seat at
the time.
Michael Godwin personally re-commuted
his sentence from life to death by the electric
... toilet.
These are just a few of the ways I'd rather
not exit this vale of tears, if it's all right with
everyone else. But however I go, I have one
last requ-- oh, hell. I gave the first words to
Woody Allen, I might as well let him have the
last word too:
One last request. Don't use embalming fluid
on me.
I want to be stuffed with crab meat.
Canadians and off I went to the hotel with
the good news.
My student and I arrived at the store at the
agreed time. An hour and a half later the
group staggered out with over $1,000 in
Czech crystal. They were delighted and I was
pleased to have been of some help.
Needless to say the storekeeper was
thanked profusely as was the student who did
all the interpreting.
The story gets better. At the exhibition
later that afternoon the Canadians were the
stars of the show and the Czech fans went
overboard with their applause, showing that
they not only recognized good skating, but
also appreciated it.
The evening ended with a reception for the
skaters, at which time the Canadians were
presented with further awards for the best
showing at the competition. I exchanged
addresses with two of the skaters, Jocleyne
Higgins and Sean Rice whom, I understand,
make their home in Stratford when they are
not skating.
After that I said good-bye in both
languages and headed back to my
"penthouse" feeling that it was one of the
finest weekends I had spent in some time. I
was proud of the team: they were worthy
ambassadors of Canada in a country that
could appreciate the talents they had to offer.
The
Short
of it
By Bonnie Gropp
Being prepared
Be prepared.
The Scouts have known for years there's
merit to this thinking and most of
civilization at one time or another has come
to understand the value of this simplistic, yet
sage, advice.
Some seem to be less then enthused to
take it, however. While seven of 10 North
Huron municipalities are currently working
. on a 'preparedness' restructuring plan, the
Townships of Morris, Turnberry and
Ashfield, have refused to participate. They
did attend a meeting of the restructuring
group last Thursday, but their views still
seemed to be wait and see. Tumbeny Reeve
Brian McBurney even went so far as to say
he would "bet" that the province would not
force amalgamation on Huron if they simply
held the status quo.
Well, I hope he wins. But in the event he
doesn't isn't it better to be prepared? From
my perspective, the North Huron seven have
not been trying to ram anything down
anyone's throat. In as innocuous a manner as
possible they have tried to begin to plan for a
future they do not want, but may have to
accept.
"This is not an economic decision, it is a
political one," said Grey Reeve Robin
Dunbar explaining the group's reasoning.
They have never believed there will be any
great savings to municipalities through
restructuring; rather they see their action as a
way of holding off provincial intervention. If
a commissioner comes calling to force
amalgamation, Huron can perhaps be saved
from a situtation like Kent or Toronto, by the
introduction of a locally designed proposal.
Reps from Morris and Turnberry stated
they are unwilling to amalgamate. So are the
rest. McBurney said he believed that if a
commissioner came into Huron the
government would probably decide anyway
hOw the county would be amalgamated.
Probably. But without a plan, Huron can
count on it.
Is it sensible to refuse to have a fire escape
plan for your home, because you don't want
a fire? Just because you know what you'd do
in an fire doesn't mean you're going to strike
the match.
To be honest I have little respect for a
politician who is not fighting for what they
think is best. However, I also have little
respect for a politician who is not being
proactive and preparing for the worst.
-None of the North Huron politicians want
to amalgamate and I believe none of them
will unless forced to. However, to protect
the interests of a municipality and its people
councils need to take part in these
discussions with an open mind and be
involved in the planning process. If, and
only if, the province puts pressure on Huron,
the group's scenarios would be presented for
approval. The time for input from those
previously not interested would at that point
be gone.
There is no hidden agenda for the seven;
while the North Huron group has
encouraged total participation, remember it
was Morris, Turnberry and Ashfield that
called a meeting excluding some of the
others. The bottom line here is that we have
a group of policiticans working toward a
proposal that will, as Blyth Reeve Mason
Bailey said, make them less of a loser. They
are not attempting to force amalgamation,
but to simply be prepared should someone
attempt to force it on them. There's merit in
that.
International Scene By Raymond Canon