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The Citizen, 1999-06-02, Page 5A funny thing happened on the way to election Ninety-eight per cent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest citizens, it’s the other lousy two per cent that get all the publicity. But then - we elected them. - Lily Tomlin Ah, the anti-politician bandwagon is an easy one to hitch a ride on, but I’ll pass this time. The poor slobs we send to Ottawa and to our provincial capitals have enough people slagging them day and night without my added tuppenceworth. Truth is, I don’t have high hopes for any politicians. These are people who usually started out as lawyers - and went downhill from there. I don’t expect them to reflect qualities like honesty, scruples or integrity. Hell, I’d be happy if politicians were just a little funnier. I’d settle for comic relief. There was a time when politics and humour knew how to dance. The greatest comedic putdown in the history of the English language sprang from the lips of a British political malcontent by the name of John Wilkes. Working the internet When I started writing articles back in the 1950s, I sent them off by mail and hoped they arrived. In the 1980s I took a quantum leap in getting my articles to their rightful place. One of my duties was to write an editorial five or six times a week for the Stratford Beacon-Herald which provided me with a portable word processor connected to the phone line. I typed the editorial, proofread it and sent it via the phone line to the newspaper’s computer in Stratford. When the editor arrived, he called it up on his screen and took it from there. What a real improvement from the old typewriter and mail routine! I now do my writing sitting in front of a computer flanked by a printer and a scanner. The thought occurred to me that this equipment might eam some additional income but I must admit the first opportunity arrived much more quickly than expected. I came across some info on the Swiss air force provided by a British company and noticed a couple of small errors. Off went a correction to the company. In short order a reply came back thanking me and asking me if I could upgrade this force’s history going back to 1914. I accepted and the next three weeks were dedicated to just that. Not all assignments have come as easily as that one. Wilkes was responding to a slur from a political enemy, the Earl of Sandwich, who had told him: “'Pon my word, Wilkes, I don't know whether you'll die on the gallows or of the pox.” To which Wilkes silkily rejoined: “That must depend, my Lord, on whether I first embrace your Lordship’s principles, or your Lordship’s mistresses.” Somehow I can’t hear Mike Harris voicing a comeback like that. The Brits of course are past masters at the art of political wit - none more so than the grandmaster of the century, Sir Winston Churchill. Churchill, who once cast a withering gaze across the floor of the House of Commons at the honourable Leader of the Opposition and pronounced him, “a modest little man ... with much to be modest about.” Churchill, who once described political skill as “the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen.” We’ve had our share of witty politicians on this side of the water - mostly in the past, alas. Abe Lincoln was a pretty funny guy. Homely too - but he didn’t sweat it. “The Lord prefers common-looking people,” said Lincoln. “That’s the reason he makes so many of them.” Lyndon Johnson, despite outward appearances of classic Crude OF Boyism - But two thoughts occurred to me: more people are opting for the self-employment route as they come to terms with the rapid economic changes taking place in our society and they are realizing the advantages that the internet provides in marketing their services or products. To give you an idea of how some people are actually going about this, I started looking for a good example. Again one dropped into my lap totally unexpectedly and I had my material. The person in question is Karen Brown who lives in Exeter. She was previously general manager of the London Downtown Business Association but the changes in the nature of the business improvement areas made her job redundant. As a single parent with two growing daughters, she looked around for something that would keep her closer to home. Having worked with her mother to find proper utensils for use in the kitchen, she realized how difficult it was to find ones that could be used easily by those people facing some physical challenges such as MS, stroke or arthritis. Providing a supply to this demand proved to be the challenge she was looking for and so, her company, Help Mates, was bom. Not only does Help Mates sell tools to make kitchen chores more manageable, visitors to the site will also discover items to assist with other everyday tasks such as dressing, grooming and even maintaining social activities. She soon realized the demand for such utensils was truly international. To date she has, on her web site, received hits from as far away as Japan, United Arab had a sharp tongue on him. “Oh, Gerry Ford’s a nice enough guy,” he once said of the I.Q.-challenged future president, “He just played too many football games without a helmet.” Here in Canada, humorous politicians are about as plentiful as palm trees ... but the few we’ve had weren’t half bad. Sir John A. McDonald to political colleague D’Arcy McGee: “Look here, McGee, this government can’t afford to have two drunkards. You’ve got to stop.” John Diefenbaker on political polls: “Polls? I have no time for polls. “You know what dogs do to poles....” Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau to Progressive Conservative critics in the House of Commons complaining about his new swimming pool: “You may come over at any time to practise your diving. “Even before the water is in.” Mostly though, when our Canadian politicians enter a duel of wits, they go in barehanded. As in the case of Mitchell Hepburn, one-time Liberal premier of Ontario. Speaking from the back of a manure spreader to a group of farmers during a political campaign, Hepbum decided to try to be witty. “Gentlemen,” he announced, “this is the first time in my life that I have spoken from a Tory platform.” From the back of the crowd came the growl of a farmer. “Throw ‘er in low gear, Mitch, she’s never had a bigger load on.” Emirates, Hong Kong, Australia and all over Europe. Not surprisingly, the largest single number of inquiries come from the U.S. These international inquiries make up from one quarter to one half of all her hits. It is fair to say that only the internet could have given Karen such a broad spectrum of potential customers. She has been helped too by such places as rehab centres. I asked Karen if she had any advice for people thinking of using the internet for such businesses. Her answer was that it would be especially suitable for niche products or services. Once you have a web site, it is important to maintain an up-to-date service, providing the variety that keeps it from growing stale. It is also essential to constantly incorporate lessons learned from previous transactions, to add or delete items wherever necessary. With Karen’s entrepreneurial spirit, it is easy to see why she is a natural for the internet. If her product line interests you, why not give her a call at 1-888-771-0977 or email sales@helpmates.on.ca Better yet, visit the catalogue on line at www.helpmates.on.ca A Final Thought Nothing can add more power to your life than concentrating all of your energies on a limited set of targets. - Nido Qubein THE. CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, JUNE 2, 1999. PAGE 5. The Short of it By Bonnie Gropp What’s left after the right Tomorrow I will cast my vote for the provincial election. That I will cast my vote, there is no question; which way it may go is quite another matter. Without getting too specific so as not to be accused of attempting to use this medium to sway voters (not that I believe I have that much influence, but just in case), I will say my choices have been whittled to two candidates. My reasons can be simply explained by drawing an analogy to what is expected from people in the professional or corporate world. After all, government is a business of which we regular folk are to be the boss. Let’s not forget, who does pay politicians’ salaries. So, if we caught an employee lying to us, or making false promises time and time again, would we forgive or would we terminate their employment? If an employee fails to deliver, if they in some way disappointed, what would be the reaction? Would it not be a costly mistake for an employer to give anyone who uses company money for their own gain, or who, during their tenure actually cost the company money, a second chance? What company can survive if its staff is arrogant to the consumer, gives favours to their friends, plays power games with sub­ contractors or takes actions that result in a number of job losses? Those questions easily answered I was left with one definite deletion. And, though integrity and politics are not traditionally words I think likely to be used in the same phrase, I have put my faith in two candidates. Unfortunately, I cannot vote for two. Thus for the past week, knowing right is wrong, I have been doing some mental sparring on what I am left, and further left, with. In retrospect I have noticed historically that on the federal side, my tendency has been to vote for the candidate I feel will best represent my interest. Yet, I realized with interest that on the provincial side I have cast my vote for the person at the top. My dilemma, therefore, is that this time I am not sure either leader instills in me a sense of confidence. There have been weaknesses exposed on both sides, offering me no clear choice. So I look to the candidates, one of whom I know well and admire, one I know virtually not at all. I have listened to their platforms and feel strongly that each is genuine. Therefore, I suppose some of my confusion results in whether my vote is personal. When two seem equally favourable is familiarity an acceptable method of choice? My conscience makes me feel this may be a bit frivolous. Conversely does my conscience cloud my perspective, making it difficult for me to see my acquaintance is indeed the best choice? So I ponder and I weigh, I choose one then the other, all with the knowledge that come election day the decision will be made in the exact second it takes to mark an X. Such impulsiveness does not bother me overmuch as it will not have occurred without cogitation. It will bother me far worse if my vote does not have the effect for which I am hoping, because if I’m certain of one thing, it is there is no right answer in this election.