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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 1999-04-28, Page 5THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, APRIL 28, 1999. PAGE 5. Blue humour I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, hut no sense of humour. Edward Albee My, but the the internet is an amazing phenomenon. You can use it to download the third volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica, or to swap soup recipes with your Aunt Bernice in Canberra. You can play chess on the internet, or you can look up Bill Gates phone number. Why, John Alejandro King has even figured out a way to get fired on internet. Mister King runs a website called Covert King, at least he did at the time I was typing these words. Covert King is a site that pokes fun at the Central Intelligence Agency, which also happens to be the firm that pays Mister King's salary - or at least did at the time L was typing etcetera. Some of the yuks you'll find at the Covert Comic website: As a CIA employee, whenever I hear that the agency is programming peoples' minds, I have to laugh. I don't want to laugh when I hear this, but I have to because that's the way the CIA programmed my mind. Granted, John King is no Robin Williams - he might not even be a Milton Berle - but he sounds pretty harmless, right? Not the way his crepe-soled superiors read it. A CIA spokes­ man (anonymous, natch) mutters, "His jokes ■ \ I International Scene The lighter side of the world When you have been teaching as long as I have, everything you do or say runs the risk of being turned into just another chance to lecture somebody on something. Looking at the articles I have been writing lately, they seem to be slipping into my classroom style. However, lecturing my readers to death (death by elocution) is far from, my mind. For this reason it might be a good thing to bring you a lighter fare this week, away from the thought that the world, once again, is going to hell in a handbasket and, if people only listened-to you, all would not be lost. I don’t usually write very much on North Korea, for the simple reason news out of that country is hard to come by. However, the starving inhabitants of that bastion of communism are well on track to having the most expensive $125 million birthday party of the century. It is not that they have benefitted from it or even approved of it. All the benefit seems to have gone to Kim Jong II, the leader for life, whose 57th birthday it was that caused the splash. Known as the "Dear Leader", the party in Pyongyang, the capital, is reported to have had on display 2,500 different kinds of flowers, all of them named after Mr. Kim. Well, at least 1 still get candles although my family is rather circumspect about how many they put on my cake. Since 1 was not invited to the great Pyongyang party, I shall pass on quickly to other areas. I once went into the bank in Frydek-M-istek to withdraw some money from my account. I was told I had to have my are not funny, and in many cases, tasteless." This, from the spokesman of an agency which once seriously contemplated ending the Castro Regime by sending an exploding cigar to Fidel. Cops (or "law enforcement individuals" as they like to style themselves) are notorious for lacking an on-duty sense of humour. Which is a pity, considering the material they have to work with. Consider our own finest - the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. They're hardly ever mounted, for starters. Mounties are more likely to be jockeying an office chair on casters than anything wearing horseshoes. Not that they don't exhibit fine comedic instincts once they get away from the office. Our Mounties are the guys who burned bams during the Quebec crisis, pepper-sprayed Canadian students in defence of an Indonesian tyrant and were lately implicated in the dynamiting of a gas well shed in Alberta. What is all this, make work projects? The Mounties looked positively buffoonish back in 1995 when an Ottawa headcase managed to waltz past guards and wander around 24 Sussex for half an hour while the PM in his PJs held the guy off with a piece of Inuit statuary. RCMP? Sounds more like KK. As in Keystone Kops. And who can forget their performance earlier this year in Vancouver, appearing as gaffers and grips for a TV film crew covering By Raymond Canon passport; even a photostat copy of it was not good enough. I had to go home, a 15-minute walk, to get it and then go back. I was then taken to the teller to withdraw my money but this teller said, "We don't need to see Mr. Canon’s passport, we know who he is.” By this time I had got used to the vagaries of Czech banking so I started to laugh. The face on the person who had insisted on having my passport was as red as her dress, however. I recently came across a couple of comments by Teddy Roosevelt (not the Roosevelt who was president during World War II). Commenting on a politician he disliked intensely and who had just left for a safari in Africa, Roosevelt observed, "I hope the first lion he meets will do his duty.” On the Americans he commented. "I have no idea what the American people think. I only know what they should think.” Given that by and large politicians are a dull lot, it is nice to hear such quips now and again even when you may not agree with them. Moving over to Australia, the Aussies, or at least some of them, have come face to face with Baywatch.One would have thought that the world’s most widely watched TV series (one billion viewers in 144 countries), in spite of its obvious predictable and weak plots, would have been eagerly welcomed in that country. Not so! It seems that a group of residents of Avalon, the community where the new group of plots were to be filmed, objected to David Hasselhoff et al taking over their entire beach, even though the obvious economic benefits were considerable. The beaches should be open to everybody, they huffed. Apparently, their huffing and puffing did the trick. Baywatch, probably for the first time in its existence, had to pull up stakes and move to another beach where the inhabitants were a bit more hospitable or given to babe-watching. the search of Premier Clark's house? Making fun of the Mounties? Me? Not a chance. They do such a fine job of it themselves. Besides, the Mountie image is officially owned by Walt Disney Inc. Taking the Mickey out of the cops is one thing. Only a fool would trifle with Disney. Reminds me of the time Jean Chretien decided to find out who was the more competent crimestopper, the RCMP or CSIS. He released a specially marked rabbit into the bush surrounding Harrington Lake and challenged each group to find it. CSIS agents slipped in under cover of darkness. They placed animal informants throughout the woods. They questioned everything that moved. After three months of intensive investigation they announced their findings: Rabbits do not exist. Then the Mounties go in. After two weeks with no leads they set fire to the forest killing everything within, including the rabbit. They pronounce "Operation Clean Slate" an unqualified success. Frustrated, the Prime Minister does what he always does in a real crisis: he asks the U.S. president what he should do. The president sends up a SWAT team from the Los Angeles Police Department. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten beaver. The beaver is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit!" Given that our lakes have no tides we need not worry about being faced with the same dilemma. During my short stay (three weeks) in Baghdad, I noticed that the city was remarkably lacking in monuments. If I remember.correctly, there were just one or two of them. Evidently, Saddam Hussein has noticed too and is doing his best to remedy it. There are not one but two victory arches, an unknown soldier’s tomb, and any number of small statues and fountains which have, you guessed it, good old Saddatn as the centrepiece. Another monument on the drawing boards is to that "Mother of All Battles”, to use Saddam’s expression, that is, the 1991 Gulf War, which the Iraqi leader insists his country won. In all this he has permitted (ordered?) himself to be portrayed as a cross between Alexander the Great and Nebuchadnezzar or maybe it is both at the same time. But let us not be too harsh on Saddam. Leaders do, after all, tend to have likenesses of themselves portrayed on coins, as well as monuments and statues. You had only to go to a communist country during the cold war to see the truth in that. What, too, about the presidents on Mt. Rushmore? Maybe Kim Jong II should get together with Saddam some time to compare notes. A Final Thought An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; a pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity. Winston Churchill The Short of it Not the norm ' Last week Littleton, Colorado mourned and people everywhere asked how did this happen. The news that more young people had died at the hands of their peers during yet another high school massacre was no less shocking than the first time. Though the carnage in this case was the worst, since October of 1997 there have been similar attacks at eight U.S. schools. Making this all the more horrendous is the fact it's been children killing children. Troubled teens seems to be an all too familiar chant. The shocking violence and our exposure to them through the media often makes it difficult to rationalize they still do represent a small sect. Fear is compounded by the inadequacy, the confusion over what has gone wrong and how to correct it. And there will be no answers here. I would not presume to be so arrogant as to offer a cure for society's ills. No, I would prefer instead to remind everyone in the shadow of this sad, disturbing mark on adolescence, that there are still shining examples among today's youth. They have talent, strength and a desire to make a difference. Visit any high school and you will see them represented on the honour roll or in the trophy case. Recently in our area exclusively we have seen what their passion can achieve. Within the past year, a group of teens interested in theatre created their own acting company. They mounted two productions, ambitious undertakings that involved everything from fundraising and promotion to set design and special effects. They were both successes and, for audience members, will stand as testament to what teens can do. Two weeks ago, an F.E. Madill student formed a committee of her peers and together they produced a coffee house to raise funds for cancer research. These wonderful young people not only displayed a talent and poise that few adults possess, but selflessly raised $800 for their admirable cause. And as a secondary point, they proved once again the importance of the arts, not just for its entertainment value, but as a financial mover and shaker. Last year, a local band, desiring a venue, came up with the idea of a concert featuring young talent, with a portion of the proceeds going to charity. The second one was held last weekend, and again, the effort was huge, with bands coming from as far away as Toronto to do what they love most and give something back. Though there was the typical few out to spoil it for others, the auditorium full of teenage enthusiasm was kept in check by a handful of adult volunteers, because the majority there were quite simply good kids. You don't have to look hard to find them. They were at St. Anne's in Clinton this week hosting a coffee house to help Kosovo refugees. They volunteer to coach minor sports, they hold down jobs, they teach Sunday school. They are entrepreneurs, budding scientists, and poets. They will be on stage at Madill in early May with a production of Grease. There are examples in today’s youth of talent, insight and passion. And after tragedies like last week's it's good to take some time to acknowledge them. Compliment them, give them the attention they deserve. They are the norm. Don't let the sick, troubled few make you forget that.