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The Citizen, 1997-12-24, Page 5stealing, or coveting one's neighbours burro And, say the folks at Ultra Tech, the THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 24,1997. PAGE 5. Sometimes I worry about my readers Sometimes I worry about the readers of this column. Take Alex Murdoch of Fredericton, NB. Last week, Alex mailed me a...brochure, I guess we'll have to call it. With the brochure, Alex included the following covering letter: Dear Arthur: I was reading through my wife's Chatelaine magazine this month when I came across this lovely product. I called the 1-800 number asking for more information and lo-and-behold, got this brochure in the mail yesterday! I couldn't help thinking it was just the sort of thing you might be interested in. Let me know what you think! Sincerely, Alex The brochure Alex sent me came from Ultra Tech Products Incorporated, of Houston, Texas. What Ultra Tech is flogging is... I mean what Ultra Tech is putting on the market is a f... This is very difficult. It involves one of the last taboos of free speech. I could write a column about axe murderers or about Bingo in the Vatican. I could write about cheating, swearing, International Scene By Raymond Canon Long road for Slovaks In 1918, at the conclusion of the First World War, the Czechs and Slovaks in the Austrian-Hungarian Empire were able to achieve their fondest dream - independence. They became Czechoslovakia, with Prague in the Czech, as the capital. For those readers not fully acquainted with the geography of the country, Prague is in the western part, while the Slovaks live in the eastern section. This union lasted until 1993 when the two decided to separate, each forming its own country. I think it came as something of a surprise to everybody and, while the Slovaks may have a certain amount in common with our own Quebec separatists, language problems are certainly not one of them. The Czechs and Slovaks speak almost the same language. Whenever I am in Slovakia, the Slovaks have to put up with my limited Czech, which they seem to do without any problem. The main bone of contention seems to be the Slovak's assertion that the whole country was being run by the Czechs in Prague. Outside of Alexander Dubcek and his ill- fated reforms in 1968, all the main leaders have been Czech. The Slovaks, living in the poorer mainly agricultural part of the country, felt that enough was not being done financially to and it wouldn't raise a single eyebrow. But let me mention one word about 'gas' and ka-boom! Strong editors lunge for their blue pencils and little old ladies from the Queen Charlotte Islands to Joe Batt's Arm recoil as if hit by an Eric Lindros cross check. Gas. That's what the brochure Alex Murdoch sent me is all about. Hydrogen sulphide. Human...produced....hydrogen sulphide. Intestinal gas. Flatulence. Actually, the brochure is touting the praises of something called The Flatulence Filter Seat Cushion, (formerly known as the Toot Trapper) which the copy assures me "uses Space Shuttle Technology to clean and recycle stale and potentially deadly air." Is all this firepower necessary to combat a relatively minor social problem? According to the folks at Ultra Tech it is. Their brochure includes news stories concerning • a woman in North Dakota who divorced her husband. • a 900-pound man in England who died in his sleep • a woman in California who shot her husband What do these stories have in common? The Ultra Tech brochure pulls no punches. They are all what the brochure calls: THE TERRIBLE RESULTS OF SMELLY FLATULENCE develop their section. Injustices, real or imagined, built up to the point where Slovaks decided they wanted to be masters of their own fate. They did just that! As our friend Bouchard is going to find out, if he succeeds in leaving Canada, the Slovaks have not discovered a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Unemployment is twice as high as it is in the Czech Republic and likely to stay that way for the foreseeable future. The Czechs, although their wages are quite low by our standards, earn more than the Slovaks and .pay less in taxes. Furthermore, the Czechs are attracting a great deal more foreign investment than the Slovaks, who have, for some strange reason, attached their economy to Russia by a variety of agreements. Small wonder that the Czechs have been invited to join NATO, not to mention the European Union, while the Slovaks have been bluntly told to get their act together. This act is badly out of kilter in the political area. Whereas the Czech government could easily pass for any other European democratic system, that of the Slovaks is murky to say the least. The country's prime minister, Vladimir Meciar, stays in power by political patronage coupled with an ongoing attempt to intimidate any opposition. He tried to have the country's president thrown out, has enacted laws that discriminate against minorities (especially the Hungarian one) Flatulence Filter is the solution to the problem. What it is, is a fairly simple­ looking foam seat cushion that uses 'space age technology' to filter out and render odourless that which we all wish we didn't produce. Does it work? The folks at Ultra Tech claim they've sold thousands of Flatulence Filters to grateful emitters (usually male) all over the globe. Besides, says Ultra Tech -we men owe it to our Loved Ones. Well, maybe. But I resent the implication that it's just men who need the Flatulence Filter. I’m reminded of the story about the spinster who went to her doctor and told him, "I don't know what the problem is but I have gas just about all the time. It's not a problem socially because I don't make any noise and there's no odour, but I just can't seem to stop. In fact, just since I've been in your office I believe I’ve passed gas at least 20 times." The doctor nods and hands her some pills, telling her to take them three times a day and to come back in two weeks. Two weeks later the spinster is back in the doctor's office. And she is ticked off. "What kind of medicine is this?" she demands. "I'm still passing gas as much as I was before. They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!" The doctor nods again. "Okay, now that we have your sinuses cleared up, we'll get you fitted for a hearing aid." and never stops trying to shackle the press. Instead of letting bankrupt firms exit the market, he props them up with money that could be put to far better use elsewhere. If you ask the Czechs what they think about the Slovaks, they will usually tell you that the latter are more religious and also more emotional. One Czech I talked to compared them to Italians emotionally, which is not far off the mark. The Slovaks consider the Czechs to be more materialistic and agree that they are less "Italian". Neither country requires Canadians to have a visa when they enter, unlike the Poles which demand a stiff price for a single entry visa. The Czechs also got a break with their capital city. Bratislava, the Slovak capital, cannot hold a candle to Prague for sheer beauty. While I cannot get excited about the cuisine in either place, there are enough attractive things about the Czech Republic and Slovakia to make me overlook the food. I'm sure by now that the majority of Slovaks realize that they have a long way to go to catch up with their erstwhile countrymen. A Final Thought Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps the singing bird will come — Chinese proverb Wishing you a relaxing Christmas The trip to Grandma's on Christmas Day is one of my most enduring holiday memories. Time spent in the company of my country cousin, the delicious feast and presents, presents, presents were anticipated for days before. The trek was made after attending church, then a leisurely familial time spent discovering Santa's bounty. Dressed in our Sunday best we loaded into the car alternating each year between a journey of a few miles or a few blocks. As a child it was a special occasion. If there was confusion, I never noticed. If there were little family conflicts, I never noticed them either. Now, as an adult, however, I wonder if my parents found it as magical. For as long as I could recall, I had loved this festive time. But as a grownup, too many social occasions, too many dinners and too much travelling were leaving too little time for me to actually enjoy it. With family circles spreading, numbers and demands increasing, my husband and I eventually agreed the time had come to create our own family Christmas. For several years now, we and our children have celebrated Christmas Day at home. So, rather than feeling worn to a frazzle, with grumpy, tired kids, it has become a relaxing, valued space in time to get re-acquainted with my most cherished and share the beauty of the season. And in my conversations with others, I am hearing more and more following suit. After all, we're tired. The world is so different from when we were young. We spend our time running, whether from work or play, whether for our kids or ourselves. Christmas should be different. It is a time of peace, a time of calm and of goodwill. The taste it offers us of all these things should be savoured not gulped. Now, this is not to say that I don't think it's important to try to be with our extended families at this time of year. Actually I insist we do. My siblings and I live in a four-hour radius of each other and our parents. Four of our children work shifts, three work weekends, as do two of us. Getting together Christmas Day was almost impossible, and organizing it, to be honest, a pain. In order to enjoy our time together, we realized tradition would have to change. We celebrated in November this year. Obviously, I dread the time when this could happen with my own children. We are even getting a taste of it this year, as one of the older ones is working a midnight shift and will have to spend much of the day sleeping. So, I also accept the fact that that time is coming. Someday there will be spouses, who naturally will want time spent with their relatives during the holidays. I hope that I can find enough of the holiday generosity to accept the plans and choices my kids make. Christmas draws families together. It is an occasion to celebrate being a family and be thankful for your family. And when you think about it that's what's important — finding a time that can bring everyone home, relaxed and happy to be sharing any part of this holiday season with those they love.