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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 1997-12-10, Page 5THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 1997. PAGE 5. Arthur Black Fate worse than death Immortality? A fate worse than death! I don't think a lot of folks would agree with Edgar Shoaff, the man who penned the aforementioned sentiment. I think most people would give their left lung for the chance to live forever. We are not the least bit satisfied, swallowing the bitter knowledge that we are no more than flimsy moths around the candle flame of Life. That's why we wear girdles, dye our hair, lather on wrinkle cream and make doctors rich by purchasing lip enhancements, boob lifts and bum tucks. We like to pretend to the rest of the world that we're utterly ageless. Unfortunately, in the game of body alterations, there's only one rule: Gravity bats last. If you don't believe me, look at Nancy Reagan, Joan Rivers and the actress Eartha Kitt. They've all spent fortunes on plastic surgery. They all look like anorexic vampire bats. There are other ways to chase immortality - fame, for instance. But it's no lead pipe cinch either. I am sure, in their heydays, that Rudolph Valentino and Clara Bow thought they'd be household words forever. But a modem teenager wouldn't know if they were people or ice cream flavours. Sometimes fate can be especially cruel. Your name becomes immortal but you are utterly forgotten. Do you know who Buick is? Or Chevrolet? How about the Amana who got all those freezers named after him? Or the Norden who invented the World War II Let’s go shopping I thought you might like to go shopping with me in Fry-dek Mistek and see how it is so different from what is done in Canada. I think that, after you have read this article, you will agree that it is not much different from that in most other European countries and certainly quite different from what we do in Canada. There are certainly no large supermarkets or shopping malls here; this will mean making a number of stops before we are finished. We are also likely to go shopping a number of times each week as people limit their shopping each time to what they can carry. Be careful before you cross the street, even at a crosswalk. You may see the familiar white stripes, but that does not mean that cars will stop. Czech drivers still have not got it into their heads that crosswalks are for the safety of pedestrians; as a result you play a Czech version of Russian roulette. Don't step bravely out, hoping for the best. Wait until you are sure the car will actually stop for you; then cross. Our first stop is a grocery store which in Canadian terms is a glorified variety store. We take our shopping bags with us, or buy one for. 25 cents. There is a small selection of frozen foods, in fact a small selection of everything except maybe pop and alcohol. Yes! You read it bombsight? Gone. Forgotten like umpteen hundred thousand Smiths and Joneses before them. Fortunately, there is a way to become immortal. And wouldn't you know it -- Canadians are responsible for it. Canadian entomologists, as a matter of fact, in the employ of the University of Manitoba. The U of M, like most non-profit institutions trying to live through the Chretien Crunch, is strapped for cash. But the university’s department of entomology is not going to die without a whimper. It's fighting back. By selling immortality. It works like this: a bunch of the boys in the bug department were sitting around one day talking about what they could do to generate some cash flow. One of them mentioned that all they had in the way of assets was several hundred billion creepy crawly critters. "And," added one of them ruefully, "nearly half of them haven't even been named yet." Which is when the light bulb of opportunity went incandescent for the entomologists. Why not, they asked themselves, sell off insect labeling rights to well-heeled, immortality-seeking Canadians? Said Canuck customers would get to see their names live on in learned scientific journals, and the scientific community would pick up some very much needed cash. "Most of these names last forever" says Robert Roughly, a spokesman for the entomology department. Roughly also admits that the idea wasn't exactly original. The London Stock Exchange has been selling off names of bugs found in Costa Rica for more By Raymond Canon correctly. Czech grocery stores have a good selection of beer, wine and all kinds of liquor and at prices lower than in Canada. Even at that, they are expensive for the Czechs. Czech beer is great; the best in the world. Czech wine is, on the other hand, mediocre. There is a good selection of bread at about 50 - 75 cents a loaf. Rolls are also in plentiful supply, but we might try buying some of our fresh vegetables at the outside stands that we saw on the way. Check-outs are surprisingly fast, thanks to the electronic systems brought in from the west. Some of the purchase slips still have the words in English. If we buy bananas, which are about the same price as in Canada, the self-serve weighing machine gives instructions in English; there is a sign in Czech with a translation. Quite a pleasant surprise, isn’t it! We go to a butcher shop for our meat. It is something of a disappointment with high prices and a quality below that to which Canadians are accustomed. Sausages are common fare as is pork in general. Chicken and fish are less commonly available but are eaten. Don’t forget to buy potatoes; they figure prominently in most Czech meals. You can get them in the grocery store or at the stalls on the street. Juice comes in boxes or bottles while there is a good selection of butter and yogurt. There are somewhat fewer cheese items and skim-milk cheese can occasionally be seen, imported from nearby Austria. If you see clerks standing around in stores, than a year now. "Certainly it's been done in the past" admits Roughly, "But we think it's an idea whose time has come back." How does it work? Dead simple. You, with Visa card in hand, call up the University of Manitoba Department of entomology. They read you out a list of insects that are ready, willing and able to carry your name down the corridors of eternity. Is it cheap? Depends on what you want. You can give your moniker to a lowly water beetle for as little as $200. Of course if you're in the market for something a little fancier — a moth, say, or a katydid — well, that's going to cost you a little more. And just to get the ball rolling, the folks in the U of M entomology department have named two hitherto anonymous insects after one of our former illustrious leaders. You won't be surprised to learn that, among his many national depredations as prime minister, Brian Mulroney slashed government funds for research and development, severely crippling work at universities right across the country, not least at the University of Manitoba. Do the Manitoban academics bear a grudge? Hah! You underestimate the generosity of spirit to be found in the U of M's entomology department. Why, already they've named two bugs after the ex-PM, absolutely free. One is the Mulroney insect, a near-sighted bug with a nasty bite. The other is the Meech Fly, a small winged creature that lives on dung and inhabits the Meech Lake area. A spontaneous gesture of good will, the entomologists call it. Type casting, I call it. apparently doing nothing, they really do have an assignment. It is watching you and other customers to make sure you do not shoplift. I have yet to see anybody get caught, but pilfering does exist. I have to buy a small hammer, so we look for a Zhelezarzastvi. Fortunately we have to find it, not pronounce it. When we get inside, we find that it is much smaller than a Canadian hardware store but they do have a hammer and some nails at a good price. Our bags are just about full now as we head for home, once again playing Russian roulette with the drivers at the pedestrian crossing. We want to have a cup of coffee on the way, if only to rest our feet and arms for a while but we find that we are just about out of money. Not to worry! We have our bank card with us and withdraw the necessary funds at the bank machine. Our cup of coffee is 40 cents. Nobody has heard of Tim Horton's here but we could have gone to a nearby McDonald's. The coffee there is good, the inside is as clean as in Canada and people of all ages are to be seen there. It is rather expensive by Czech Standards. Finally, we reach home, realizing that in a couple of days we shall have to do it all over again. Such is life in the Czech Republic. A Final Thought The world does not pay for what a person knows. It pays for what a person does with what he knows. Give back if you can The Harris government is trying to buy our favour. This is the sentiment of a number of parents regarding the government's offer of up to $400 for parents "inconvenienced" by the teachers' political protest. The money saved due to the teachers' withdrawal of services over 10 days, nine in Huron, is to compensate for lost pay, babysitters, etc. However, any parent, with a child 13 or under, can put in a claim, without submitting a receipt. Some think it makes more sense to put the money back in the schools. The board of education, though, is required by the province to return 90 per cent of any of the money not spent, to the province's coffers, despite the fact that 55 per cent of the funds for education are raised locally. Therefore, if parents don't file a claim, 90 cents of every $ 1 not spent will leave Huron County. Today, students are sharing math textbooks. Often the books they are using are so outdated, that as one teacher noted recently, after using one reader it's a whole different lesson explaining to his Grade 1 class why Mom is home and Dad is out working. And parents already more than contribute to expand their child's education or involvement in school. In secondary schools, it costs money to play a sport or to join a club. In addition, students are fundraising, which can mean long distance calls selling to relatives, then gas spent delivering the merchandise. None of these details are news to anyone with children in the system. Parents have been contributing financially and in volunteer hours for several years, yet many things are still lacking in classrooms. So in addition to supplementing the income of those who did endure hardship during the protest, investing the money in much needed educational equipment and materials would make sense. Instead the province has offered temptation to a few. It would seem more in keeping with the government's promise of quality education, to use that money as something other than a public relations ploy, particularly when one considers the government's plan to cut an additional $660 million from education. I don't have children under 13. Had they been just a couple of years younger, I could have received $360 despite the fact that I would have made no special arrangements for them during the strike. And, at a time of year when the shortbread the government was dangling in front of me would be plenty hard to resist. Would I have had the attitude — and fortitude — to see that the money I was taking from fellow taxpayers would at least in part, be used for the children in Huron County? I don't know, but I'd like to think so. Certainly, there are parents who were severely inconvenienced by the protest. And certainly if parents don't take this money, someone else will. Maybe I'm munching on some sour grapes, but anyone who takes it all, who neither needs it financially, nor has anyone to compensate for child care, should perhaps think again. Returning a portion is a generous gesture that underlines a commitment to quality education and a real concern for all the children in Huron.