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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 1997-09-10, Page 5THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10,1997. PAGE 5. It won’t be me Are you one of those folks who just doesn't feel comfortable in social gatherings? No good at small talk? Just can't seem to get the hang of breaking the ice with strangers and developing profound, meaningful relationships? Well, have you ever considered getting buck naked and painting yourself like a zebra? Don't laugh. It works for Bruno Beloff. Bruno's a 27-year-old British computer consultant. In his spare time, he shucks his duds, covers himself in black and white strips and goes out and mingles. He's been doing it for seven years. Ever since he encountered his first live zebra herd on a trip to Africa. "It was fantastic" says Bruno. "There is something so self-reliant about a herd of zebras... what impertinence! It was inspiring." You’ve got to admit, Bruno's got a point. There is something defiant about the zebra. Most animals slink around in mousy brown and gray camouflage suits trying to blend into the landscape. And the zebra? The zebra puts on his formal best bib arid tucker, sashays out on the runway and says "Catch me if you can, sucker!" Whatever the zebras' motivation, they captured Bruno Beloff s heart. He can't wait Repent! The end is near! For quite a while I have not received hot off the press a prediction of an impending economic catastrophe. Such predictions usually come in groups and I felt that it was about lime for another. Sure enough; I was not disappointed. The first has arrived, appropriately titled "The Great Inflation Surprise." Before I get into the details of the book, may I say that, almost without exception, such publications come from the United States. I don't know what it is about the Americans but they can see impending doom before the economic soothsayers of any other nation. _ Not only that but they just happen to have the precise antidote so that, if you follow the advice, you will be able to avoid economic downfall and in so doing make a proverbial bundle. I don't recall a German writing a book from Russia telling me how to profit from the downfall of Boris Yeltsin, whenever that might take place. I most assuredly did not find in Switzerland a book entitled "William Tell’s secrets on how to profit from any collapse in the Swiss chocolate market." In short, only the Americans seem to have an insight in economic disaster. Now that I have got that out of my system, let's take a look at the latest book, to which I referred above. The author opens with a traditional line: "...in all my 36 years of to get home from work, get skinny, paint himself up and hit the party circuit. Bruno was understandably a little skittish at first. He'd visit the largely deserted beaches of Norfolk, or paw at the heather in remote comers of Scotland, unwilling to get really convivial. But he’s grown bolder of late. Nowadays he shows up in busy pubs and even canters down the crowded streets of his own home town of Brighton. And how do people react? Well, how would you react if you saw a naked man painted like a zebra strolling down the street? People don't quite know how to react. But so far, no one's called the police. Or tried to throw a saddle on him. "On the whole, the public is really positive and open, even in London," reports Bruno. "I've been stunned on occasion by cheers and applause from the most unlikely onlookers. No one has ever got angry with me, not once." "Besides," says Bruno, "in England, people go out of their way to avoid other people - but not zebras." It is now whimsical, spur-of-the-moment fashion impulse that Bruno's obeying. The special body paint required costs Bruno about $300 per application, and the transformation from Homo Sapiens to zebra takes a full three hours, during which the zebra - er, Bruno - has to remain perfectly still. To avoid smudging. Luckily, Bruno has an understanding artist By Raymond Canon studying the investment markets, I have ever known a time so full of opportunity ... yet so fraught with dangers. As you read on, I'll tell you how I’ve already helped thousands of investors like you stay on the right side of past trends, turning modest sums of money into true wealth... I can't stress strongly enough just how important this knowledge is to your future investing success." The wording is only slightly different from other books I have received over the years. Oh yes, in case you want to take advantage of this inside information, it can be had for only $149 a year that is since no self- respecting prophet would give out all his truth at one shot. If you want a two-year subscription, the cost is $269. I'm sure that most of us would simply have to dip into petty cash or, of course, use our credit card. After all, why not help the banks make a bit more money to add to their meagre profits. May I add that people living in the Maritime Provinces have to tack on 15 per cent; the lucky people of Ontario only have to pay seven per cent extra. Maybe that is why the Maritimers turned on the Liberals in the last election. When you see the word 'inflation' in a title, it can usually be counted on to tell you something about a rampant rise in prices that will erode a great deal of accumulated wealth. Even double digit inflation can do a good job of reducing your wealth, but the really bad kind is what we call hyperinflation where the value of money shows a dramatic drop every day. friend who has agreed to apply the stripes for free. But you have to wonder, if Bruno has this ... thing ... about zebras, why doesn't he just dress up (or down) in the privacy of his own bedroom? "It doesn't mean anything to be a zebra by yourself," he says. "For me this only makes sense if people have a chance to react to me." And does he ever get lonesome? Pine for the company of his own ... kind? You bet. That's why this summer Bruno The Zebra Beloff plans to appear as part of a large herd of like-minded zebra wannabes, probably in a pasturage near Glastonbury. Bruno may just be a zebra ahead of his time. There is an internet news group called 'Pet Server' which caters to folks who like to pretend to be animals - dogs, cats, horses. There is even a guy by the name of Malcolm McKee in Liverpool (another computer consultant, suspiciously enough) who dresses up in a 20-pound fake fur suit to become Shep the Old English Sheep Dog. So whaddya think? Is it catching? Will we one day soon see naked Canucks running around as zebras, pigs and/or Old English Sheepdogs? I can't say for sure. But if fate should bring you to Vancouver some day and you're walking down Granville Avenue and you behold a bald, chubby guy, naked as a jaybird except for some zebra racing stripes galloping toward you, I want you to know ... It won't be me. However, this time the author is not talking about that at all; he is referring instead to no inflation at all or even deflation. This means something like a house that you paid $150,000 for is now worth only $100,000 and you are out a lot of money. Fortunately we have these self-styled financial saviors to help us out with almost all the ultimate truths coming out of the United States. It goes without saying that, if such an expert is in anyway successful in selling his brand of doom and gloom along with the appropriate remedy, he stands to make a considerable amount of money, if the yearly fees quoted are any indication. If the predicted catastrophe does not take place, the expert can quietly fold his tent and enjoy his money while those who paid for his advice may or may not be better off as a result of all this. I am not suggesting that you put your money under the mattress or bury it in the garden. Nor am I suggesting that such catastrophes are guaranteed not to happen. It is just that they are not nearly as certain as these experts would like you to believe. Or is the remedy proposed the only one that will work. What I can say is that there is still a great deal of truth in the old statement "Let the buyer beware." A Final Thought Always do right - this will gratify some people and astonish the rest. The Short of it We was dissed With power propelling you forward, with time never on your side and too many places to go, it's not always easy to stay cool behind the wheel. Being a good driver is about more than your ability to handle a car, it's also patience and a generous addition of common sense. I have always prided myself on being a fairly tolerant driver and have on more than one occasion been a little disgusted by those I have passengered with who are less so. Recently, however, as a driver I was really put to the test. My first encounter was with an idiot, who slammed on his brakes in the middle of a-double-lined portion of highway, slowed to 35 km/hour, then coasted along gawking at the scenery. Later, another car I was following pulled over towards the edge of the road (not far enough to make passing simple), and cruised along at that popular 35 km speed. Then when I attempted to pass, the driver, who seemed completely oblivious to me, put on her left signal. I pulled back and waited. She continued to drift this way for a bit until she reached the intersection, where she suddenly veered in front of me, again with nary a glance. Folks don't you agree it's hard enough some days to think what we're doing, let alone what all the other drivers are planning? But I gritted my teeth to bite back some less than complimentary phrases, struggling to maintain my cool, as I forced myself to recall I was not ruining this person's day, why let them ruin mine. A recent newspaper feature talked about the hazard caused by people who can't get control. Apparently "road rage" is a symptom of modem life that must be dealt with. David Leonhardt of the Canadian Automobile Association said that road rage is a symptom of modem life, with people wanting immediate results. "And when they can't get it..." But another big problem is that drivers tend to personalize the situation. The newspaper also published some excuses offered by U.S. drivers involved in incidents causing death or injury. My warrior, a road rager of the highest order, found these justifications rather amusing, so I thought I'd share them. • "It was an argument over a parking space." • "He cut me off." • "She wouldn't let me pass." • "He hit my car." • "Nobody gives me the finger." • "The ?@#! kept honking and honking his horn." • "He wouldn't turn of his high beams." • 'They kept tailgating me." • "She kept crossing lanes without signalling... maybe I over-reacted, but it taught her a lesson." • "I never would have shot him if he hadn't rear-ended me." • "Every time the light turned green, he just sat there. I sat through three green lights." • "He couldn't care less about the rest of us... he just kept blocking traffic." • "He practially ran me off the road. What was I supposed to do?" • Finally, a teenager charged with murdering a passenger in another vehicle said simply, "We was dissed."