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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 1997-05-21, Page 5THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, MAY 21, 1997 PAGE 5. O Arthur Black Nostalgia business, alive and well *s Golf: a sport for liars, drinkers and cursers who like to walk two or three miles belabouring an object l/45th their size with a loaded cane. Anon When it comes to the 'sport' of golf, I want to play in Anon's foursome. Golfs a game that can't make up its mind. As someone else once said, if you want to go for a long walk, go for a long walk. If you want to beat small objects with a stick, then beat small objects with a stick, but in the name of common decency, don't combine them. Especially not on television. Particularly when most of the principals wear plaid slacks. Golf is perversity personified. A game where the object is to get the lowest score possible. A game in which the only trophy you get to take home is a wrinkled score card. A game in which flags are called 'pins', duck ponds are called 'water hazards' and people yell "Fore!" when they mean "Look out!" Why, golf is so twisted you can’t even cheat properly! Golf involves caddies - sullen kids you have to actually pay to follow you around all day. You come across your ball lying in the International Scene By Raymond Canon Inflation and the CPI I continue to be amazed at the lack of any real inflationary pressures anywhere in the western world. Right now the figures range from none whatsoever in Sweden to 3.6 per cent in Spain, with Canada somewhere in the middle at just about two per cent. In the United States the rate is about three per cent which may or may not be the true figure, as we shall see in a paragraph or two. The rate in the United States is important for Canadians as well as for Americans. If the cost of living were to show a definite rise south of the border, this would bring their central bank, the Federal Reserve, into the picture in the form of a bank rale increase to head off incipient inflation. This would have a direct effect on Canada; our interest rates would likely go up by a like amount since we are so dependent on the U.S. for our prosperity and we cannot let our rates get out of line. In spite of some periodic mumbling on the part of the chairman of the Federal Reserve, inflation south of the border has remained quite docile and, on the evidence at the time of writing, there is little chance of an increase there or here. But something else has come up in the U.S. which makes it quite probable that the rate of inflation there has constantly been overstated. Furthermore, the reasons for this overstatement are generally to be found in rough, say, eight or 10 feet from the green. Naturally, you're inclined to maybe nudge it a little with the toe of your golf shoe - but nooooooooooo! Your rotten caddy's right there, watching every move you make. Well, I'm happy to report that the folks in charge of the River Valley Golf and Country Club in St. Marys, have at least taken care of that particular annoyance. Sign up to play a round at River Valley and they'll give you a caddy alright - but it won't be some wise­ cracking kid toting your bag. It'll be a llama. Yep, llama - you know those South American critters about the size of a small horse? They kinda look like a sports model of a camel? The River Valley Golf and Country Club has four of them on the caddy payroll this year. What's good about llama caddies? Well, they're strong as all getout. "A llama can easily carry two golf bags" says a club spokesman, "and they love to walk." What's more llamas are naturally toilet trained - they don't 'go' until they find their own self-designated 'litter box'. Which means no unexpected llama-doo hazards on the fairways. There are other advantages to llama caddies. They don't know from beans about golf, so they can't criticize your swing or tell you which iron to use. Tipping llamas is a breeze - just give 'em a handful of grass and Canada as well; it is, therefore, probable that our current rate of two per cent is on the high side. A commission set up by the U.S. Senate Finance Committee has issued its findings; it concludes that inflation is overstated by about one to one and half per cent. If this is the case, the government stands to save a considerable amount of money since much of its spending, about 30 per cent in fact, is directly indexed to changes in consumer prices. When I say a considerable amount of money, I mean in the vicinity of $1 trillion over the next 12 years. Small wonder that politicians who have a real intent of curbing deficit, are all excited about these findings. Let's have a look at some of the details and see how they would apply to Canada. The Consumer Price Index, for openers, does not keep up with change in the products consumers buy, or in how and when they buy them. If we like to buy fresh fruit, we may change from oranges to apples if the latter are cheaper than the former. Yet the CPI continues to log banana prices as if everybody were buying them. Canadians are probably just like Americans; if they have to switch to something less expensive, they will do so. You will buy a paperback instead of a hard covered book; margarine instead of butter and chicken instead of beef. Such instances make up about one-third of all of the upward bias of the price index. With the advent of such stores as Price Club and Walmart, many consumers are they'll be happier than pigs in, um, a poke. And when it comes to discretion, llamas are better than English butlers. These guys are the ultimate in the strong and silent department. So if you do have to 'correct' the lie of your ball or knock a couple of strokes off your round, well ... Who's your llama gonna tell? Besides, llamas can't even count. Llamas as caddies - a great idea! Golfers need never again face the most dreaded terror in the entire world of golf. Caddy Humiliation. Happened to my pal Wally just last year. Wally is an avid golfer, but not a good one. It’s his temper. He loses it almost as often as he loses golfballs. And when Wally loses his temper he likes to take it out on other things. Like trees. Golf tees. And caddies. He was having a terrible round - and what made it worse was his caddy. He wasn't saying a word, but Wally was convinced the caddy was chuckling up his sleeve every time Wally bent over the ball. Finally he couldn't take it any more. Wally missed a putt, threw his putter in the trees turned on his caddy and screamed, "And YOU! You've gotta be the worst caddy in the history of golf!" And the caddy looked at Wally, scratched his nose and said "Nnnnaw. That would be too much of a coincidence." prepared to buy at discounted prices; this owing a bit more to the above-mentioned bias. However, the biggest cause is the failure of the Consumer Price Index to take into consideration the gains achieved from improvements in product quality and the new products which come on the market. To cite one example, cellular phones are nowhere to be seen on the index although they are widely used both in the United States and Canada. The problem which arises from all this is whether to come up with a new, presumably more accurate set of figures or to just continue with the current set and discount it by something in the vicinity of .5 to 1 per cent. Given that the true figure could well be close to 1.5 per cent, such a discounted amount would probably not be far out of line. In fact, one group of Washington politicians has suggested that all government payments that are indexed according to the CPI should be reduced by one-half of one per cent. They have got support for this move from members of the Senate. In this respect it will be worth noting that President Clinton does on the matter. If there is an improvement, look for one to follow in Canada not long after. A Final Thought It is not necessary to blow out the other person's light in order to let your own shine. Oh, the pain! It's a pain. Your shoulders ache with the tension, your neck is stiff. Sparkling rainbows of lights explode before your eyes, to be followed soon by a numbing misery that blinds you. You shut your eyes against the bright lights, as your stomach roils, while agonizing shards of pains seems to crush every portion of your head. Migraine headaches — two words that can send even the strongest, whimpering to a darkened room. Also, known as vascular headaches, their cause is unknown, although a report from the Mayo Clinic says evidence suggest the involvement of the blood vessels in the head. A common disorder it may first strike its victim anywhere from childhood through to early adulthood. Women are three times more likely to have migraines than men. I have been a fortunate (?) sufferer in that mine are generally on the low side of the pain scale. This past week, however, I experienced a doozy, and after conversations with other sufferers, all describing similarities and differences, it inspired me to do a little homework. Migraine has several clinical patterns: classic migraine, which sadistically trumpets its impending arrival by flashes of light, dazzling zigzag lines, numbness and/or dizziness; common migraine, which arrives unannounced and complicated migraine which is associated with prolonged neurologic symptoms that may outlast the head pain. There are also less common forms. I have always known that migraines appear to be triggered by a number of different things. But during my research I was surprised by some of the others I read. According to the Mayo Clinic a period of hard work followed by relaxation can spark a "weekend migraine". Stress, premenstrual changes, alcohol, hunger or oral contraceptives cause migraines in certain people, while in others the trigger may be foods such as red wine, chocolate, aged cheese, milk, chicken livers, meats preserved in nitrates or anything prepared with MSG. Some persons have even suggested that their attack was brought on by sunlight or exercise. Pinpointing what causes your migraine is the biggest part of the battle. If you know certain foods will set those lights dancing, that should be enough incentive to avoid them. Another suggestions is to not oversleep during holidays and weekends. Sufferers of frequent headaches should keep a diary to help them clue in to the cause. Note the time the headache began, what you ate in the 24-hour period before, how you felt and what your were doing when it began, unusual stress, how long the pain lasted and how it stopped. I am one of the fortunate (?) victims, in that I believe I have pinpointed the cause. While it is not food related, so I can't avoid the problem, my situation is predictable, which means I can avoid things such as caffeine or stress that tend to tighten the vise around my skull. I am also lucky (?) in that a mild analgesic can usually have me pretending I'm still part of functioning society. But 1 have been around others for whom there is no respite from the torture, who feel the warnings, wearily batten down their reserves and prepare for the onslaught of anguish. They are indeed brave souls.