HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 1996-09-18, Page 5International Scene
By Raymond Canon
THE CITIZEN. WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 1996 PAGE 5.
Canada's under
the weather
Have you noticed that our country is
slightly out of sorts?
Nothing mortal. No grievous bodily
wounds or lethal wasting diseases. Just a
general...malaise, like a gentle but persistent
hangover.
Canada is under the weather. Fortunately,
I possess the remedy to get the Great White
Giant feeling "regular" again.
Bribery.
Sure. Bribery. Call it "kickbacks" or
"unlisted service charges". Bribery is the
grease that makes the world go round and
Canada is 'way overdue' for an oil change.
Other countries understand the importance
of bribery. In Spanish-speaking countries it's
called ''la mordida" — the little bite. Waiters
in French restaurants expect to receive a
"pourboire" — a little something to buy
themselves a drink. In Arab countries it's
known as "baksheesh".
I don't know what they call it in India, but
I do know that petty bribery is so rampant in
Indian daily life 'that one newspaper in New
Delhi publishes a "bribe index" listing the
cost for getting a phone installed, your gas
hooked up or your house wired for
electricity.
That's...the cost through "unofficial
Letter to
Bill Clinton
HELLO BILL:
You will recall that I dropped you a line a
couple of years ago and you were kind
enough not to ban me from entering the
United States, unlike the fate suffered by
some Canadians whose companies just
happen to do business with Cuba.
Mind you, some of your immigration
officials are a bit testy at the border when I
come across; one even asked me for my
passport when I was just going to a wedding
in Ann Arbour.
However, some of ours are just as nasty;
they doubt my word when I tell them I have
nothing to declare and send me over to have
my vehicle searched. I refrain from saying
"See, I told you so" when they conclude
their meticulous search without finding a
thing.
While we are on the subject, how do you
like those two Canadian politicians who are
trying to put through a bill in Parliament to
give descendents of the United Empire
Loyalists the right to sue Americans for
property which was seized when the UEL
came to Canada in the 18th century? That
should give Sen. Helms something to think
about, that is, if he ever engages in such
activity. He certainly has not impressed
Canadians with any deep thoughts.
I know that you are involved in an election
campaign to get you re-elected as president.
It is amazing just how many people like the
channels" you understand.
In Canada, we'd call it extortion and then
we'd call the cops. That's not how it works in
the rest of the world. Elsewhere, the bribe is
a perfectly acceptable way to cut through
bureaucratic morass (and to supplement
often paltry paycheques).
I once lived in Madrid for a spell, and
received my mail through General Delivery
at the main Spanish post office.
Or attempted to. It was kind of frustrating.
Every day I would go down to the post
office and ask the clerk — a harried looking
wiry little man — for my mail. Every day he
would look at me with sympathetic spaniel
eyes and shrug, murmuring "No hay nada,
senor."
After a few weeks of this, a Spaniard
caught my eye as I was turning from the
wicket. Eloquently he rubbed his thumb and
forefingers together, glanced at the clerk and
winked.
Aha.
The next day I showed up to collect my
mail and pushed a 50 peseta coin across the
counter ahead of my request. The clerk
picked up the coin, disappeared into the back
room and returned with a bushel-basket of
mail that had "just come in."
For a hundred pesetas he'd probably have
delivered it to my door.
It doesn't always have to money that
changes hands either. North American
soldiers serving in the Korean War crossed a
lot of palms with Chiclets. Little Canadian
flag lapel pins will open a lot of doors in
power of being in the White House and want
to go back for another four years even
though their first term of office has been
anything but exemplary. Much as I admire
Hillary, I have always thought that she
should write a book to explain how to make
money fast.
I assume that she did not have any inside
information when she made her bundle. She
might be able to equal Dave Chilton's "The
Wealthy Barber." You did know that it was a
Canadian who wrote this book and is making
a pile of money from it being a best seller in
the States.
I am sorry that Hillary's plan for a national
health program fell flat on its face. She
really did a good job, but it all goes to show
you how difficult it is to keep all the factions
happy. We, like all the other industrialized
nations, do not have enough money to run
our program the way we have in the past and
you should hear the wailing and gnashing of
teeth. You would think that we had just
robbed our kids' piggy banks.
If you do get back in, and your chances
look good, you are going to find out how
hard it is to cut back when it comes to
making those painful decisions that were
politically too contentious during an
election. Helmut Kohl should be able to give
you some advice on the matter.
Frankly Bill, your boys talk a good game
when it comes to lauding the benefits of
such things as free trade, but in case the CIA
hasn't told you yet, everybody is talking
about the Americans "me-first" attitude
everytime that some industry thinks it is
being had.
Asia. If in doubt, stuff a couple of cartons of
cigarettes in your luggage and watch how
swiftly things get done overseas when
accompanied by a package of Marlboros.
There's a protocol that goes with handing
out bribes. It's important that you do it
frankly and openly, not like some drug
dealer palming a vial of crack. Remember
that in other cultures there is nothing
shameful about the bribe. It's actually a kind
of compliment — an "appreciation" for
services rendered.
Would it work in Canada? Hey, it already
does. You tip your bartender don't you? And
the pizza delivery guy. And what is the GST
if not a bribe — albeit involuntary — designed
to swell the coffers of Ottawa.
But that's extortion on a grand scale. The
bribery I'm talking about it is not nearly so
"gouge-y". I'm talking about voluntary
donations to the government clerk, the hotel
chambermaid, the security guard and yes,
even the cop on the street — any of the
myriad functionaries you run up against
every day who can make your voyage
through life stormy or smooth, depending on
their attitude.
Come on, Canada — bribe somebody
today! The gravy train is leaving the station
and if we want to be on board it's time to dig
into our change pockets.
(Which reminds me, Mister Editor, if you
could see your way to give this column a
prominent position on page 5, you'll find a
"charitable donation" in your In Basket
tonight.)
Can you explain to them nicely that there
are some things that we Canadians do better
than your boys and we expect to sell these
things in the U.S. Isn't that what NAFTA is
all about? It gets a bit tiresome to watch your
people swing from "We're No. 1" to
consumate cry-babies. Can you work on that
a bit?
While I am on the subject, you should
know that the "Ugly American" is alive and
well. The latest to demonstrate this
characteristic is the TV announcer who
pushed the CBC's Ron MacLean aside in
order to be the first one to interview
Donovan Bailey. Ron was very diplomatic
about it; Don Cherry would have kneed him
in the groin.
I am, however, glad that one American TV
announcer admitted that there were, it
seemed, other people competing at the
Olympic Games besides the Americans.
However, we'll try to be nice to your
people as they come north, attracted by a
low Canadian dollar. I apologize for that
unfortunate incident with the boat at
Ipperwash. It seems that some of our native
boys have a big chip on their shoulder. It is a
deplorable situation since they seem to get
away with everything short of murder, but
we don't like it very much either.
Governments move slowly on both sides of
the border.
Please feel free to contact me at any time
for objective observations. We feel that we
know Americans better than anybc1cly else
an it must be nice for you to know that the
advice is coming from someone who lives in
Continued on page 13
The
Short
of it
By Bonnie Gropp
It's just respect
It's really just a question of respect.
You know when you think about it there
aren't many things we can do for each other.
Respect for the feelings of another human
being is probably one of the easiest and the
most generous we can extend. Unfortunately
there are statuses in society where the simple
rules of thoughtfulness for another's feelings,
under the wrong heel, get crushed by the
control of a hiearchy. The guy at the top
truly believes the lowly under him are
beneath him. A rich person derides a poor
one and the diplomat becomes a dictator.
Parents, too, can often get caught up in
the power. Once we've stated our case and
laid down the law, providing sound reasons
for what we've decided is not always
something we see as either a priority or a
necessity. However, in the years that I've
been raising children I am reluctantly
coming to a revelation; though I may still be
the final word, it really doesn't kill me from
time to time to tell them why things are the
way they're going to be. They may still not
like the medicine, but it's a little harder to
swallow.
For example, my daughter and I were
gearing up for battle recently over what she
views as some of my stringent rules. As the
steam rolling from her ears increased with
everyone of my "Because I said so's," , I
realized that it was not so much the rule, but
my lack of a fair and logical reason that
irked her. I had been so caught up in the 'I
know what's best attitude' that I neglected to
give her the courtesy of believing that, given
the facts, she could accept the inevitable.
After: I got things back on track, presented
the realities as I saw them, then listened to
her side of the debate, though the outcome
remained the same she was more accepting
of my grounds. And I in turn, gained some
perceptions I had previously been missing.
That 'I'm listening' attitude seems to be
lost from government officials lately. What
we want seems to be less a consideration
than what we're going to get. The closing of
the Health Unit's branch office in Brussels
appears to be just one more example of
government making decisions for our good
with no sensible explanation due.
Having met with representatives from the
county in January, members of the
community asked only to be contacted prior
to any decision being reached. The reason,
they said, was just to hear the common sense
behind the decision. If it would save money
then obviously it would have to be done.If
not, why bother? And after all, considering
who actually pays whom in this scenario, it
seems a fair request really.
They never got the chance, however.
Notification was sent last week that the
office is closing. While they intend to tell
Brussels council of the decision it is a fait
accompli. The reason given me when I asked
was not about dollars but about "the best
way to deploy staff', to meet the changes in
health care while effectively providing
service. Hmmm... close the office for
effective service...
For a great number of people these offices
have been, if not a lifeline, than a helping
hand. To have had it extended, then
withdrawn, or better yet, yanked, with no
concrete proof of any benefit from the move
seems unfair.
When times arc tough there are sacrifices
to be made, but when you continue to ask a
lot from people it is only human to do it with
some respect for them. Especially when the
power you have is being paid for by them.
Arthur Black