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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 1996-05-01, Page 5THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, MAY 1, 1996 PAGE 5. Your microphone is open!!! I was just remembering with a wince, my most embarrassing moment on the job. This would be nearly 20 years ago. I was a humble announcer-operator at a humble radio station in Thunder Bay, Ontario. Which is to say, I read the weather, punched up the station breaks, cued up records and gossiped with the guys from the news department. Once you learn the basics it's a job that an average chimpanzee could hold down, which leads to boredom. Which leads to distractions ... Which maybe explains why I was on the telephone in the control room, murmuring Sweet Nothings to my Inamorata one Friday evening. Well, why not? There was a long record playing - The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, I think .— news was a good 20 minutes away, everyone else had already gone home for the weekend ... And that's when the Code Red Phone rang. The Code Red Phone was a special line that got right through to the radio control room no matter what. We knew that the Code Red Phone never rang unless: a: The Russians had launched an all-out nuclear offensive. b: The dreaded Big One had finally struck, What they really meant I have always been intrigued by official statements put out by the higher echelons of government at the end of some conference or at a meeting of two or more heads of state. Having been at meetings of this sort I am always amazed at the use of words to describe a given situation. Just so you will have a better understanding of what really went on behind the scenes, here are some of the more frequently used expressions. "The discussions were both frank and useful." This means that each side came to the conclusion that the other was either stonewalling or was totally out of touch with reality. This looks after the word "useful." The "frank" part of the sentences simply means that each side told the other what a bunch of crap their ideas or suggestions really were. "The talks laid the groundwork for further mutually advantageous discussions." In reality the talks got nowhere, but at least each side knows now what to avoid in further discussions. That is, if there are any. "Their actions are a denial of the most fundamental of democratic principles." This swallowing California, Vancouver Island and possibly even Kamloops. c: Elvis had been found alive and well, in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, or d: The station manager desired to speak to you. Urgently. In my case, it was the station manager. He wasn't happy. He wasn't even coherent. But I finally managed to decipher the message he wanted to convey. It was: YOUR MICROPHONE IS OPEN!!!! Telling a radio broadcaster his mike is open is very much like telling a normal guy his fly is open. It means the same thing. You are exposed. Perfect strangers are learning all kinds of things about you that you really don't want them to know. In my case, the entire world was learning what kind of idiotic things I cooed in my partner's ear when the lights were low. Fortunately for me, the only listener my program had was the station manager. Other broadcasters have been less lucky. Such as the poor sap who got to interview the famous actor Walter Pidgeon, on live radio. His opening line: "Mister privilege, it is indeed a pigeon." Harry Von Zell was a famous American radio announcer whose career spanned several decades — amazing when you consider that early on, Von Zell told the nation on live radio: "And now, the president of the United States, Mister Hoobert Heever." We've had our screw ups this side of the border as well. I can still hear the CBC announcer in Ottawa introducing a new member of the Trudeau cabinet as "The is one side telling the other that they are not playing the game the way it thinks they should. I never cease to be surprised at the way the word "Democracy" gets bandied about. It has about the same level of objectivity that the word "fair" has. "Such and such a person has been a strong force in the cause of world peace." This usually boils down to the fact that the speaker cannot think of much good to say about the person; his numerous political gaffes and blunders have to be overlooked so let's just say that he is a positive factor in the struggle for world peace. By now I think you get the point. Don't forget that even in the time that I have been active as a journalist, just about every country has been both an ally and enemy of every other country. During the cold war there was simply nothing good that could be said about Russia. Godless communism was hateful to all democrats everywhere. When I went off to the land of godless communism and reported that there were kind people there, that all those I met did not necessarily agree with their leaders' policies or even communism for that matter, I was duly attacked by some who could see the sinister hand of the Kremlin in everything nice I said about the Russian people. One writer in Kitchener said that I was, in fact, "lackey of the Kremlin." My kind words about individual Russians were meant to lull us into a false sense of security so that, when the Russians did choose to attack, we would be pushovers. One expression which I particularly Minister for Wealth and Hellfire". I actually have on tape a radio guy in Montreal crooning "remember ... at Pharmusave, we fill your prescriptions with scare and kill..." And who can forget the network news announcer who once signed off across the nation with the intonation: "This...is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration." The worst blooper I ever heard of happened to a skinny young kid on his first job at a tiny radio station in Texas about 30 years ago. Part of his job involved actually throwing the switch to put the station on the air at 6 a.m. each morning. Wasn't a big deal — the first half hour was a recorded sermon by a travelling preacher, who happened to be a favourite of the station owner. All the kid had to do was put the record on, then head down to the local burger joint to grab a fast-food breakfast. He always had time to scoff down his chow and get back before the record ended. Almost always. There was the morning that the record ... got stuck. The skinny kid got back to the station just in time to hear the radio saying "GO TO HELL. GO TO HELL. GO TO HELL." Apparently the station had been broadcasting the same phrase for at least 20 minutes. The bad news: the skinny kid was fired from his job. The good news: his name happened to be Dan Rather. So things turned out pretty good in the end. deplore is "banana republic," as in, "If we do not take steps immediately, we are going to become nothing more than a banana republic." At no time is this banana republic named so we are left to guess which country we are in danger of becoming. Why is growing bananas so bad, especially in a republic? The United States is a republic and, if the Americans ever got around to growing bananas, would they not qualify as a good example of such a republic? Why, too, is it necessary to "take steps immediately?" That is the last thing most governments like to do; they might discover later that it meant losing some votes and that would never do. At least we do not have to hear with monotonous regularity the expression "freedom loving people." I suppose you might call the separatists of Quebec by that name, at least I have the impression that they would like you to do so but be careful, this came from the communist world; it meant any country whose people showed any displeasure whatsoever with their government. I cannot conclude without mentioning the use of the world "fluid." This means in the vast majority of cases that nobody has any idea of what is really going on especially if it is likely to lead to some bad or very bad news. If the contrary is true, the use of the word fluid is considered to be a ploy so as not to let the other side have any inkling of the brilliant move about to unfold. No wonder people are confused sometimes. The Short of it By Bonnie Gropp Oh, to laugh Soinebody grinned and that started a smile Somebody chuckled and after awhile All of us started to laugh with a shout But nobody knew what the joke was about. — Unknown Laughter is good stuff. I remember as a youngster, I believe it was in the fourth grade, that we learned this song in music class. The final verse is chuckled rather than sung, which by its end was usually genuine as, "Laughter's like measels it's often been said. Let somebody catch it and just watch it spread." A hearty laugh will burn calories and relieve stress. Being a happy person will bring you friends and add years to your life. A sense of humour can put things into perspective and make it easier to not sweat the little things. And these days we can all use that. I am a patient woman, but as the snow fell last Friday, my temperature was definitely rising. I have accepted that which I cannot change, but my mood as I headed home to begin another weekend of cold and damp, felt equally as dreary. However, being a big girl now, fully aware that life could bring me worse crises, I conquered my frustration the best way I know — with hard work and laughter. After supper Friday evening I strove to inspire Mother Nature by initiating a little 'spring' cleaning. Then with chores behind me on Saturday morning, and some sunshine on top of that, I was feeling carefree enough to spend a 'wasted' day with family. It was an occasion with its share of silliness and fun that is quite simply good for the soul. On Sunday some in-laws came to visit, which resulted in more amusement albeit of a moderately different form. Finding the fun in life, after all, can be discovered in many different ways. While some spirited souls enjoy a chuckle at just about everything, for others their laugh is a reward; given sparingly and only when they deem it worthy. For the former there is humour in the cornball, in the ridiculous, the ludicrous, the absurd and the unbelievable. The latter is selective, their glee less forthcoming. When it comes to humour, they have standards. Personally, I rather envy those people, whose hearty laughter wells and bubbles in them with the unrestrained spontaniety of an infant delighting in a newfound pleasure. My inhibitions preclude such open enjoyment. Also, while I may enjoy a giggle over some silliness, it takes something pretty darn funny to bring on the guffaws. Fortunately for me I reside with some fairly bizarre individuals who cause this on a regular basis. We need laughter and when we consider the sadness in this world it's little wonder that we seek it out. Babies died in Oklahoma and Dunblane. A madman killed a group of tourists in Australia. A little girl named Sarah, lived a brief painful existence on this earth. She weighed 10 pounds, she was six months old and her parents stand trial for her murder. We live in a system that allows the likes of Karla Holmoka to celebrate her birthday with a party in prison, while her innocent teenage victims will never see another. I believe my sister summed it up rather well. "I think I would die if I didn't laugh." Wouldn't we all? Gratefully, we resilient humans never allow that to be an option. Arthur Black International Scene By Raymond Canon