HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 1996-05-01, Page 5THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, MAY 1, 1996 PAGE 5.
Your microphone
is open!!!
I was just remembering with a wince, my
most embarrassing moment on the job.
This would be nearly 20 years ago. I was a
humble announcer-operator at a humble
radio station in Thunder Bay, Ontario.
Which is to say, I read the weather, punched
up the station breaks, cued up records and
gossiped with the guys from the news
department.
Once you learn the basics it's a job that an
average chimpanzee could hold down, which
leads to boredom. Which leads to
distractions ...
Which maybe explains why I was on the
telephone in the control room, murmuring
Sweet Nothings to my Inamorata one Friday
evening. Well, why not? There was a long
record playing - The Wreck of the Edmund
Fitzgerald, I think .— news was a good 20
minutes away, everyone else had already
gone home for the weekend ...
And that's when the Code Red Phone rang.
The Code Red Phone was a special line
that got right through to the radio control
room no matter what. We knew that the
Code Red Phone never rang unless:
a: The Russians had launched an all-out
nuclear offensive.
b: The dreaded Big One had finally struck,
What they
really meant
I have always been intrigued by official
statements put out by the higher echelons of
government at the end of some conference or
at a meeting of two or more heads of state.
Having been at meetings of this sort I am
always amazed at the use of words to
describe a given situation.
Just so you will have a better
understanding of what really went on behind
the scenes, here are some of the more
frequently used expressions.
"The discussions were both frank and
useful." This means that each side came to
the conclusion that the other was either
stonewalling or was totally out of touch with
reality.
This looks after the word "useful." The
"frank" part of the sentences simply means
that each side told the other what a bunch of
crap their ideas or suggestions really were.
"The talks laid the groundwork for further
mutually advantageous discussions." In
reality the talks got nowhere, but at least
each side knows now what to avoid in
further discussions. That is, if there are any.
"Their actions are a denial of the most
fundamental of democratic principles." This
swallowing California, Vancouver Island
and possibly even Kamloops.
c: Elvis had been found alive and well, in
Oshkosh, Wisconsin, or
d: The station manager desired to speak to
you. Urgently.
In my case, it was the station manager. He
wasn't happy. He wasn't even coherent. But I
finally managed to decipher the message he
wanted to convey. It was:
YOUR MICROPHONE IS OPEN!!!!
Telling a radio broadcaster his mike is
open is very much like telling a normal guy
his fly is open. It means the same thing. You
are exposed. Perfect strangers are learning
all kinds of things about you that you really
don't want them to know.
In my case, the entire world was learning
what kind of idiotic things I cooed in my
partner's ear when the lights were low.
Fortunately for me, the only listener my
program had was the station manager. Other
broadcasters have been less lucky. Such as
the poor sap who got to interview the
famous actor Walter Pidgeon, on live radio.
His opening line: "Mister privilege, it is
indeed a pigeon."
Harry Von Zell was a famous American
radio announcer whose career spanned
several decades — amazing when you
consider that early on, Von Zell told the
nation on live radio: "And now, the president
of the United States, Mister Hoobert
Heever."
We've had our screw ups this side of the
border as well. I can still hear the CBC
announcer in Ottawa introducing a new
member of the Trudeau cabinet as "The
is one side telling the other that they are not
playing the game the way it thinks they
should. I never cease to be surprised at the
way the word "Democracy" gets bandied
about. It has about the same level of
objectivity that the word "fair" has.
"Such and such a person has been a strong
force in the cause of world peace." This
usually boils down to the fact that the
speaker cannot think of much good to say
about the person; his numerous political
gaffes and blunders have to be overlooked so
let's just say that he is a positive factor in the
struggle for world peace.
By now I think you get the point. Don't
forget that even in the time that I have been
active as a journalist, just about every
country has been both an ally and enemy of
every other country. During the cold war
there was simply nothing good that could be
said about Russia. Godless communism was
hateful to all democrats everywhere.
When I went off to the land of godless
communism and reported that there were
kind people there, that all those I met did not
necessarily agree with their leaders' policies
or even communism for that matter, I was
duly attacked by some who could see the
sinister hand of the Kremlin in everything
nice I said about the Russian people. One
writer in Kitchener said that I was, in fact,
"lackey of the Kremlin." My kind words
about individual Russians were meant to lull
us into a false sense of security so that, when
the Russians did choose to attack, we would
be pushovers.
One expression which I particularly
Minister for Wealth and Hellfire".
I actually have on tape a radio guy in
Montreal crooning "remember ... at
Pharmusave, we fill your prescriptions with
scare and kill..."
And who can forget the network news
announcer who once signed off across the
nation with the intonation:
"This...is the Canadian Broadcorping
Castration."
The worst blooper I ever heard of
happened to a skinny young kid on his first
job at a tiny radio station in Texas about 30
years ago. Part of his job involved actually
throwing the switch to put the station on the
air at 6 a.m. each morning.
Wasn't a big deal — the first half hour was
a recorded sermon by a travelling preacher,
who happened to be a favourite of the station
owner. All the kid had to do was put the
record on, then head down to the local
burger joint to grab a fast-food breakfast. He
always had time to scoff down his chow and
get back before the record ended.
Almost always. There was the morning
that the record ... got stuck.
The skinny kid got back to the station just
in time to hear the radio saying
"GO TO HELL. GO TO HELL. GO
TO HELL."
Apparently the station had been
broadcasting the same phrase for at least 20
minutes.
The bad news: the skinny kid was fired
from his job.
The good news: his name happened to be
Dan Rather. So things turned out pretty good
in the end.
deplore is "banana republic," as in, "If we do
not take steps immediately, we are going to
become nothing more than a banana
republic." At no time is this banana republic
named so we are left to guess which country
we are in danger of becoming.
Why is growing bananas so bad,
especially in a republic? The United States is
a republic and, if the Americans ever got
around to growing bananas, would they not
qualify as a good example of such a
republic?
Why, too, is it necessary to "take steps
immediately?" That is the last thing most
governments like to do; they might discover
later that it meant losing some votes and that
would never do.
At least we do not have to hear with
monotonous regularity the expression
"freedom loving people." I suppose you
might call the separatists of Quebec by that
name, at least I have the impression that they
would like you to do so but be careful, this
came from the communist world; it meant
any country whose people showed any
displeasure whatsoever with their
government.
I cannot conclude without mentioning the
use of the world "fluid." This means in the
vast majority of cases that nobody has any
idea of what is really going on especially if it
is likely to lead to some bad or very bad
news. If the contrary is true, the use of the
word fluid is considered to be a ploy so as
not to let the other side have any inkling of
the brilliant move about to unfold. No
wonder people are confused sometimes.
The
Short
of it
By Bonnie Gropp
Oh, to laugh
Soinebody grinned and that started a smile
Somebody chuckled and after awhile
All of us started to laugh with a shout
But nobody knew what the joke was about.
— Unknown
Laughter is good stuff. I remember as a
youngster, I believe it was in the fourth
grade, that we learned this song in music
class. The final verse is chuckled rather than
sung, which by its end was usually genuine
as, "Laughter's like measels it's often been
said. Let somebody catch it and just watch it
spread."
A hearty laugh will burn calories and
relieve stress. Being a happy person will
bring you friends and add years to your life.
A sense of humour can put things into
perspective and make it easier to not sweat
the little things.
And these days we can all use that.
I am a patient woman, but as the snow fell
last Friday, my temperature was definitely
rising. I have accepted that which I cannot
change, but my mood as I headed home to
begin another weekend of cold and damp,
felt equally as dreary.
However, being a big girl now, fully
aware that life could bring me worse crises, I
conquered my frustration the best way I
know — with hard work and laughter. After
supper Friday evening I strove to inspire
Mother Nature by initiating a little 'spring'
cleaning.
Then with chores behind me on Saturday
morning, and some sunshine on top of that, I
was feeling carefree enough to spend a
'wasted' day with family. It was an occasion
with its share of silliness and fun that is quite
simply good for the soul. On Sunday some
in-laws came to visit, which resulted in more
amusement albeit of a moderately different
form.
Finding the fun in life, after all, can be
discovered in many different ways. While
some spirited souls enjoy a chuckle at just
about everything, for others their laugh is a
reward; given sparingly and only when they
deem it worthy.
For the former there is humour in the
cornball, in the ridiculous, the ludicrous, the
absurd and the unbelievable. The latter is
selective, their glee less forthcoming. When
it comes to humour, they have standards.
Personally, I rather envy those people,
whose hearty laughter wells and bubbles in
them with the unrestrained spontaniety of an
infant delighting in a newfound pleasure. My
inhibitions preclude such open enjoyment.
Also, while I may enjoy a giggle over some
silliness, it takes something pretty darn
funny to bring on the guffaws. Fortunately
for me I reside with some fairly bizarre
individuals who cause this on a regular
basis.
We need laughter and when we consider
the sadness in this world it's little wonder
that we seek it out. Babies died in Oklahoma
and Dunblane. A madman killed a group of
tourists in Australia. A little girl named
Sarah, lived a brief painful existence on this
earth. She weighed 10 pounds, she was six
months old and her parents stand trial for her
murder. We live in a system that allows the
likes of Karla Holmoka to celebrate her
birthday with a party in prison, while her
innocent teenage victims will never see
another.
I believe my sister summed it up rather
well. "I think I would die if I didn't laugh."
Wouldn't we all? Gratefully, we resilient
humans never allow that to be an option.
Arthur Black
International Scene
By Raymond Canon