The Citizen, 1995-08-16, Page 5Arthur Black
THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 16, 1995. PAGE 5.
Golf, like Algebra,
designed
to drive you nuts
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you
play it, it's recreation. If you work at it,
it's golf
Bob Hope
Well, here we are moving into the shank
of the year ... spring is long gone, summer's
fading fast, autumn is all but upon us ...
And I have yet to make it out for a single
round of golf. Just like last year. And the 50
years before that. Hell, I'm moving into the
shank of my life and I have yet to play a
round of golf.
And how do I really feel about this
shocking recreational deprivation? Well, the
phrase Yippee! springs to mind.
Golf is a Scottish invention of course. It
belongs right up there with those other
famous Hibernian contributions to
civilization: haggis, the bagpipes, oatmeal
breakfast.
My ancestry is solid lowland Scot, but I do
not golf. Never took it up and don't care to
start. Got better things to do than try to
bludgeon a little white pill to death with a set
of customized fire pokers under the blazing
sun. Besides, I haven't got a pair of polyester
puce slacks to my name.
Do you remember
Qatar?
Hands up all those who can state what
connection Canada had with Qatar a few
short years ago. Hands up all those who
know where Qatar is!
Now that I have got that out of the way,
those who had the correct answer will have
informed the uninformed that Qatar was
where the Canadian Air Force was based
during the Gulf War in the early 1990s; we
used to see almost daily shots of the CF-18s
taking off on their way to the war zone or
landing after they had been there, fortunately
without losing a single plane during the
whole campaign.
Now and again a little information would
be released about Qatar in general or about
Doha, the capital, but I doubt that our
knowledge about the place was advanced
much by the media coverage.
At any rate a closer look at the map of this
small Middle East state will show that it
shares a border with Saudi Arabia and to a
very limited degree with the United Arab
Emirates. It has other things that it shares as
well, above all oil and the Muslim religion.
It is also ruled by a sheikh and practises a
very conservative brand of its religion.
However, it is not so conservative that it
cannot engage in a coup d'etat when it feels
like it. Unlike most such political actions,
this was very much a family affair with the
son overthrowing the father while the latter
was out of the country on affairs of state, or
so it was claimed. The father was not
It's not that I'm particularly lazy — or even
unsportsmanlike. I wouldn't take up Algebra,
either. And I sense that golf, like Algebra, is
designed to drive you nuts.
The very premise is nuts. You try to hit the
ball as few times as possible? As few times?
Why not leave the ball in your pocket, chalk
up a perfect game and save yourself the
grief?
Besides, I'm just not lucky enough to be a
decent golfer. Not like Peter Croke.
Did you year about this guy? He's a British
golfer who was playing in a match at the
Southemdow Golf Club in Wales. He hits a
drive from the 17th tee that hooks to the left
of the green and bounces into ... a sheep.
Specifically, the ball lodges under the tail
of the grazing sheep, which then meanders
30 yards closer to the 18th hole. At which
point the sheep gives a little shake and the
ball ... plops out on the green.
Nothing in the rules about assistance from
sheep. Golfer Croke plays the ball from its
new position and wins the match.
That is a true story. I'm not sure about the
following one, but it was told to me by a
buddy of mine who spends a lot of time
adding to his collection of drink coasters at
the 19th hole.
Seems that God was sitting around one
summer day at loose ends. He picks up the
phone and calls Moses.
"How about a game of golf?" asks God.
"You're on" says Moses.
An hour later they're teeing off at Celestial
y Hay11 o a
amused.
This is not the first time that a sheikh has
been turfed out by the son because of the
latter's belief that the father was a mite too
conservative for the country's good. It
happened not too long ago just down the
coast in Oman and it can be argued that the
country is a better place because of it. We
will, of course, have to await the verdict of
history before we know whether this will be
repeated in Qatar.
The inhabitants of Qatar seem to have
taken the coup in their stride. Only half of
them are citizens (shades of Kuwait) and
they have been well looked after by the
proverbial Middle East hand-outs as well as
a number of social services which can be
afforded due to the large oil revenues.
Not so happy are the rulers of Kuwait,
Saudi Arabia and the Emirates, all of them
ruled by sheikhs who would prefer not to
muddy the waters with such things as even a
modicum of democracy in spite of the any
promises which they may have made during
the Gulf War. They are concerned about the
son who was previously responsible for
much of the small sheikhdom's foreign and
military affairs, expanding on policies which
have already raised eyebrows a notch or two
in the other countries in the area.
He has, for example, not wasted any time
in attempting to develop trade with Israel, he
signed a defence agreement with the United
States which would, among other things, see
the U.S. station up to 2,000 troops there. Just
to balance things off a bit, he has even,
horror of horrors, made some friendly
gestures to, dare I say it, Iraq.
The countries I have mentioned were all
relatively quick off the mark to recognize
Downs Golf and Country Club.
Moses goes first. He sets up his ball, takes
a couple of practice swings, a deep breath,
settles in behind the ball and then...
CRAAAAAAAAAACK!
It's beauty. Two hundred and eighty,
maybe 300 yards straight down the fairway.
Moses is in good shape.
God steps up to the tee.
No practice swings, all kind of loosey-
goosey, he whangs the ball, which skitters
crazily across the grass, bounces off a tree
and caroms into a swamp deep in the rough.
But instead of sinking in the slime, the ball
bounces off a turtle shell, hits a log, pops
straight up about six feet, whereupon a huge
golden eagle swoops down and seizes the
ball in his talons.
God and Moses watch as the majestic bird
pumps its mighty wings up, up, until it's no
more than a dot in the sky. At this point the
eagle drops the ball, which falls straight
down in the dead centre of a lake right
beside the second green.
Just as the ball is about to splash into the
lake, a huge cohoe salmon rises to the
surface, flips on its side, catches the golf ball
in the fleshy meat just above the pectoral fin,
lets the ball slide down towards its tail, then
flips the ball in a graceful arc onto the green
where it dribbles into the cup.
A hole in one.
Moses turns to God and says "We gonna
play some golf today or are you just gonna
fool around?"
diplomatically the new ruler of Qatar but
what else could they do. It is not as if some
accursed infidel came in and took over the
reins of the country's government. Since the
families of sheikhs tend to intermarry, he is
probably related in some way to most of the
other rulers and antagonizing him might well
set him off in other dangerous directions.
Among these might well be some form of
direct democracy, even if only in a limited
form.
New ideas are not what the vast majority
of the sheikhs want. They are trying to make
do with the ones they have now, even if it is
becoming harder and harder to do so.
How do you close a border to fresh
thinking?
Letter to the editor
Continued from page 4
for Legal Aid can select the lawyer of
choice, is desirable and the Attorney
General's support for it is welcome. We
recognize that some services Legal Aid now
covers have to be adjusted and some users of
Legal Aid could find the resources to obtain
legal services without government
assistance.
However, in the interests of access to
justice for all Ontarians, funding for Legal
Aid must be maintained at reasonable levels
and the government should "bite the bullet"
on the current shortfall. If people of modest
means cannot afford legal services, our most
important democratic institutions suffer.
Yours very truly,
Igor Ellyn, Q.C.
President
Canadian Bar Association-Ontario.
The
Short
of it
By Bonnie Gropp
Give us a break
Everybody needs to take a break. This is
why the summer holiday came to be.
Going on vacation every summer for my
mom and dad was a yearly highlight.
Owning his own business, Dad found the
best, and only way, he could feel
comfortable about getting away from things
was to shut the door on them. So every year,
he closed up shop and set off for our
interlude, carefree and exuberant.
My Dad was a busy man. He worked from
7:30 a.m. until 11 at night every day of the
week, eight hours on Saturday, 51 weeks of
the year. He was on call 24 hours a day,
seven days a week. My mom, as all women,
did her share as an equal partner. There was
no question that they had every right to a
week of uninterrupted leisure. They had
worked hard for it and deserved it.
These days the world seems to be moving
at such a hectic pace that the summer
vacation takes on a whole new meaning.
Where once it was de rigeour, a summertime
ritual that was not just an accepted, but an
expected, part of the year, today it can seem
a lifeline to sanity, the calm centre in a
yearly hurricane of activity.
Using my job as an example, because
obviously it's the one of which I can speak
with some expertise, days at work can be
both mentally and physically challenging.
As it is with other occupations, I am not in a
structured 9-5 career. There are meetings
that take me away from my family in the
evenings, and other people's events that I am
occupied with some weekends.
The job I do is a people-oriented one. I am
blessed with opportunities to meet many
special, talented individuals and I work in a
team environment. Though I am shy, I like
to be approachable and when a reasonable
situation is presented I try my best to be co-
operative.
Like most other working stiffs, I generally
enjoy my job, but when it's time for a
holiday I am anxious to take it, excited to be
away from the stress and pressure of weekly
deadline and eager to be with my family. My
immediate move is to get out of town —
fast.
Unfortunately, I wasn't fast enough this
time, as, on the very first day of my
holidays, I was tracked down and ambushed.
An individual, who first contacted my
employers at their home and was told by
them that I was out of town on holidays and
couldn't be reached, proceeded to look me
up in the book and phone my home anyway.
(I would be honest here and tell you this call
couldn't have waited until my return if that
were true, but this is most definitely not the
case.)
My intrusive caller is, I'm sure, no ogre
but someone I would be pleased to have
spoken with at any other time. Consideration
for my feelings and those of my employer
was not a priority here, however.
I remember a local merchant telling me
that people often ask him to open on
Sundays because they forgot something.
After all, what's it hurt? He was home
anyway.
The time people have these days to relax
and enjoy family is precious and to
knowingly interrupt that is insensitive,
selfish and thoughtless.
Come on folks, when it comes to time off,
let's give each other a break.
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