HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 1995-03-15, Page 5Arthur Black
International Scene
ymond Canon
THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15, 1995. PAGE 5.
Not tonight, dear
I have a
penthouse
I am a Radio Person. Every week I put on
my cleanest T-shirt, stumble down to my
radio studio and babble for an hour and a
half in between spinning discs. Allow me to
enumerate some of the great benefits of
being a Radio Person.
1: You don't have to dress up. I mean...
look at this T-shirt.
2: You don't need a strong back. Even
your heaviest script couldn't weigh in at
more than one, one and a half kilos, tops.
3: It's not a dangerous job. What are the
hazards? Microphonelash? Scriptburn?
4: Your mother won't give you a hard time
about being a Radio Person. True, she'd
rather you had a trade, like plumbing or
beating up Somalis, but at least you're warm
and dry. And you're not consorting with
those brazen TV hussys.
5: It's a job. Moms forgive anything that
yields a regular paycheque.
There are innumerable benefits in being a
Radio Person, but there are hazards too.
More to the point, there is one hazard.
The Blooper.
The wild west
and Germany
When I was going to school in Germany
after the end of World War II, I was
frequently asked questions about the Indians
in Canada.
What were they like? Did they actually
speak the way they were presented in the
movies? Did they live in wigwams...the
questions were endless.
I must confess that I didn't really know a
great deal about them at that time but I tried
to answer the questions as best I could.
However, I couldn't help but wonder just
where this interest in Indians originated. It
was a parent of one of my German student
friends who finally gave me the answer. It
seems that early in the century a German
writer, Karl May, had portrayed in his
writings an idealized vision of Indian life in
Canada and, much to his surprise and to that
of many others, it would seem, the stories
caught the public's fancy.
Nor was there any lack of material. May
wrote over 60 stories about the cowboy hero
Old Shatterhand and his trusty Indian helper,
Winnetou (shades of Tonto!). It didn't matter
that May had never been to Canada or even
that he wrote many of these 60 stories while
in jail; he became the rage in German
reading circles and the sagas have been
handed down, as it were, from generation to
generation. If my friends were interested in
them, their children certainly arc too and for
many of them they currently have the
opportunity of a lifetime to relive the Karl
May sagas.
Would-be German cowboys and Indians
are corning to Western Canada in droves to
book holidays on ranches in the prairie
provinces. On these ranches these tourists
Bloopers are to Kaoto Persons wnat motes
is to foxes; Parizeau is to Chretien and
Roseanne is to good taste.
Bloopers are the Herpes of radio
broadcasting.
Worst blooper ever? Well, I'm certainly
glad that I'm not Harry Von Zell. Mister Von
Zell was a great American radio broadcaster.
Right up the time he had to introduce the
president of the United States, live on
national radio.
Von Zell intoned sonorously: "Ladies and
gentlemen, may I present the president of
the United States, Mister Hoobert Heever."
Mery Griffin, the game show host, once
all but scuppered his TV career by beginning
an Exlax-sponsored show with the
introduction "Well, we're off and running..."
Canadian radio types seem to have a
curious affinity for the blooper. I remember
listening, slack-jawed, to the CBC
announcer who encouraged his listeners to
"stay stewed for the nudes".
Then there was the Ottawa correspondent
who attributed a rumoured Cabinet shuffle to
"high Parliament Hill souses".
And the CBC news reader (alas, no longer
with us) who signed off for the night, saying
"THIS...IS THE CANADIAN BROAD-
CORPING CASTRATION!"
I always wondered where the Blooper
came from. And thanks to a writer named
Richard Lederer, I finally have the answer.
Lederer is the author of a number of books
— his latest is called Classroom Classics —
More Anguished English. It's a compilation
are able to fit themselves out in authentic
cowboy gear to ride the range. They learn
how to rope cattle, fire a few rounds with a
six-shooter, attend rodeos and see all the
moose, buffalo and deer roaming free on the
ranges.
If the Indian lifestyle tickles your fancy
more, there is something for everybody.
Some of the Indian reserves out west have
recreated typical villages where the tourists
can relive Indian culture. One of the most
successful ones is to be found at the Piapot
Reserve near Regina. Visitors from Europe
are able to dress in buckskins and feathers,
live in teepees, learn to skin muskrats, take
part in pow-wows and ceremonials.
Who knows? Someday, on one of my trips
back to Germany, I may see Germans greet
each other on the street by a raised hand and
the traditional "How!" (For German speakers
the Hollywood dubbed in version is "Wie
geht's?".)
If you think that this is far fetched, let me
tell you that there are no less than close to a
100,000 Germans who are members of 850
Indian clubs; many of these members have
adopted Indian names and get together for
periodical pow-wows. Instructions are to be
found in "The Handbook for Indians".
One such pow-wow drew more than 6,000
participants. With interest at such a high
pitch and the German mark at an all-time
high against the Canadian dollar, we should
expect tosee many more visitors.
While tourist officials in western Canada
are undoubtedly happy about all the money
coming in from would-be cowboys; some
other Canadians are not so happy. More
affluent Germans are buying up property
along lakes, in the wilderness and ranches in
general and, if there is any development
going on it looks more like the typical
German spread in the Alps than it does the
wild west of Canada.
One rather unique outcome of all this is
of linguistic bloopers committed by students
at the junior high, high school and college
levels.
And it proves conclusively that Bloopers
have their roots in our school system.
For instance, the science student who
wrote on an exam:,"when you smell an
odourless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide."
Or the student who advised: "There are
three kinds of blood vessels: arteries, vanes
and caterpillars."
Or the astronomical jade who observed:
"The moon is a planet just like the earth,
only deader."
And how about the biology student who
asserted: "The body consists of three parts —
the brainium, the borax and the abominable
cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the
borax contains the heart and lungs and the
abominable cavity contains the vowels, of
which there are five — a, e, i, o and u."
Just think...that student might be doing
your hernia operation next spring.
And judging from Lederer's book, I don't
think students are as sexually sophisticated
as we've been led to believe.
Witness the agricultural scholar who
wrote: "artificial insemination is when the
farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
Or the undergraduate who opined: "to
prevent conception, always wear
condominium."
Which I suppose could only lead to the
ultimate sexual avoidance excuse:
"Not tonight dear. I have a penthouse."
that it is resented as much, if not more, by
other Germans who have come over here to
take part in the real thing, not witness the
growth of yet another "little Germany."
Perhaps in time the German purists and
the Canadians will be able to bring the "spit
and polish" Germans around to a more
relaxed way of life. In the meantime Karl
May is alive and well in Germany and
Canada is benefitting from it.
Writers don't
want to see
relationship hurt
Continued from page 4
McCaffrey) and Blyth Village Reeve (Dave
Lee) and Memorial Hall Board members
(Councillors Shirley Fyfe and Eugene
Coburn), the matter of the outstanding
$6,000 was discussed. The Festival
representatives were to review their files for
clarification and arrange a further meeting.
No reply was received from the Festival
representatives.
Village Council and the Festival have
worked together during the past 20 years to
everyone's mutual satisfaction and benefit. It
would be a shame to see this relationship
damaged.
Shirley Fyfe
E. D. Coburn
David Lee.
THE EDITOR,
I would like to extend an invitation to
some of your readers who arc Port Credit
High/ Secondary School alumni. On May 4-
6 we are celebrating our 75th reunion. Many
activities have been planned to ensure that
registration packages are still available from:
PCSS Reunion, 70 Mineola Rd. East,
Mississauga, On. L5G 2E5. Telephone: 905-
278-3594, Fax: 905-278-8936.
Thank you,
FeterToller
Co-chair.
The
Short
of it
By Bonnie Gropp
For the kids' sakes
listen to the experts
When making a decision that Vvill affect
the future of another person, I have always
been more comfortable leaving it to the
experts.
For example, having once been a child I
often presume to know what they feel and
what is best for them all the time.
Unfortunately, experience has shown me
that I can learn a lot about growing up and
being a kid from a kid.
Last year the provincial government,
presumably after doing some homework,
made the move to destreaming in the
secondary schools. While once Grade 8
pupils were asked to consider what direction
they wanted their future to take by choosing
advanced, general and basic levels of
education for Grade 9, it was felt that this
added too much pressure to what is already a
transition year.
While I don't think anyone would disagree
that it would be better if these choices could
be made less stressful for young students,
few educators spoke favourably with regards
to destreaming. Now after its first year in
the works the voices have become a little
more vehement on the subject.
Last week Ontario Secondary School
Teachers' Federation President Liz Barkley
announced that a 3,000 teacher survey on
destreaming had just been released. The
results were overwhelming opposition.
"Three thousand of our members have told
us that destreaming is a disaster.
Destreaming is hurting, not helping, students
across Ontario," she said.
When discussions regarding destreaming
were just getting started, I was regularly
covering the board of education meetings
where I occasionally overheard trustees
express their opposition towards the move,
some diplomatically, some more
dramatically.
Recently, while attending an information
night at a local secondary school which my
daughter will be attending this fall, a teacher
remarked in answer to a parent's question
regarding destreaming that he did have a
concern for the students who are
academically challenged, while another
teacher was quick to point out that
destreaming was not what the educators
wanted.
While I must assume that these feelings
from the experts in the field were presented
to the bureaucrats at Queen's Park when the
topic of change first came up, I must then
also assume that, they, in turn and with
arrogant omnipotence, chose to ignore the
advice.
Personally, I couldn't understand what
they hoped the benefits would be and how
they could believe that destreaming wouldn't
result in bored or frustrated students. What
would have made me secure would have
been to hear those who teach the students
tell me it was a good thing. Maybe I've been
in all the wrong places, but that's yet to
happen.
Generally people working in or around a
situation on a day to day basis have a greater
understanding of what it takes to improve
upon it, than those who sit and make
decisions from above. Members of the
OSSTF arc now asking government to co-
operate with them in "reforming and
renewing education."
It takes a big person to admit they've made
a mistake. If the experts are right, for the
sake of our children I hope the government
has it in them.