HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 1993-03-31, Page 5nternational Scene
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THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 1993. PAGE 5.
Here is
a tale of
tourist
trama
Do you have a travel horror story? Of
course you do. Travel these days is fraught
with gut-curdling terror, breath-taking
incompetence and soaring churlishness. Any
mortal who has passed through the bowels of
Pearson International airport, the front door
of the Buffalo Bus Terminal or the back seat
of a Montreal taxi has at least one travel
horror story.
You want to share your travel horror story
with the world? Get your own newspaper
column. This one's mine, and here is my tale
of tourist trauma.
It happened in the Bahamas. A large
national airline which shall remain nameless,
sent me two free airline tickets and a
reservation at a plush spa called ... I forget -
Paradise or Ambrosia or Nirvana or
something like that. "Go" they told me.
"Take your wife. Enjoy yourself. Write
something nice about it for our magazine."
Well, it sure sounded better than staying in
Canada, shovelling out my driveway. We
Foreign words
and how to
handle them
You are getting ready for your first big trip
abroad and are having a few qualms about
handling foreign expressions you hear or
read. Strange as it may seem, I, too, have
been in that position now and again; I can,
therefore, relate to your feelings. In order to
get you over the hump, I am going to tell
you a little bit about signs and expressions
you may meet. I should tell you right at the
beginning that I will give you a rough idea
of the meaning, not a precise translation but
it will be enough to get your through. Are
you ready?
Achtung!!! - This is a German word which
means you should really pay attention to
what follows. If uncertain about this, ask a
passerby to explain.
Stop! - This is a French word that means
"Stop."
Vietato - This is Italian for "Don't you a
dare do a this." as in "Vietato here l'aqua" or
"You won't drink the water here if you know
what is good for you."
Hoechstgeschwindigskeitsverbot - This is
a German word (yes, one word) which
means roughly that you can drive like a bat
out of hell on the highway but don't you go
my faster.
No U-All Turns - This is prevalent in the
southern USA which means that, if there is
more than one of you in a car, you can't turn
around on that road.
Nalyeva - If a Russian tells you this, he is
informing you that if you want something,
you can get it on the black market.
Blat - See number six. It's what you have
to have (connections) in order to get
something on the above black market.
W.C. - This 4 a short form for the English
dropped our mittens, threw a couple of tubes
of Coppertone in a bag and headed for the
airport.
I won't gross you out with all the details
but they included getting lost in Atlanta
airport, flying over the Bermuda Triangle in
a single engine plane with a pilot whose
breath smelled of aftershave, a hotel that had
never heard of me or the aforementioned
large national airline, a flat tire on the plane
taking us to Nassau, a taxi driver whose sole
acquaintance with English was the phrase
"No, mon.", a villa in the hills that featured
absolutely everything.
Except electricity.
The low point of the trip came when I
found myself negotiating through a closed
door with what I thought was an unusually
shrewish concierge.
"Do you have a reservation for Arthur
Black?" I asked the door. From the other
side came a cackling command "COME IN!
COME IN!"
"Ah, I can't come in, ma'am ... the door
appears to be locked. Do you ha.."
"COME IN! COME IN!"
This conversation went on for several
sweaty minutes until suddenly the concierge
squawked and I realized I'd been engaged in
conversation with a blue-fronted Amazon
parrot.
Back home, I write a true story about our
Bahamas vacation. The large national airline
declined to print it in their magazine. "We
"Water Closet", a term seen more often on
the continent than in Britain. It should not be
mistaken for "Westminster Cathedral." By
no means pronounce it English fashion; try
saying "vaysay."
Verboten - See number three. This is the
German word for "vietato" but said with
Teutonic firmness and authority. If you hear
or see "Strengstens verboten," don't even
think about doing it.
Pronto - This is what an Italian says when
he answers the phone. Just go ahead and say
what you wanted to say and, if there is a
silence at the other end, say, "Capito." This
may bring on a flood of Italian but at least
you have got his attention.
Tovarishch - If a Russian says that to you,
he is either putting you on or else he is
longing for the good old days when the
government looked after everything. It
means "Comrade."
Manana or mas tarde - This is a
Spaniard's way of getting rid of you. They
mean "tomorrow" or "later". How much
later is never made clear.
Trinkgeld/pourboire/propina/mancia -
These are all words for "tip" and, if they are
found on a bill, it means that the restaurant is
a charter member of the Order of the
Outstretched Palm - They don't trust you to
do the calculations since you may leave too
little.
Comment va Madamoiselle votre mere? -
You are being insulted by a Frenchman.
Ignore him.
Natakh - You have made a wrong term at
a warm hole and are talking to a Romulan.
Priere de ne pas pisser ici. - Priere is the
French word for prayer but here it has
absolutely nothing to do with religion. It is a
polite Gallic way of asking you not to do it.
Porca Miseria - Use this to relieve your
feelings when talking to an Italian without
running the risk of starting a revolution.
Defense de pisser. - See number sixteen.
If "Priere" does not get you to stop, this one
don't handle X-rated material" they
explained.
That's my travel horror story, but it's a
Disney cartoon next to Robert Banting's tale
of woe. Last year, Banting was rushing out
to catch a night flight from Toronto to
Montreal. His cab skidded off the exit ramp
and crashed. Emerging unhurt from the
wreckage, Banting fished out his bags and
hailed another cab which got him to the
airport just in time to coincide with a
phoned-in bomb threat for his flight. Several
hours of Mounties, rent-a-cops and cups of
bad coffee later, Banting was hustled onto
another plane. Then he was frog-marched off
the plane by security officers and taken to
his suitcase which a police dog was sniffing
suspiciously. "Open it." they commanded.
He did. The dog lunged for the roast beef
sandwich Banting had packed.
Banting got to his Montreal hotel just as
dawn was creeping across the sky. Naturally
his reservation had been cancelled. And of
course his luggage was by now on its way to
Halifax.
The good news is that Robert Banting's
trial by travel earned him this year's
Frankenstein Travel Award. It's a prize
given out annually by the Executive
Communications Group of New Jersey, for
the most horrendous travel story of the year.
They'd better mail the award to Banting.
He sure as hell won't fly to New Jersey to
pick it up.
should.
Hur star det till. - A Swede is asking you
how you are. It sounds like "Who stole the
till?"
Ja cie kocham - This is what you say in
Polish when you sneeze. Be careful where
you sneeze.
Ya, ibn kalb - You have been insulted by
Yasser Arafat or Saddam Hussein.
Hey, ya bloody Yank - You have been
mistaken for an American in London, Eng.
Fuku - No, a Japanese is not mad at you.
He is just telling you "Good luck."
Ich werde dafeur sorgen, dass Sie
erchossen sind - "You've had it" in German.
That will be $50 tax - You are clearing
customs on your return to Canada.
Well, there you are. Just take this list with
you and consult it as often as necessary. You
will be surprised how many international
incidents you are able to avoid. Don't get the
expressions mixed up or you may cause a
few incidents on your own. There is a bright
side to this latter possibility since we may be
forced to send some of our troops on a
peace-keeping mission to smooth things
over, thus creating employment. Bon
voyage!
Letter to the editor
Continued from page 4
humanistic philosophy, the motto of which
is, "Every day and in every way the world is
getting better and better?" Naziism and
Communism are the natural outworkings of
the humanistic/ atheistic philosophy, and,
while most of the world is rejecting these
systems of government, what enlightened
person will espouse the philosophy upon
which they are founded? Now, really!
Mr. Trollope should be very grateful the
world is not filled with humanists. Should it
ever be so, all hell would break loose; the
hell of hopelessness, heartlessness and
lawlessness that characterize the
totalitarianism of every nation where the
humanistic/atheistic philosophy prevails.
Jim Came, Pastor
The Missionary Church, Auburn.
The
Short
of it
By Bonnie Gropp
Bad news for
sun lovers
Interesting isn't it, how many people like
to be the first out of the gate when there's
bad news to deliver? There seems to be
some satisfaction in seeing the reaction to
life's dramas.
It's become a bit of an inside joke in our
family about how my mother doesn't seem to
have any good news to tell.
"Do you remember So and So, Bonnie?
Well her husband moved out of the house
and took everything."
"Didn't What's Her Name used to be a
school friend of yours? Well she's had a
nervous breakdown; they don't know if
she'll ever recover."
"You recall sweet little Joe Blow? They
arrested him last week for drug possession."
One such dramatic revelation from my
mom the other day prompted my daughter to
remark on how much her grandmother loves
to tell bad news. "So do you," she said, then
after a minute's thought added, "But then
again, so do I."
It got me thinking — yes, once again —
and I began to wonder if perhaps that's why I
do the job I do. While community news-
papers don't have as much negative news to
relate as the dailies, we do have our share of
less than happy stories to tell.
However, being a weekly paper in a close-
knit rural community means we are seldom
the first with the news. Word travels fast and
good or bad it's usually covered a large area
before publication. Our role tends to be more
that of 'verifier of the facts'.
Broadcast journalism is another story
altogether. Even the 'hot off the press' dailies
can't keep up with the hourly and sometimes
half-hourly news reports on radio. The
bottom line is that quite likely by the time
you read it in the paper you've heard it on
the radio several times.
Driving to work Monday, the morning
man on the radio had the pleasure of handing
down some unsettling news, particularly to
those of us who have waited for winter's
demise.
With the balmy temperatures of last
weekend and following the meteorologist's
promise of sunny skies for this week, the DJ
could hardly wait to say recent findings
regarding the depletion of the ozone layer
have increased the danger of UV rays by 25
per cent this year. Even in March, he said,
we should be protected by a sunblock.
Now, for me, at this point and on this day,
this was a bit of a "bummer". With the
notion that the door of winter could still
•blow open upon us, I was in no mood to hear
somebody rain on my springtime parade.
Soaking up the sun's rays, with its heat
soothing away the aches and pains of
winter's chill, used to be a harmless summer
pastime. Now, we do this at our own risk,
knowing that even with the protection of
sunscreen it could prove to be an exercise in
foolhardy hedonism.
I have resigned myself to never going
outside during what are (with the exception
of last year) the tropical months of June, July
and August without sunscreen. I even park
myself under a tree occasionally. But, being
told that exposure to the first warmth of the
year, after months of shivering under
blankets indoors, may be dangerous, was
almost more than I could bear. I envisioned
in the not too distant future, a not
implausible lifetime behind doors, hiding
from what was once the therapeutic
sunshine.
It's just too bad the DJ couldn't have had
the pleasure of seeing the reaction his news
induced because it might help to think
someone got some satisfaction from the
knowledge.
Arthur Black