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The Citizen, 1992-01-29, Page 5Arthur Black THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29,1992. PAGE 5. \ \ News that doesn 't really matter There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Hamlet, Act 1, Scene V Oh, Billy boy, thou shouldst be scribbling at this hour. Can you imagine what Shakespeare would do if he were alive in 1992? No need to rummage around in dusty historical tomes for tales of Danish, Scottish or Roman regicide. The late 20th century has enough simmering pots (and plots) to keep a Shakespeare writing with both hands around the, er, sundial. Think for a moment of events that transpired in the last year alone: A jerry-built false front saloon called Meech Lake collapsed in the dirt. And Canada shivered, fractured and threatened to fall apart. The Soviet Union did fall apart. What Ronald Reagan called the ‘Evil Empire’ disappeared as if by magic. Two philosophical talismans by the name of Marx and Lenin, whose brooding visages presided International Scene U.S. jets have been watching over us BY RAYMOND CANON Now that the cold war has come to an end and we no longer have to worry about a Soviet aerial attack on Canada and the United States from over the North Pole, it may come as something of a surprise to many people in southern Ontario to leam that all those years our closest protection was not the result of a squadron of Canadian jet fighters nearby; rather it was some American aircraft at the Air National Guard base just across the border at Mt. Clemens, a suburb of Detroit. The base, known as Selfridge Field, is without a doubt one of the oldest used by the American Air Force but all during the cold war it was the home of one or more fighter squadrons belonging to the Guard. Just so you don't think they were the only one, similar squadrons are to be found at Toledo, Pittsburg, Niagara Falls and Syracuse. Where is the closest fighter base of the Canadian Armed Forces? Would you believe in Bagotville, in the Lake St. Jean region of Quebec. The Air National Guard is a unique organization whose job is “to provide the United States Air Force with combat ready personnel and equipment for use during times of war or national emergency.” There over nearly a century of misery for hundreds of millions, went into the garbage chute of history. Then there was Desert Storm, the ‘Mother of All Wars’. It turned out to be shorter than the average Prairie blizzard. And who can forget... But enough. Let’s face it - if Shakespeare were alive today he probably would be living in a garret with quilted walls, chewing Valium like popcorn and prancing around in a dinner jacket that buttons up at the back. We’ve had too much history lately. A news overload. We need a break. Accordingly, as a public service I am pleased to offer up my brand new information service, INSIGNIFINEWS. A timely round-up of actual news stories from around the world that got passed over in the heat of the past few months. All items guaranteed 100 percent true ... and utterly inconsequential. Item One: Singapore bans chewing gun. It’s official. If you visit Singapore with a couple of packs of Trident in your pocket you better declare ‘em at the border. Otherwise you could find yourself spread- eagled on a Customs Shed floor with a gum­ sniffing German Shepherd standing on your sternum. The ban is a result of an eight-year study of “chewing gum pollution” by the Singapore government The study found that used chewing gum By Raymond Canon > is at least one base in every state and each one is commanded by a general who represents the Governor in each of the states, (not to mention Guam, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands). Their duties include fighting forest fires, undertaking air rescue operations, transporting military men to help in disaster relief operations anywhere in the world or to maintain order during periods of civil disturbance. With this wide mandate, it is not surprising that in short order over 3,000 men and women of the ANG volunteered for service in Operation Desert Shield in the Middle East. This is not as difficult as it sounds since much of the equipment that the Guard units fly is quite modem and thus capable of performing in contemporary battle scenarios. It was not always that way but over the past few years it has been the goal of the government to bring Guard units up to date as much as possible. We do not have anything in Canada resembling the Air National Guard; the closest thing that could be found in this country would be the reserve units. However, it is worth noting that, whatever our governments have been saying about the importance of military readiness, they have allowed the air force reserve units to diminish and deteriorate badly over the years until they are nothing more than a shadow Letter to the editor policy Letters to the editor must be signed and the name must also be clearly printed and the telephone number and address included. While letters may be printed under a pseudonym, we must be able to verify the identity of the writer. In addition, although the identity of the writer may be withheld in print, it may be revealed to parties directly involved on personal appearance at The Citizen's offices. “has caused train disruptions as it prevents train doors from closing”. Accordingly, anybody who knowingly imports chewing gum into Singapore faces a fine up to 10,000 Singapore dollars AND one year in Singapore jail. You don’t want to know what Singapore does to drunk drivers. ITEM TWO: In a display of UFO one- upmanship, Soviet UFOlogist Sergei Bulantsev asserts that extraterrestrials who visit (what used to be) the USSR are “better looking” than the non-earthlings that touch down in North America from time to time. I’d counter Mister Bulantsev’s claim with the old Western cliche that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Especially having seen some members of the USSR Womens' Swim Team. ITEM THREE: The 16th Annual Spamput Championship is over and the winner is ... Mark Carey, of Austin, Texas, who managed to hurl 12 gooey ounces of meat-like substance (Spam), an incredible 60 feet. Mark lost out. in the Spam-calling contest. That was won by a leather-lunged doctor from Dallas who hit 110 decibels with his tympanic-membrance shredding “HEEEEEEEERRE SPAMMY, SPAMMY, SPAMMY! Speaking of leather lungs, let me paraphrase old Owl-Eyes, Knowlton Nash, and say: “AND, THAT'S INSIGNIFINEWS. G'D NIGHT.” of their former size. For this reason, had we been forced to go to war during the decades of our confrontation with the Soviet Union, we would have found ourselves in an extremely precarious position and it is problematical whether we could have made anything but a token contribution. Judging from the handling of the Air National Guard, the Americans have taken exactly the opposite approach. Keeping these units at as high a state of readiness as is possible with part-time air crew, they are in a much better position to react in any emergency. You will have noticed that their mandate goes considerably beyond the strictly military aspects that the public normally thinks of and this is what gives greater validity to their existence. It also means that in a period of detente such as we currently enjoy, the Americans can demobilize a greater percentage of their regular units, knowing that they have something to fall back on. As we withdraw our NATO units from Europe, they will as often as not be disbanded with nothing to put in their place. I would like to think that Canadians and Americans too for that matter will never again have to go to war. However, that may be too much to hope for. In the meantime I applaud the existence of the Air National Guard over the years. The Short of it By Bonnie Gropp Kids under stress to do well these days \ ♦ Well, exams should be over for secondary school students - finally! With stormy weather causing exams to be rescheduled three different days over the last two weeks, the adrenaline has, for many young people, long since dissipated to be replaced by a "let's get this over with" attitude. Remembering the way I felt during examination time when I was in high school, I can't imagine a worse fate then to have it stretched out. With algebra hanging over my head for too long, I'd have been a wreck. Except for the brilliant few, exams are undeniably stressful. I remember agonizing for hours over my books, realizing eventually that I didn't have a clue how to study. It always came down to what I hadn't retained in the classroom, I wasn't going to have a hope of absorbing now. Math, as I hinted before, was a particular problem for me. Imagine sitting down to write an exam only to discover that it is written in a foreign language. With nails chewed and my stomach in knots I would sit down in the school gym with hundreds of other students, many of whom wore the same glassy-eyed expression I did. That was little comfort however, as with pounding heart, I picked up my pencil and read the first question, which I already knew would mean nothing to me. As sweat soaked my brow, I bluffed my way through the exam, only to find that it had taken me all of half an hour when it was scheduled for two. The sense of doom was unbearable. I'm not overdramatising, believe me; there was a very good reason to want to do well. Back then you knew if you failed, your parents would probably kill you! Nowadays, students don’t need to worry quite as much about failing as they just don't "get their credit". If you can keep yourself from being literal, you have to admit, that does sound so much better. Notwithstanding, there is less emphasis today on passing and failing, today's students are facing far greater pressures to succeed than we did. Twenty years ago, it was a remarkable accomplishment to acquire a BA. It could get you the world and then some. Recently on a W5 segment on education, however, it was stated that a general BA is virtually worthless; that a C-plus general BA leaves you essentially unskilled for today’s work force. This has to be unsettling knowledge for students enrolled in that course of study, not to mention for the parents dolling out thousands of dollars to educate their children to be unskilled. It leaves only a few, not very choice, options. These young students are under even greater pressure to bring their marks up, to re-evaluate their professional future, or to stay in university long enough to get their Master's. That is, provided they have the ability to improve their marks, have a talent in some other field, are able to change career training mid-stream or that a C- minus Master's degree will be worth something by Continued on page 15