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12 THE RURAL VOICE
SHE'S MARRYING
A FARMER
Super Wrench has turned out to be
"man who soothes troubled waters" in
this affair. (If the waters get too calm,
he's not above stirring up a typhoon or
two either.)
Super Wrench was consulted
recently by his dutiful daughter as to
when it would be convenient for her to
be married. He advised her that spring
seeding time would be bad, haying
season would be rotten, and fall
harvest would be downright putrid.
That didn't leave her much choice
in the way of dates. The soon to be
son-in-law concurred with Super
Wrench because, dare I say it aloud,
she's marrying a farmer. At least
he'll be getting a better bargain than
Super Wrench did. She knows the
difference between a weaner and a
wiener.
When I saw the numbers of
people that would be involved in this
celebration I took a couple of aspirins.
Both the Ireland and Kennedy families
tried to populate half the township,
and succeeded. A small wedding was
out of the question.
Luckily, we have a large
community which will make the
reception and following meal a breeze.
My suggestion that we prepare bag
lunches, distribute them to the guests
after the ceremony, and tell them to
enjoy them on the way home didn't
get a respectful reception.
We had a few tense days when it
was suggested that Super Wrench be
fitted for his tuxedo along with the rest
of the wedding party. He was mildly
interested until he was told the price.
His eyes bugged out in indignation.
"I could get the best suit ever made at
sale time and get to keep it afterwards
for that price. No way."
To date, he hasn't gone to try on
suits because he's had a bad case of
combine fever.
And, just in case, I've kept his best
coveralls sparkling clean.
I'm worried about when I'll get all
the windows of the house washed, and
Super Wrench is worried about how
much of this year's crop it will take to
pay for it all.
Our daughter is a peach and very
well organized. This trait did not
come from her mother. I'm glad,
because I wouldn't have the patience
to trot from store to store, matching
everything perfectly. She's positive
the guests will recoil in horror if the
napkins don't match the streamers
and if the balloons clash with the
bridemaid's dresses.
Super Wrench is happy that it's an
evening wedding and won't interfere
with getting a good day's work done.
Our daughter has visions of the family
fighting for the shower and the hair
dryers and showing up late. Super
Wrench just sits back and grins.
We've all done our part in
making our daughter a truly harassed
bride-to-be by coming up with
wonderful ideas. Such as giving each
of the guests a balloon with his or her
name on it to take home. I thought it
was a nice change from matches. She
just about cried.
There isn't much left to do, and
even less time to do it. I still haven't
got all the windows washed, nor has
Super Wrench suggested going for a
suit The tension between the bride
and groom is mounting. She has
visions of tripping and taking a lip
skid as Super Wrench escorts her up
the aisle, and the groom is eyeing us
all as if he's wondering whether he
really wants to be part of all this.
But that's the fun of a wedding,
isn't it?0
Gisele Ireland, from Bruce County,
began her series of humorous columns
with The Rural Voice. Her most
recent book, Brace Yourself, is
available for $7 from Bumps Books,
Teeswater, Ontario, NOG 2S0.