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6 THE RURAL VOICE
A CASE OF "I WON'T"
Super Wrench was flipping
through the telephone book like a
chicken scratching for grain in a
desert. He'd flip a few pages, grunt,
and then flip a few more, followed by
more grunts.
"What are you looking for?" I
ventured.
"Some help for you," he replied
with another grunt, "I'm sure there's
something wrong with you."
"And what ails me is going to be
cured by you flipping through the "bet
you'll never find it" section of the
phone book?"
"I saw counselling for mental
health in here somewhere," he mum-
bled, "I don't suppose a dog catcher
would do much for you?"
"That depends," I said, • on
whether you classify me as rabid or
not. What do you think is wrong with
me anyway?"
"You're the first person I've ever
come across who refused to acknowl-
edge that another year's gone by and
doesn't get even a little excited about
starting a new one. Whatever it is
you're suffering from, there's got to
be a person who can cure it."
"The only thing I'm suffering from
is a case of 'I won't'," I told him.
"I'm sick and tired of just getting used
to something, and then somc bright
light comes along and changes it.
That includes making me start another
year when I haven't finished with the
last one yet."
Everything around us is being
taken away and improved, and we are
ed to believe it is for the better. I'll
bet you a glass of liver milkshake that
most people out there are ready for a
plain simple anything.
My coffee was improved again. I
was just nicely getting used to the last
"improvement." It tasted like there
had been an addition of drain cleaner.
I haven't figured out what the new
"improvement" tastes like.
I have to shop long and hard to
find a plain pair of socks that just keep
your feet warm. The improved ones
support your ankles, massage your
feet, and trim your toenails. The next
improvement will likely automatically
seal themselves when they get a hole.
Most of the socks don't even have a
heel and toe anymore. The only way
you can tell what they are is if they're
too narrow to fit over your head and
they don't have a pom-pom on thcm.
My detergent has also been im-
proved again. The price has gone up
every time some bored lab worker had
a warped brain wave. It doesn't wash
any cleaner, it just smells like pseudo
April showers, a meadow full of
daisies, or, get this, bright sunshine. If
I wanted any of those things, I'd hang
Super Wrench's socks out in April and
drape his lace -trimmed boxers over
the bushes in the daisy -studded
pasture — and sunshine comes free
most days compliments from above.
I've never had to pay for it boxed.
I knew I wasn't getting through to
the glassy -eyed fellow in front of me.
"Do you get my drift?" I asked him.
"I think so," he mumbled, "you
don't want things to change, and that
includes the year."
"You've got it," I replied, "and
there isn't a thing a psychiatrist, which
is what I presume you're hunting for,
can do for me."
"I guess not," he said. "I'm going
upstairs to take a shower. Do you
think I could change my underwear, or
would such a change traumatize you
too much?"
When it's put like that, there are
some changes that are definitely for
the better. He hasn't convinced me,
though, that one year is going to be
any better than the next. So there)
Gisele Ireland's latest book, Brace
Yourself, is available for $7 from
Bumps Books, Teeswater, NOG 2S0.