The Rural Voice, 1988-07, Page 10Holds Two Big Ones
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George Smyth Welding
& Machine Shop Ltd.
R.R. 2, Auburn, Ont.
519-529-7212
Hydraulic Cylinder
& Jack Repair
Service
• Oxygen & Acetylene Gases
• Welding Equipment &
Supplies
• Tools & Power Equipment
— for the woodworking or
machinery repair shop
Imperial Eastman
Hydraulic Hose and Coupling
Centre
Fast Reliable Service
GLOBAL TOOLS
EQUIPMENT
Listowel
519-291-2280
an Ideal Supply company
8 THE RURAL VOICE
HYGIENE HIJINKS
If Super Wrench can't solve a
problem by welding it, greasing it, or
pumping air into it, he calls for help.
I can usually tell how severe his
dilemma is by how long he drags out
the syllables in my name when he bel-
lows like a wounded moose from the
upstairs. A short blast means either
the zipper or the button in his pants is
missing. A plaintive howl means his
favorite shirt is not ironed and in his
closet, and a growling rendition of my
name means his son has once again
robbed his sock drawer.
Most of the time an iron, a needle
and thread, or sending the "sock
nabber" upstairs smoothes the ruffled
feathers. Not last Sunday.
Just as we were putting the
finishing touches on ourselves at the
downstairs mirror, getting ready for
church, the most ungodly epithets
started coming from above. We stood
in awe of the apparition that barrelled
down the stairs. It was stuffing its
shirt, which had wet spots all over it,
into its pants. Its hair had bits of
green in it and was dripping down the
shirt collar. The face above the collar
was nothing you'd want to be seen in
public with either. It was red and raw,
with bits of bloody toilet tissue stuck
here and there.
"You," he said, pointing at me,
"have to do something about your
kids."
We stood there as he chronicled
his misadventures in getting ready for
church. The water was cold, again.
He couldn't find any shampoo or soap
so he washed with Comet — hence the
green residue in his hair. When he
was done, there wasn't a dry towel left
so he used the bathmat. To top it all
off, he couldn't find his shaving
cream. He put a glob of something he
found in a jar on his face and it turned
out to have bits of gravel in it. After
the facial scrub, he proceeded to re-
move the rest of his skin with a razor
that had last been used to shave barbed
wire off someone's legs.
His wrath was then turned on his
kids, who were having a hard time
keeping a straight face. "When I was
your age," he informed them in
sermon -like tones, "I had a bath once
a week, not twice a day. You kids use
the bathroom like a recreational
facility."
"But Dad," one of his daughters
piped up, "we can't smell like the barn
when we go out. A bath once a week
is gross."
"Yeah," his son joined in, "just
think of all the deodorant it would take
to make you smell like part of the
human race when you bath only once
a week."
"We didn't have deodorant back
then," Super Wrench informed them.
"No deodorant," they wailed in
unison. "Mom, how did you ever get
close enough to Dad to let him take
you out, let alone marry him?"
Once Super Wrench realized he
had their attention, he began Laying it
on with a trowel. He told them step
by step how all nine kids stripped m
the kitchen before the woodstove and
hopped in the metal tub for their
weekly scrubbing, youngest first. The
parents got last dibs on the tub. I was
waiting for the chamber -pot routine,
where he describes how in the winter
he pulled it out from under his bed to
watch the mice play hockey on it. He
didn't go that far this time, mainly be-
cause the church bells were chiming.
When we settled in the church
pew, the kids shifted over, giving him
plenty of space. He still smelled like a
clean kitchen sink. I cuddled up to
him. After all, if I stood it all those
years ago when there was no deodor-
ant, what's a little Comet?0
Gisele Ireland, from Bruce County,
began her series of humorous columns
with The Rural Voice. Her most recent
book, Brace Yourself, is available for
$7 from Bumps Books, Teeswater,
Ontario, NOG 2S0.