Townsman, 1992-01, Page 40n
UE1M
Can't we just
be friends?
By Keith Roulston
I know Valentine's Day is coming
up anti romance is supposed to be in
the air (along with snowflakes hurled
by 8(1 km winds) but every now and
then, couldn't we sec something about
men and women just being friends?
I know it happens. I've worked in
organizations that were predominantly
female most of my life and been
friends with many women. I've had
leniale friends going way back to high
school years (there wasn't any
romance in my life back then: much
to my chagrin all the girls just wanted
to be friends.)
13ut look in the media for evidence
that men and women can be friends
and you'll think it's impossible. If boy
meets girl in the movies, you can bet
they won't be friends. As a mattcr of
fact, these days before they even get
to know each other, they're likely to
he in bed together.
Even when there is a friendship
between men and women, it's likely to
go beyond something platonic. In the
movie "When Harry Met Sally", Meg
Ryan and Billy Crystal over a period
of years go through hating each other,
to being friends who share each other
happiness and heartache, including
the turmoil of their love -life with
other partners. But Billy's character at
the beginning has stated flatly that it's
impossible for men and women to just
be friends because if you like the
other person well enough to be a
friend, you can't help wanting to
move toward something more sexual
and you just know that Billy and Meg
won't stay just friends forever.
They don't, of course. By the end
of the movie, after years of denying
40 TOWNSMAN/JANUARY-FEBRUARY 1992
their attraction, they've ended up in
each other's arms (and one or the oth-
er's bed).
In television, it's nearly as bad. If
two characters have developed a
friendship you can bet that the show's
writers and producers will eventually
have them end up in bed together, if
only just once.
Well maybe my life's just been
dull, but I've never ended up in a
romantic relationship with the women
I've worked with (other than my
wife). It's not that the women weren't
attractive. In my years in newspapers,
magazines and theatre, I've worked
with some very sexy ladies. The fact
is that if you're going to work with
each other, you better find a way to
shut down that side of your instincts.
You just learn to deal with each other
as people, not objects of desire.
Not in movies and television, how-
ever. Without sex there would be no
movies or television. The plot line of
every movie or TV show involves
somebody either getting shot or get-
ting love. The industry would die if
men and women were just friends.
Now newspapers and the news
reports on radio and television have it
just the other way around. Pick up
your newspaper today and you're apt
to think that men and women are
locked in an endless war. We hear
about the "war" on women, about the
violence perpetrated by men against
women, about sexual harassment on
the job and random violence in the
streets. Instead of this being a prob-
lem caused by some men on some
women, you'd think that every man
was walking around with a club.
While I don't deny this is a very real
problem that worries many women, I
resent the insinuation that if I haven't
beaten a woman yet, it's just a matter
of time. Seems to me even if there is a
bad minority of men out there who
take out their frustrations on women,
there are still a lot of us who are con-
scientious objectors in this "war".
Maybe if Hollywood would show a
few more friendships between men
and women, it would set a good
example for ordinary people. Maybe it
would show men and women can be
something else other than sexual part-
ners or enemies. Maybe it would con-
vince some boorish men that women
were something else other than an
object of sexual attraction. Maybe it
would convince women that there are
men out there who can be their
friends.
I don't mean that men/women
friendships have to be exactly the
same as male/male or female/female
friendships. I don't see the one -of -the -
boys, back-slapping, beer commercial
kind of friendships being very realis-
tic (they aren't even very realistic
among grown-up men). Neither are
we going to believe the I'll -tell -you -
my -deepest -secrets kind of friendship
women often share. There will always
be a reserve in such friendships that
isn't there in same-sex friendships.
Given concerns about crossing sexual
boundaries, a man is going to think
twice before throwing his arm around
the shoulders of a female friend.
Given feelings of not sending the
wrong signals, women are likely to
keep a protective shield up with most
male friends.
But we can have friendships. We
do have friendships. Maybe if these
friendships were recognized more in
prominent places, we'd have a healthi-
er relationship between men and
women.
Nook nig for a
unique gift?
Why not
a subscription
to Townsman