The Rural Voice, 1996-06, Page 6TE -EM FARM
Perennial display garden a must to see.
Perennials and nursery stock can be
planted anytime.
There's lots to choose from at Te -em Farm
- all home grown. A good selection of
annuals & hanging baskets.
Excellent time to plant
windbreak trees
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Murrgon County • ,3
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Berlina
Mon. - Fri. - 9-8
Sat. - Sun. - 9-6
R.R. 1, Bayfield, Ont.
519-482-3020
OPEN/NG
JUNE 16th
Clinton
Raceway
tr
t.) 4„t.
pi a
• Racing Every Sunday
June 16th to Sept. 1st
• Supervised Swimming
• Children's Playground
• Picnic Area
Post Time: 1:30 p.m.
ONTARIO'S
FAMILY TRACK
held at Clinton
Community Park
Beech St.
482-7729
2 THE RURAL VOICE
Eek! A
Gisele Ireland
mouse! A computer too!
I tangled with something this
winter that made me quiver with
apprehension, cower with fear and
vibrate with utter frustration. It was
lethally armed with a mouse, a hard
drive, software and bytes. You got it,
the much -
lauded and
worshipped
invention
known as a
computer.
Learning how
to operate it
was supposed
to make my life
easier. It
failed.
Super
Wrench and
Son bought one
for their
business and
wanted all the
information on parts, prices,
inventory and billing at the push of a
button. Trouble is, they didn't know
what button to push and claimed they
were too busy to learn how. I was
ruthlessly blackmailed into learning.
They should have known better
because they put the finger on a
woman who still screams at the phone
when confronted with the honeyed
voice of a robot on the push-button
phone telling me what to push to get
to where I want to relate my problem.
1 always end up at the wrong place.
I've almost mastered the intricacies of
my computerized sewing machine
and haven't put a buttonhole in the
oddest places for quite a while. They
both cajoled me into approaching it as
a challenge and didn't let up until I
enrolled in Adult Education. I'm still
trying to figure how to get even with
both of them.
The first day of class was an
indication of what was to follow, both
for me and the hapless instructor. He
thought 1 wanted to upgrade to cruise
the Internet. I told him I'd like to
learn how to turn on the monster. He
got visibly pale and looked around for
an escape route, knowing he got
landed with what all instructors fear
worse than having their tires slashed
in the parking lot — an electronically
disadvantaged idiot.
The first program, WordPerfect,
wasn't all that bad. I only had to quit
early a few times after locking up my
machine, and more often than not the
instructor could figure out where the
stuff that was supposed to be printing
on paper was hiding. In utter
frustration one day, the instructor
announced that computers worked on
logic and obviously I didn't. I think
he said it all.
By the time I advanced to Lotus,
preparing myself to produce
informative spreadsheets that were
accurate and of utmost value to any
business, I had no fingernails left, I
had that wild-eyed look of a fugitive
and a nervous tic near the left eye.
The instructor looked worse.
Every key has a particular function
on a computer. Some can make your
work shift, some can make it appear
in boxes, some will change the look
of the print and the size of it, and
some will make your work disappear
entirely. I managed to push that one a
lot. Adding, subtracting, etc. is all
done automatically, PROVIDING
YOU PUSH THE RIGHT BUTTON.
I did some pretty fantastic
calculations. I got an entire
spreadsheet completed in Japanese
Yen, and couldn't explain how I
accomplished it. I thought it was
amazing; the instructor didn't.
Super Wrench allowed a reprieve
for the summer months because be
has other challenges for me, caution-
ing me that the first snowflake in the
fall will put me back in the classroom.
When I informed the instructor I
wouldn't be back for a few months he
tried hard not to look ecstatic and said
he'd look forward to our next session.
1 figure he's either a masochist or his
mother never punished him enough
when he told a whopper.
To those of you who eagerly
pound on the keyboard, finding out
what the price of wine is in the Loire
Valley and what the weather's doing
in Bali, I envy you. I'm going to get
a bottle of microchips and eat them
daily until I get sent back. Maybe my
fingernails will have grown back and
that twitch will be gone. I'm still in '
better shape than the instructor. He'll
likely be in therapy all summer.0
Gisele Ireland, from Bruce County, is
an author of several humorous books
on farm life.