The Rural Voice, 1993-07, Page 8Mobilrap
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4 THE RURAL VOICE
Gisele Ireland
How to cope with aging
If you have any silver in your hair,
need a nap in the afternoon or need
more fibre in your diet to keep regular,
you are part of the new "dreaded"
generation.
The media is
scaring the pants
off the younger
generation by
pointing out, with
loads of important
statistics, that our
pension require-
ments of the
future will bank-
rupt them and our
demands on the
health system will
be staggering.
The only good
thing we'll do is
pass our capital wealth on to our heirs.
Neither Super Wrench nor I will be
able to make that paltry contribution to
the future.
Since fully a third of the population
fits these demographics, we are being
labelled an epidemic. Sounds like we
should be bundled up and mailed
elsewhere or at least recycled into
something useful.
The vagaries of middle age are
enough to contend with without having
to worry about being a blight on the
financial future of the next generation.
When Super Wrench read one of
these depressing litanies, he made the
sage observation that if our best miles
were behind us, we should make sure
every trip on the road of life counts.
We're not roadkill yet, just because
we've entered that twilight zone of
neither being the life of the party at two
in the morning nor having to have our
meals put through the blender. Most
people who slide into this stage of life
have learned the art of compromise.
Super Wrench has done his part by
adopting braces. Not on his teeth, on
his pants.
For Father's Day last year he re-
ceived a pair of elastic suspenders by
those of us who held our breath when
he bent over and his pants didn't. The
suspenders were supposed to take care
of the gap. They are tricky to put on, as
anyone who wears them has found out.
Once you've got your pants on, you
have to snap them on behind you, and
then fasten the front. If this procedure
isn't done correctly, you could end up
like Super Wrench. He bent over, they
became unhinged and whacked him on
the back of the head, permanently
imprinting a perfect "T" on the back of
his skull.
Most of us who are sliding into
middle age don't notice it all that much.
It's just a series of small compromises.
If eating a plate of favourite french
fries, doused with ketchup, makes us
feel we've eaten an anchor, we learn to
either replace them with something else
or have them early in the morning when
our system has all day to work on them.
Stewed prunes are a dead giveaway.
We tend not to stay and bum the
rope after a meeting. In the days when
I thought support hose was something
you put on the garden sprinkler, I could
actually stay awake after midnight and
even go for a treat, further discussing
the meeting with cohorts. Now, around
11, I have fantasies of fluffy pillows
and snuggly sheets. Even super
strength vitamins haven't done a thing
for this condition.
Never, ever, challenge your kids to a
stamina contest. If they want to pick
the entire field of stones in one night,
let them. Have a backup plan when
you get to the stage where straightening
up takes longer than bending down.
Surely there must be an important call
you have to make. If this occurs in the
middle of the afternoon, it's a little
trickier, but still possible. Tell them
you have to have a breather between
hay loads and hide in the guest room
for a quick nap. If you don't snore,
they'll never think to look for you
there.
Super Wrench has an added
advantage. He now has two sons-in-
law whom he can inveigle into
participating at the business end of a
baler and make it sound like the treat of
the century. It will work only as long
as his blarney about muscle building
and sustaining stamina bamboozles
them. Middle age doesn't have to be an
epidemic, if you learn to pace yourself,
put away a lot of money and hope one
of your kids becomes a doctor.0
Gisele Ireland is from Bruce County.
Her most recent book, Brace Your-
self, is available for $7 from Bumps
Books, Teeswater, Ontario. NOG 2S0.