The Rural Voice, 1991-09, Page 12\1:1:1:1:IYAMAHAI:1:1:1:l:i .
Yamaha
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I:I\��
ARGYLE
MARINE &
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88 BRITANNIA RD. East
Goderlch
519-524-5361
8 THE RURAL VOICE
A GOOD INTERPRETER WILL
KEEP LAWN MOWER AT HOME
Gisele Ireland is from Bruce County.
Her most recent book, Brace Yourself,
is available for $7 from Bumps Books,
Teeswater, Ontario, NOG 2S0.
Some bored out of their skull soul
decided to interview men who jumped
the home fence to cut grass in fresher
pastures and find the reason for this
desertion. The most recurring theme
was that the woman they were with
just simply didn't "understand" them.
Give me a break. It's not a case of
understanding, just simply the poor
woman was a lousy interpreter.
Men talk in special coded lang-
uage. Especially Super Wrench. Ask
him what he'd like for dinner and he'll
tell you "whatever." Were I dumb
enough to make just that, I'd get a
major case of the hurt puppy pouts
because it wasn't his favourite steak
with onion gravy. The same decipher-
ing is required when I run a home im-
provement idea by him. If he replies
with, "It really doesn't look all that
bad," he really means "I need the
money for a new block on the tractor
and it would be a shame to waste it on
the house." If he perchance replies,
"I'll look in the shed and see if there's
anything I can use to fix it," really
translates into "She's serious and /'d
better co-operate." If he says, "Do
whatever you want," he really means
"You touch that room, or spend one
cent on it, I'll remove every second
step from the stairs and watch you
come down with two baskets of
laundry."
To make matters even more labori-
ous, Super Wrench's farm language
code is even harder to crack. Just pay
close attention 'the next time one far-
mer converses with another. The most
common questions and answers are as
follows, with a rough translation in-
cluded.
Q. How come you're successful at
farming when so many others aren't?
A. Just hard work and good
management. Thank you, thank you
Lord that dad gave me the farm, and
for my wife who worked for the past
15 years and makes $49,000 a year.
Q. How are the crops doing?
A. The barley looks like a 100 bu-
shel to the acre crop, and the corn even
better. That's what it'll have to yield
to break even and I only got yields like
that once in my lifetime and /'m keep-
ing my fingers crossed this year will
be the second time or the suppliers
will take my children into bondage.
Q. How many pigs do you market
from your sows in a year?
A. Just the 22.8 piglets per sow
experts claim are needed for a viable
hog operation. We also keep a few ex-
tra sows to boost these numbers a bit
because we found after three months
of working around the clock in the pig
barn we kept falling asleep at the
wheel of the car and the machinery.
Q. If farming is so bad, why do you
continue to do it?
A. This farm has been in our fam-
ily for five generations and I'm not
going to be the one to put an end to a
heritage like that. 1've had the place
for sale for over a year now, but can' t
get a fool with enough money to pay
what 1 need to clear the debts when /
sell it, let alone have enough to buy
somewhere else to live.
Q. How's the weather been?
A. I got all my first cut hay in with-
out a drop of rain on it. There were
only eight acres but the corn and soy-
beans are shrivelling in the drought.
Q. Don't you feel guilty about all
those subsidies you get at the taxpay-
er's expense?
A. I'd sooner get my money from
the market place. /'m so desperate to
keep the wheels on this operation for
another year I'd take money from a
man in a black suit with a shoulder
holster in a dark alley in Detroit.
So you see, I've got interpretation
down pretty well, and besides, Super
Wrench doesn't have a lawn mower
that works well enough to cut grass in
strange pastures. I "understand" him
only too well.°