The Rural Voice, 1990-09, Page 10,6=:7011111111111):'\
thwookiiIthootobtitiwinAIMO
PURE WATER FOR AMERICA
roor.m.. (.o.ar a.ar.ww. 0.v H.«.uw,
For service call your
professional Goulds dealer
for a reliable water system.
CLIFF's PLUMBING
& HEATING
Lucknow
519-528-3913
"Our experience
assures lower cost
water wells"
90 YEARS EXPERIENCE
Member of Canadian
and Ontario
Water Well Associations
• Farm
• Industrial
• Suburban
• Municipal
Licensed
by the Ministry
of the Environment
DAVIDSON
WELL DRILLING LTD.
WINGHAM
Serving Ontario Since 1900
519-357-1960 WINGHAM
519-886-2761 WATERLOO
6 THE RURAL VOICE
THE JOKE'S ON US
Gisele Ireland is from Bruce County.
Her most recent book, Brace Yourself,
is available for $7 from Bumps Books,
Teeswater, Ontario, NOG 2S0.
Super Wrench was lamenting he
hadn't heard many funny stories from
farmers lately . "It's been years," he
claimed, "since I've heard a salesman
and farmer's daughter story."
That's understandable. Where can
you find a farmer's daughter waiting
around to meet a salacious salesman?
The daughters have left the country-
side to seek their livelihood elsewhere.
More to the point, when was the last
time a salesman dropped in for a quick
sale? Thcy know where the money is,
and it isn't on the rural beat.
"You've overlooked the best
source of humour anywhere," I told
him, "and it's right under your nose.
In fact, it's delivered to you." He was
still a bit puzzled until I pointed to the
pile of mail we'd accumulated that
week. They must have stuffed the
equivalent of three dead trees in our
mailbox in five short days.
The call to the polls has generated
some pretty racy stuff. It's the most
expensive humour. The Ontario tax-
payer is shelling out 540 million for
this material and it's questionable
whether you'll get your money's
worth, so you might as well laugh.
The announcement of the drought
payment for farmers at 55.80 per acre
is a real side -splitter. It would take
two acres to pay for a visit to the
chiropractor to fix what you wrenched
getting the land planted, the stones
picked, and the crop harvested. It
would take four acres and a bit to get
enough cash to buy a case of forget-
fulness so you could spend a fcw
hours in a euphoric state, forgetting
you ever owned a farm.
At that price per acre, you might
look at parts and, if you're daring,
touch them. You won't buy thcm.
The mailbox also brings an
assortment of bills. Thcy bring the
family together for sessions of
accountability. Who is responsible
for charging 5127 worth of gas? Who
left the lights on all over the farm and
put the hydro bill up again?
The most amusing mail is from
kind-hearted people who offer to
improve your life for just a fcw mo-
ments of your time or, more often, for
just your Visa or Mastercard number.
The options here are endless.
Those hemorrhoids you got on the
cold tractor seat this spring? They'll
go away painlessly and instantly with
the application of an amazing new
discovery. Or you can enlarge or
reduce your bust size. Want to make
more money farming? You can per-
use several pages of options on deer
raising, llama herds, and worm rais-
ing. All these people became rich
overnight.
Everyone wants to be a winner,
and numerous organizations take ad-
vantage of this fervent hope. We've
been on a short List to cash in on 58
million for over five years. We stop-
ped sending the forms back years ago
and still get the same promises. Just
send the form back in 10 days and
you'll be eligible to collect your prize,
plus be on the hook for a 99 -year
subscription.
The "big brass" sends some of the
most interesting stuff. They want
forms filled out which will be used in
an entirely confidential compilation of
useless material which, in turn, will be
printed out and mailed to you. If you
give erroneous information, you can
be charged and incarcerated. So much
for confidentiality. Most of the time,
I can't understand what the forms are
asking for anyway. They are all writ-
ten in two languages 1 have difficulty
with — French and bureaucratese.
By the way, if someone happens to
mail you some salesman and farmer's
daughter stories, keep Super Wrcnch
in mind. He misses them more than
he docs subsidy cheques.°