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6 THE RURAL VOICE
MADNESS AND
A MEATLESS DIET
Farmers who produce meat have
been struggling to stay above the
water for a long time. Sometimes it
seems they've been pit in a sack, like
unwanted kittens, we;ghted down and
thrown in the deep end. Just to make
them sink a little fast, r, a few boulders
named GATT, free trade, and animal
welfare have been added to the sack.
The new book by John Robbins,
heir to the Baskin Robbins empire,
won't do meat producers any favours
either. It's called Diet for a New
America, and it blames all the world's
woes on the consumption of meat,
poultry, and fish. Just to give you an
idea of how seriously this piece of
work is being taken, it's been nomin-
ated for this year's Pulitzer Prize!
Eugene Whelan warned us several
years ago that meat was bad for some
people. He remarked that the boys
from Bruce County should ease off the
beef because it was making them too
aggressive.
For some people, a meatless diet
would be a definite hardship, but to
suggest to Super Wrench that a meat-
less diet is a possibility makes him see
red. This guy gets very cranky when
meat isn't served daily. Scrambled
eggs are tolerated when time is short,
but on a permanent basis they would
make him beat his chest in frustration.
If such a regime were to mater-
ialize, just think of the terminology it
would make obsolete. A new diction-
ary would have to be published and a
fortune could be made revamping
restaurant menus.
The summer -time barbecue would
become a footnote in history. Can you
imagine the response of friends if you
invited them over for supper and
offered to throw a nice, big, juicy,
tender zucchini on the grill for them?
Ham, bacon, and sausages would
no longer be around to accompany the
eggs at breakfast and it would take a
long time to get used to hearing,
"Would you like peas or a salad with
your eggs, sir?"
Going to a fast-food place for a
burger and fries is a modern tradition.
Changing that to a soyburger and fries
would take some getting used to.
I've had a soyburger and couldn't be
tempted back for another helping. It's
like getting engaged and finding your
ring is a zirconia instead of a diamond.
Mom's pot roast would only be a
memory. Sure, it could be replaced
with tofu, but tofu sounds even strang-
er than it tastes. Shepherd's pie would
become just mashed potatoes and
peas. Gravy would also become ob-
solete, making french fries inedible.
The worst would be going to a res-
taurant. The look on Super Wrench's
face when the waitress asked him
whether he would like his squash rare,
medium, or well done could put a
whole new meaning on the word ugly.
Is too much energy wasted
producing protein in animal form?
Maybe. But to blame the world's
woes on protein is going too far. Next
they'll likely connect meat to people
who commit crimes. The defence
lawyer could argue that his client was
under the influence of roast beef
before he committed the robbery and
should be let off, working on a carrot
farm for rehabilitation.
As far as meat and aggression go,
we need more studies. I know Super
Wrench becomes docile after a roast
pork dinner. He becomes downright
cranky when I clear the table after
serving only a salad, cheese, and
bread. John Robbins maybe hasn't
read the book, Real Men Don't Eat
Quiche. Super Wrench has.0
Gisele Ireland, from Bruce County,
began her series of humorous columns
with The Rural Voice. Her most
recent book, Brace Yourself, is
available for $7 from Bumps Books,
Teeswater, Ontario, NOG 2S0.