The Rural Voice, 2000-08, Page 8T K
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4 THE RURAL VOICE
Glsele Ireland
Survival tips for family reunions
There doesn't seem to be any
neutral ground for this summer
activity. You either love it or hate it.
When the invitation comes. the
hatem's immediately feel an
incurable rash come upon them in
places where it
isn't polite to
itch and the
lovers begin
planning what
to tuck into the
little picnic
basket. Yup.
it's family
reunion time.
The only
reunions I have
observed are
among the
genetic donors
of Super
Wrench's
family pool. My own family is
scattered over North America with a
few shirt-tail cousins still in Europe
somewhere. A phone booth would
suffice for ours.
I have to admit, I envy Super
Wrench. His ancestry can be traced
back to before dentures were
invented, on both sides of the
Atlantic and careful recordings have
been made for centuries by interested
historians within the family. Kind of
like having a National Enquirer on
your family activities. The recording
can be tricky. It caused a major
family feud in my son-in-law's
family as the current historical record
believes in accuracy: that means all
medical conditions, above and below
the belt, marriage separations,
divorces and liaisons not sanctioned
by God nor law. He evidently didn't
miss much.to the chagrin of the
family members. Some aren't talking
to some now and some are
demanding retractions, especially
those who were reported to have to
rely on Depends and Valium and
others are just snickering behind their
hands. This was a reunion not to be
missed.
I find family reunions somewhat
like those Christmas newsletters you
get from some family members
except you can't hide behind a good
Don't brag.
People want
family dirt
picture taken in dim light IU years
ago. You're there, in strong sunlight
with your cover -all concealer melted
off and your grey roots showing.
There are a few basic rules that
become apparent after attending a
few of these events.
If for the last three years, the same
person has had bunions, hemorrhoids,
ulcers and insomnia, it won't have
changed. It can only have gotten
worse, and if you indicate even
unintentionally, that you are
interested, consider your day's
activity planner filled. Only a bee
swarm will budge them.
If you take a heaping helping of
Aunt Mabel's special potato salad it
is a criminal offence not to stand,
baking in the sun and watching the
salmonella grow, and listen to the
legendary Aunt Mabel story of the
origin of the salad. If you, on the
other hand, bypass the salad, be
prepared to explain why you are
doing this. Try to think of something
more credible than having been
hospitalized for food poisoning after
eating it last year.
Be a good listener and don't brag.
No one wants to hear how your kids
all have PHD's, your husband has an
office bigger than their house and
your stock portfolio is burgeoning
with fantastic investments. They want
to hear how much it cost you to beat
your son's impaired charge, when
your daughter is getting married now
that she's got two children and how
often do you have to shave your
upper lip or do you use electrolysis?
If you're a man, they're interested as
to where the hair on your head went
and can you still see your feet with
that overhang.
It's the only event I know of
where you can catch up on an entire
year of a person's or family's life in a
matter of hours and eat the original
Aunt Mabel's potato salad, made
famous during the dirty thirties
threshing bees and lovingly prepared
by her great -great niece. Thankfully
she left out the grasshoppers they had
back then. You gotta love that!O
Gisele Ireland, from Bruce County, is
an author of several humorous books
on farm life.