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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 1989-05-24, Page 5Friendship House offers solace to battered womena YTHY" BY BONNIE GROPP One out of every eight Canadian women is a victim of some form of spousal abuse. No flowery phrases or descriptions can begin this article, just the disturbing facts. “We need to work together to stop this kind of violence in our society. Instead our continued de­ nial is simply acting to promote family violence.” These are the feelings of Julie Lee, Executive Director of Survival Through Friendship House, a Hur­ on County shelter for battered wives and their children which started in June, 1985. It was founded under the direction of Mrs. June Taylor as part of a community effort. Representatives from the County came together, recognizing that we had a concern, and attempted to decide how to eliminate the outrage of wife assault in Huron County, explains Ms. Lee. A steering committee was form­ ed to best address the issue. The Anglican Church generously leased property to them but since that time participation has come from a broad range of community groups. They have recently received a substantial grant from the Ministry of Community and Social Services, who are also responsible for cover­ ing 80 per cent of the daily operating budget for the shelter. Also Huron County Social Services will pay a per diem rate for clients eligible under the General Welfare Act. These individuals are assessed by the County. An announcement by the Provincial government that there will be an increase of $5.4 million for wife assault prevention programs is a welcome relief, though Ms. Lee is not certain at this time how it works out or how it will affect their shelter. “There really is never enough funding to reflect the needs, she said, how­ ever,” she quickly adds, “we are getting there.” Funds are not the only problem. The myths that surround wife battering are a major concern as they are difficult to expel and affect the issue of violence. “People believe that there is a particular type of woman, who finds herself in this situation. That is simply not true,” states Ms. Lee. The profile of the battered woman, she explains, matches the profile of every woman who is equally vul­ nerable in a relationship, regard­ less of race, class, religion, income, education or background. Ms. Lee continues, “There is an unfortunate stigma attached to the issue of family violence. Society tends to blame the wife, turning the responsibility from the perpe­ trator to the victim. What did she do to make him act like this?” It is important for the wife to under­ stand that these are examples of Society’s denial a problem the ignorance of society to a problem that it feels does not affect it. The general public will deny it is a community problem, according to Ms. Lee, who says they hold firm to the belief that it happens to others, not to anyone they know or to themselves. “The most important fact to remember here is if she is responsible for anything it is to be reminded of her own self-care and her children, who are obviously affected after wit­ nessing this.” “It is time we asked ourselves some hard questions about our own values and our attitudes to women in relation to men,” says Ms. Lee. She suggests that even in this post-women’s-lib generation the issues are still there and need to be resolved. “People don’t like to ask themselves whether or not sexism is still in our everyday life as it means we must challenge our­ selves and our very culture.” The London Co-ordinating Com­ mittee on Family Violence dis­ covered that women will, on the average, be assaulted 35 times before seeking help from the police or a shelter worker. Why, we ask, would anyone tolerate a violation of this magnitude? History demonstrates that part of the problem may lie in the legali­ ties of the system. In the past when a wife was abused and the police were called to mediate, the belief that it was a family matter preclud­ ed any intervention on their part. They would then ask the woman to press charges if she wanted which, Ms. Lee points out, is impossible. “To take a person who is involved in an intimate love relationship and expect them to deal with this is an unfair position to place them in.” Frequently, the officer’s efforts were frustrated by a woman who dropped charges after filing them at the time of the infraction. The Solicitor-General recognized the difficulties with this system and issued a directive to the Ontario detachments stating that the officer will now be personally responsible for the laying of charges if he has reasonable grounds to believe an assault has taken place. Another reason for hesitancy on the wife’s part is the psychological Wife trapped by threats dynamics associated with batter­ ing. They can be trapped in the relationship by mind games. The husband may threaten to go after her if she leaves or withdraw financial support, or threaten the lives of the children. There are numerous ways for him to tie her to him. Statistics have shown that when a woman leaves a man she will most likely be plunged into poverty. According to Lee it be­ comes not so much a question of why stay but how the hell do I get out? Ms. Lee furthermore points out that “these guys aren’t monsters all the time”. A lot of the women who come to Friendship House have described their spouse as Jeckyl and Hyde. Also following the attack, Lee explains, they go through what is called the ‘honey­ moon phase’. The wife receives the treats and strokes she has craved for so long. She is stuck with this man emotionally as well as struc­ turally. When the decision is finally made to seek assistance, Survival Through Friendship House is there. Two crisis lines operate on a 24 hour basis, seven days a week, including holidays. The toll free number is 1-800-265-5506 and local calls are 524-6245. Initial contact is preferable this way. The address is not published for reasons of secur­ ity. A crisis counsellor will arrange transportation to the shelter if necessary. “If they are afraid to leave on their own, we will help them,” Ms. Lee states. Survival Through Friendship House has been designated as a 10 bed shelter, however, they have been over the limit from time to time. According to Ms. Lee they were operating at 150 per cent capacity in March of this year. “We will not turn anyone away,” he said. While life at the shelter is chaotic, it is supportive. The rou­ tine duties like meal preparations and household chores are the responsibilities of everyone. There is also support around child care. The work load for these women is tremendous, says Ms. Lee. They must deal with legal, medical, and social service appointments, in addition to looking for housing and Children innocent victims employment. The support group here helps them with their child­ ren. For the youngsters who come with their mothers to the shelter, life is kept as ordinary as possible. Arrangements with schools have been made and extra supervision is provided, so that the children may continue with their studies. In the case of a volatile situation, a tutor may be obtained. Otherwise, the shelter likes to keep a feeling of THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, MAY 24, 1989. PAGE 5. normalcy in the childrens’ already disrupted lives. The damage done to these innocent victims is a disturbing side effect of family violence. Psychological profiles done on children who have witnessed wife battering show that boys will become alienated and act out their frustrations, whereas girls interna­ lize their feelings becoming with­ drawn and depressed. It is proven that boys who came from a family where the mother was abused are more likely to abuse. Girls learn to believe early in their life that that is how women are to be treated and will probably find themselves in a similar situation. Every precaution possible is taken to ensure the safety of the women and children at the shelter. A fence surrounds the perimeter of the house. The structure is install­ ed with a security system and new windows are being installed for added protection. There is an alarm that is directly connected to the police. Also, Ms. Lee explains, they are attentive to the environ­ ment. “We do a risk assessment on intake. The woman will tell us if her husband will likely cause trouble. We check into whether he has access to weapons or is facing any criminal assault charges. Problems of this nature are fairly Wife’s safety a priority common. At present the shelter has doubled security in the face of an extremely dangerous situation. If necessary the woman can be trans­ ported to another shelter for her safety. The stay at Friendship House is expected to be six weeks in duration. In cities the average stay is 19 days. However, with the shortage of available housing in rural communities the average stay here is frequently over 30 days. Some stay even longer. As Ms. Lee questions, how can anybody be expected to be ready to leave here in that length of time? They have had to change their entire life. They are looking at the prospect of a major housing project that would be for a longer term in a supported housing situation. Women would live on their own, but near others who are in similar situations. Some security provi- Mabel’s Grill Splitting the pie Continued from page 4 on a hunger strike. “Yeh,” said Billie, “but if they keep it up for a while you’ll have enough journalists there to make a killing. They’re sure not going to get adventurous enough to try the Chinese food.” Yeh, said Tim O’Grady, but if you really wanted to make a killing with the journalists you need a take-out bar. WEDNESDAY: Well, said Ward Black this morning, after all the jibes he’s taken about how much money the federal Tories tried to grab from the taxpayers in the budget a couple of weeks back, he was waiting with bated breath to see what the provincial Liberals could get this afternoon. Well, said Julia, they’d have to be pretty inventive to find things to tax that Michael Wilson hasn’t already got. Hanks said he didn’t mind the two governments fighting to get a bigger share of the pie but the problem is that now they’re taxing so much he’s going to get a second sions would be provided. Ms. Lee claims that studies are talking about the increased vulner­ ability of the wife after she leaves. She is personally aware of women who left their spouses two years ago and harrassment is still occurr­ ing, by physical, emotional, or legal abuse. Which brings us to another point. The definition of wife abuse is not always physical battering. It can be the torture of the soul, and the killing of the spirit. Shelters like Survival Through Friendship House recognizes the damage done by emotional abuse. For them the definition is crystal clear. Ms. Lee illustrates, “A husband may attack or destroy things that belong to her, he may berate Her, undermine her, or isolate her. He may attack her sexual self-esteem or her role Julie Lee Executive Director Survival Through Friendship House as a wife and mother.” She said she has never forgotten a comment made by one woman at the shelter. “The physical wounds heal. The emotional scars go so deep and take much longer to go away. They have a long term impact on the soul.” The former Vice-President on the National Action Committee on the Status of Women, Lorraine Greaves will be the guest speaker at the General meeting of Survival Through Friendship House. Ms. Greaves is also a pioneer in the area of wife assault across Canada and Julie Lee encourages the public to attend. It will be held on June 13, at 7 p.m. at the Pioneer Museum. pie just to keep them satisfied. THURSDAY: Julia was saying that somebody obviously figured they made a big economic coup when they got the Shriners convention for Toronto in July. The way the Shriners and their wives spend money, it might keep the Toronto economy going for a month. The only problem is they forgot to check the schedule and now they find out it’s the Canada Day holiday and all the stores are going to be closed for both the Saturday anH Sunday. Now the women are going iu bo frustrated because they can’t go shopping. Well things could be worse, Tim said. If the bars were closed the Shriners wouldn’t be putting any money into the city at all. FRIDAY: Ward said he had to chuckle that Jean Chretien hasn’t even declared his candidacy for the Liberal leadership and already he’s getting himself into trouble. “The guys had an unfair advantage up to now,” said Ward. “He’s been a wild card, out there on his own. Now he’ll have advisers to get him in trouble just like everybody else.