Village Squire, 1979-11, Page 37McGILLICUDDY'S DIARY
VWage Squh^e presents the exclusive
feature: the diary of Ezeklal McGillicuddy,
police chief of the village of Hamhocks,
Ontario. Well known for his courageous
battle against the forces of evil, Chief
McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive
rights to his diary to Village Squire ... for a
princely sum of course. Each month we
publish a selection of entries from the
previous month.
OCTOBERI: The Pope is visiting down in
the States but some of the things he's been
saying have been hitting Hamhocks like
the aftershocks from an earthquake. He's
been talking about the role of women in the
church and turning back the clock a bit
land it's not even Standard time until the
end of the month). Anyway. the local ladies
haven't been taking it too well. Annie
Kelly, president of the C.W.L. told me
yesterday that if that's the way he wants it
he can just cone up here and run his own
bake sales from now on.
OCTOBER 8: So what's to give thanks
about today. It's been raining now for a
couple of weeks. All the vegetables in my
garden that were just getting nice in
September because of the warm weather
after being late all summer because of the
cold weather are now rotting because of the
wet weather. My pumpkins got frozen
early and they're more like punk-kins now.
Oli well, at least the grapes are doing well.
I can make some wine and drown my
sorrows.
OCTOBER 10: I see Parliament went in
today. They've been on holiday since the
election back in May. If the M.P.'s can do
that with a whole country, why can't our
town councillors take a few months off
instead of meeting every other week? I
have more trouble with the politicians in
this town than with the criminals. A few
months off would do me a world of good.
I'll bet the Mounties feel the same way
about Parliament.
OCTOBER 20: Joe Clark is in the middle
these days trying to solve a battle between
Ontario and Alberta over oil. I know just
how he feels only my problem is gas, and
not the kind a bromo will help.
Willie Flanagan finally got around to
putting up a new clothes line for his wife
the other day. Willie lives behind the Esso
station. His wife's been nagging him all
summer about fixing the clothes line after
the storm last spring blew over the clothes
line pole. He claimed the ground was too
hard in the summer. He couldn't use that
excuse any more what with all this rain so
he went out to his brother's farm and
borrowed his tractor with the post hole
auger on the back and began to drill the
hole right at the back corner of his property
next to the garage. Well Willie doesn't
know how to work the thing too well and he
got a little deep. He heard a horrible
crunching noise and when he pulleu up the
auger he found he'd broken the end off the
auger. He looked down in the hole and saw
all this water laying there but he couldn't
see what had done the damage.
Luckily he didn't strike a match to see
better. He'd drilled into the corner of the
Esso station's 5000 gallon fibre glass
underground gasoline tank. Seems the
men installing the tank got a little off the
beam and they put about a foot and a half
of it into the corner of the Flanagan lot.
Well Willie didn't complain. His brother
did, because Willie ruined his auger. His
wife did because after all that Willie still
didn't put up the clothes line. Instead he
put up an old water pump, the kind they
used to have on the farm and now just like
he did in the old days before the Flanagan,
had running water on the farm he goes out
to the pump every morning. He and his
wife have been doing a lot of travelling
lately. They've been having a lot of
company too. And strangely, just about
everybody who comes has a five gallon gas
can under one arm.
Well Chuck at the gas station apparently
didn't know what was going on until the
day befort: yesterday when he ran out of
gas, about three days before he was
figuring he should have been due for a
refill. It was while he was twiddling his
thumbs and wondering what to do that he
noticed all the people with gas cans going
into Flanagans. He did a little investigating
and found the source of the problem.
That was where I came in. That's where I
always come in. In the middle, I mean,
between two warring parties. Chuck claims
Willie's stealing his gas. Willie claims that
under mineral rights he owns all the gas
found on his property. It isn't his fault that
Chuck's gas tank sits on his property. It's
what you might call an inflamable
situation.
You know if this town would hire a good
building inspector it might not wear out
police chiefs as fast.
OCTOBER 31: Somebody came up with a
new idea of how to solve the problems of
Hallowe'en: evacuate the town for the
night. Would that it were so easy.
About the only way to keep things in
order tonight is to stick everything in its
place with Crazy Glue. Of course
everything would stay stuck tomorrow
morning even when you didn't want it
stuck. What I'd rather do is put some Crazy
Glue on the rear ends of some of the worst
trouble makers in town and keep them in
their place. And they can stay there
tomorrow as far as I'm concerned.
Cindy Lou Quagmire is ready for
Hallowe'en though. Despite the fact
parents aren't too keen on their kids
getting homemade treats anymore because
of poison in the candies and such, Cindy
Lou has decided Hallowe'en needs the
homey touch and she's baked a whole lot of
candies and cookies. Knowing Cindy Lou's
cooking though, I'd say the kids were safer
with razor blades in apples.
Operation
Lifettyle
The sink cupboard in
your kitchen is the most
dangerous place for your
cleaning supplies; keep them
out of the reach of toddlers.
Never store poisonous, caus-
tic or inflammable substan-
ces in such containers as
pop bottles or jam jars.
HAND CRAFTED
PINE FURNITURE
1 Mc1rDie
Pine Furniture
Crafts & Collectables
Varied selection of
PINE
REPRODUCTIONS
Quilts
Pottery
Tiffany Lamps
Candles
Giftware
Crafts
New Summer Hours: Tues., Wed.
& Sat. 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.
Thurs. & Fri. 10 a.m. to 8 p.m.
Sun. 12 to 8 Closed Mon.
LOCATED BELOW
STAN'S VILLAGE MARKET
SEBRINGVILLE
TEL. 393-6660
zr
November 1979, Village Squire 35