Village Squire, 1979-10, Page 31McGILLICUDDY'S DIARY
Village Squire presents the exclusive
feature: the diary of Ezekial McGillicuddy,
police chief of the village of Hamhocks,
Ontario. Well known for his courageous
battle against the forces of evil, Chief
McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive
rights to his diary' to Village Squire ... for a'
princely sum of course. Each month we
publish a selection of entries from the
previous month.
SEPT.1: I see where down in Toronto some
of the minority groups are screaming about
discrimination by the police. We don't
have any of the minorities around here.
The only real minority we've got in
Hamhocks is me and let me tell you I'm a
victim of discrimination.
We do get people screaming about police
brutality though. Fm in trouble with the
council right now. Some of the kids around
town were having an end of a summer
party. Unfortunately they didn't do what
they usually do and take the party over to
the beach at Maitland where I don't have to
worry about it if they get into trouble. No
this year they had to have it down by the
river. About three in the morning some of
the neighbours from across the river
started complaining about the noise. I
think they were also kind of unhappy about
the fire the gang had going, not so much
the fire itself as the fact a couple of the
guys used a picnic table from one of the
neighbours as firewood. Well anyway I got
the call to go down and do something about
it.
1 took the long way around hoping the
party might have broken up by the time 1
got there but unfortunately in Hamhocks
even taking the long way took me only
seven minutes. The party was still going
strong by the time I got there. There were
about 15 kids still there, well 15 bodies,
about six of them were there in body only.
That left nine for me to try to persuade to
.,go home. Nine against one is not very
good odds. And these guys, and girls, were
not in the mood to let me end their party. I
ended up with some bruises in some very
embarrassing places and felt like 1 would
never move again when I tried to get up
this morning. But I got to work and was
met by the mayor who was screaming
because he'd had phone calls already from
parents upset by the "brutality" I'd used
on their dear sweet youngsters. Said he felt
we should have an investigation into my
conduct.
Now that's what I call brutal.
SEPT. 10: 1 see gold prices are going
sky-high. I wonder if I got some gold paint
and painted the Cockroach if I'd find
somebody sucker enough to buy the little
bug of a cruiser.
SEPT. 15: 1 see the new television series
are on the tube these nights though they
look a lot like the old series. Watched one
the other night about this handsome,
clever guy and his gorgeous wife who go
around solving mysteries and having a
great time even though they're in danger
of being killed six times a show. How
anybody can have a great time when
they're being shot at, bombed and run off
the highway I'll never know. I have a hard
enough time just surviving all the shots
taken at me by town council, ducking the
water -filled baloons thrown at me from the
upper story of the Lamplighter Hotel on
Friday nights when I go in to break up
brawls and not being run off the road by
kids on skateboards when I'm patrolling in
the Cockroach.
But what's the real fiction of the whole
thing is how rich these people are. If 1 was
rich there's no way I'd be running around
putting myself in danger. I'd leave that to
the poor dumb cops. Ah but it's nice to
fanticize along with them. It sure takes a
flight of fancy though to turn the cockroach
and my house into a California mansion.
But even my imagination can't turn Cindy
Lou into that gorgeous dish on the
television screen. I think her imagination
could turn her into my wife quite easily.
SEPT. 24: See they're all excited about a
big oil strike down in Newfoundland. I
wonder, with all that new found wealth
down there if some town might be looking
for a policeman.
SEPT. 26: There's a baseball fever
sweeping the country. Nobody around
here's pay much attention to the Expos
though. They're all tied up in the playoffs
with the Hamhocks Hampsters who are
going for the regional championship for the
first time in the history of the team.
We had some real fun the other night
though. The Hampsters were leading six to
one over the Maitland Metros when the
umpire called the game because of rain
with two out in the bottom of the fourth
inning. If he'd left it just one more out the
Hampsters would have won the game
whether it rained or not but as it was the
whole game has to be played over.
Problem was some of the local
supporters didn't even think it was raining.
They didn't think there was anything more
than dew falling. It didn't help that the
umpire was a brother-in-law of the mayor
of Maitland whose construction company
also just happens to sponsor the Metros. I
don't think this series is going to be a good
creator of understanding between our two
towns. Maybe I can arrange to be out of
town when they play the next game here.
SEPT. 30: The Pope is visiting Ireland and
I see there's real hope he'll be able to
promote peace there. Thank goodness he's
not corning to Hamhocks. I'm afraid it
might promote war here.
We've taken a century to live down the
old fights we used to have between the
Orangemen and the Knights of Columbus.
We almost didn't a few years ago when the
Knights of Columbus tried to have a St.
Patrick's parade and while the boys were
out parading, the Orangemen stole all the
whisky they had stored for a party
afterward. It almost made the problems in
Ireland look like a panty raid until I was
able to get the booze back for the boys. I
hate to see what might happen some year
at the Orange parade.
Tourism is important
to all of us
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•
October 1979, Village Squire 29