Village Squire, 1979-06, Page 24McGILLICUDDY'S DIARY
VWage Squire presents the exclusive
feature: the diary of Ezekial McGillicuddy,
police chief of the village of Hamhocks,
Ontario. Well known for his courageous
battle against the forces of evil, Chief
McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive
rights to his diary to Village Squire ... for a
princely sum of course. Each month we
publish a selection of entries from the
previous month.
MAY 2: Councillor Sally Hemple was back
at her first council meeting since she got
back on council last night and it was just
like old times. Seems she saw me over at
the restaurant the other day and now she's
sure that I'm wasting all my time on coffee
breaks again. 1 tried to tell her that I was
just in there checking to make sure that the
restaurant wasn't pulling any fraud by only
filling the coffee cups half full, but
somehow she didn't believe me. I can see
that I'm going to have to look especially
busy again now that Sally's back in power.
Seems the councillors are at least
keeping up on their reading. Somebody
mentioned about that story from down in
Florida about the police radar tracking
trees travelling 90 miles an hour. Mayor
Lumpy asked me if our radar ever acted up
like that. I said it might be possible that the
radar clocked trees going at 90 miles per
hour but we'd really know there was
'something wrong if it ever tracked our
mini -car police cruiser going that fast. The
Mayor did not appreciate the humour.
I was after them to get me some help
again last night. After all this town is
suppossed to have three policemen and I'm
the only one. As usual, they said we'd have
to keep pretending that we have three men
a little longer because we just haven't got
the money to pay any extra men. They had
more important things that just had to be
done: like redecorating the council
chambers and putting in nice plushy
chairs.
MAY 8: What excitement. A big drug bust
right here in Hamhocks. These things
always seem bigger when they happen
close at band.
One of the boys from the'R.C.M.P. drug
squad was going through town and decided
to drop in for a nice friendly chat. It's
always nice to talk to another cop, when
you're the only one in town, especially to
talk to cops who are in about as much
trouble as you are, and the Mounties
certainly know my feelings.
Anyway, I served a couple of cups of
coffee and 1 guess that was too much for
the Mountie and he had to go to the
washroom before he left. I showed him
where the town hall washrooms were at the
back of the building but he was gone so
long 1 thought he must have gotten lost.
22 Village Squire, June 1979
Finally he showed up again and asked me if
1 had any handcuffs. Seems he used up all
his. He'd found five kids smoking pot in
the washroom when he went in. I guess
they'd been doing that for weeks, figuring
that there wasn't a safer place in town than
right next to the police station.
You know I'd wondered about that
strange smell in the washrooms lately. I
was about to ask the janitor what kind of
deodorant he was using in there. Thought I
might try it at home.
MAY 11: Mother's day's tomorrow but I
don't have to worry about it. I don't have a
mother anymore, if you don't count Cindy
Lou. That lady certainly does a lot of
mothering although I don't think that's
what she has in mind when she's around
me. Mother was never like her. Thank
goodness.
MAY 15: Election fever's really running
high around here. Hal Meachum and
Marty Smith should be in good form,
they've been practicing for over a year
since the last time they thought there
would be an election.
There couldn't be two better candidates.
Hal Meechum is a lawyer and lawyers may
not make great members of parliament but
they make great politicians. They have so
much practice insulting people but using
such technical language nobody knows
they're being insulted. Of course Marty's a
teacher and he's learned a lot of ways of
getting digs in too over the years. The
problem is here that he can't send Hal
down to the principal's office if he talks
back.
MAY 18: Well, so much for a good try. 1
had hoped to get the holiday weekend off
but they told me that I had to stay on duty
to try to control traffic as the tourists
stream through town. If you don't watch
them, the tourists seem to think this is the
Indianapolis Speedway and it's not safe to
cross main street on a summer weekend.
Anyway, I heard about this experiment
down in the States where they got
department store dummies and set them
out in police cars with radar units set up
beside the road. People thought they were
real cops and they slowed down.
I asked the town council last night if we
couldn't do somgthing like that so I could
get the odd weekend off this summer. I
should have known better. It was Sally
Hemple who said it: we've already got one
dummy in the police department and that's
enough.
MAY 25: Well help comes at last if you can
really call it help. Mayor Lumpy told me
last night that he had thought over what I
had said about needed help and he had
decided I was right. So he was going to get
me some help, for the summer at least.
I could hardly believe it but I understood
when I heard who the help would be. You
see my new assistant is Lotta Lumpy, the
mayor's daughter who's home from her
course in nuclear physics. She was
supposed to have had a job as a swimming
instructor in a summer camp this summer
but 1 think when they saw the size of her
they realized there wouldn't be room for
Iter and the kids in the pool at the same
time so they let her go. Oh well, who am 1
to look a gift horse in the mouth. I should
be thankful for small (?) mercies.
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CU(�
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A CHRISTMAS
COUNTRY FAIR
DISPLAY & SALE
OF LOCAL ARTS,
CRAFTS & COUNTRY BAKING.
Wednesday, October 17 and
Saturday, October 20, 1979.
Saltford Valley Hall
north of Goderich
SPECIAL FEATURES INCLUDE:
Metal sculpture by Wm. Clawson,
Camlachle;
wrought iron by James Wallace, Benmiller
Sommersun Glass Works, Dungannon
[Philip Sommer & Pauli Polzin);
Wass & dried flower designing.