Village Squire, 1979-01, Page 24McGILLICUDDY'S DIARY
Village Squire presents the exclusive
feature: the diary of Ezekial McGillicuddy,
police chief of the village of Hamhocks,
Ontario. Well known for his courageous
battle against the forces of evil, Chief
McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive
rights to his diary to Village Squire...for a
princely sum of course. Each month we
publish a selection of entries from the
precious month.
DEC.1: Well the election campaign's on
again. Ever since Mayor Lumpy ' and
Councillor Sally Hempel tied in the election
for mayor back on Nov. • 13 they've been
campaigning like mad to make sure that
when the election's held next time, they'll
have an edge. Somebody let it out that I
didn't vote the last time and so they've
both descended on me. trying to win my
vote. Boy was it nice for a change. They're
falling over themselves to offer me
inducements to vote the right way.
So far the Mayor's offered to get me a
larger police cruiser and a better office.
Sally's promised to do all that plus get me a
nice big plushy chair for my office and has
promised not to complain anymore about
my long coffee breaks. The Mayor's gone
one better. promising all this plus a gift
subscription to Penthouse magazine. Gee
Christmas is coming early this year. I wish
this election wouldn't come for a while yet
because the offers keep escalating.
DEC.7: This will go down in history as a
day of infamy in Hamhocks. Last night they
counted the votes for the election. Mayor
Lumpy won by one vote. I should be happy
but that one vote wasn't mine. Despite the
promise of the subscription to Penthouse. 1
voted for Councillor Hempel because 1
thought she was going to win and wanted
to be on her side. But the Mayor played it
safe and asked Harvey Malcolmson to vote
for hint and offered a free case of whisky if
he did. Harvey couldn't resist the
temptation.
Cindy Lou Quagmire grilled me last
night to find out how 1 voted and tricked me
into telling her. She said she'd give me a
great big kiss if Fd voted for the Mayor so 1
quickly said 1'd voted for Sally. By this
morning. it was all over town.
The Mayor is not a very good winner.
When he heard about my vote he stormed
into my office and said he was going to
oppose all spending for the police
department for the next year. The town
cruiser would have to go without snow tires
this winter and as for the police station
washroom. well if 1 wanted it I'd have to
bring my own toilet paper.
Now why didn't 1 just go down to the
Lamplighter Hotel and get drunk instead of
voting yesterday.
DEC. 12: There's a big fuss down in
Buffalo these days because they've fired
Punch lmlach. We've had our own
controversy around here too.
Last week a group of the parents got
together and demanded the resignation of
old Pop McGinty. Pop's been coaching
hockey since before the first ice rink was
built in 1942. But they say he's just not up
with the times.
Seems the peewee team that Pop
coaches has only won one game this year.
But worse still, they haven't won a good
fight all year long. Pop, you see, won't let
his kids fight. If the other team starts
something he wants he tells the guys to
back off. The other teams usually take
advantage of it and push the kids around.
Some of the mothers are pretty upset
with that. "I don't want my kid growing up
to be a chicken" one said. Everybody's
after Pop to quit but he's getting stubborn
in his old age and refuses.
So they went to the mayor and he said it
wasn't up to him because Pop wasn't a
town employee. So they came to me and I
said unless there was a crime being
committed I couldn't interfere. One of the
fathers said it was a crime that Pop kept
letting his kid get beat up.
Finally after a game last night where the
local boys won because they scored 17
power play goals because the other team
was short handed most of the night, the
parents got Pop in a corner and demanded
he either teach his kids to fight or quit.
When Pop refused one of the parents, who
worked down at the umber yard, told Pop
if he had any guts he'd meet him in the
back alley and they'd have it out once and
for all.
Luckily. cooler heads prevailed. The kids
persuaded their parents to go back to the
Lamplighter for a brew and Pop was saved,
for this time anyway.
DEC. 18: Well the deadline has passed and
the big peace treaty wasn't signed. Oh I
don't mean the one between Egypt and
Israel but the one between Howard
Hillman and Mary Filmore.
The two have been having a war that
makes the 30 years of war between Egypt
and Israel look like a snowball fight. But
last week, after Howard's snowblower put
one of his Doberman Pinscher's bones
through Mary's picture window and hit her
favourite Siamese cat right in the head, I
told them, after they'd stopped the fight
that they were behaving like children and
they should grow up. To my surprise they
agreed that they had been behaving badly
and wanted to do something about it. They
wanted me to be, a mediator but I
suggested Rev. Twickle instead and they
agreed.
Well the Rev. was doing quite well in
getting the various bones of contention
(oohs, sorry about that) ironed out, but he
decided to do a little of his own work too
and persuaded them each to come to
church on Sunday. He preached a sermon
on brotherly love but he made a couple of
goofs. He said people shouldn't fight like
cats and dogs, be a dog in the manger or
make catty remarks. They both decided he
was insulting their pets and told him to go
drown himself in the baptismal font when
he showed up that afternoon do sign the
peace treaty.
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January 1979, Village Squire 21