Village Squire, 1978-09, Page 31McGILLICUDDY'S DIARY
VWage Squire presents the exclusive
feature: the diary of Ezekial McGillicuddy,
police chief of the village of Hamhocks,
Ontario. Well known for his courageous
battle against the forces of evil, Chief
McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive
rights to his diary to Village Squire...for a
princely sum of course. Each month we
publish a selection of entries from the
previous month.
AUGUST 2: I'm supposed to be off on my
vacation this week but I got called back for
special duty. Seems some of the kids in
town want to have a rock concert: that's
where they sit around on a bunch of rocks
in the park and play loud music. Well
•Mayor Lumpy had heard about all the
trouble they'd had at these things over the
years (you know, Woodstock and all) and
he didn't want to have any part of it. But
his son David was the guy who was trying
to organize the whole affair so the show
must go on. The Mayor made sure I was
around to sort of chaperone. Said he didn't
want anybody rolling around stoned at a
rock concert.
Anyway, I went down to the affair last
night not knowing just what to expect. I
mean at Woodstock they had hundreds of
thousands of people and where'd we put
that kind of crowd in Hamhocks. 1 mean
there's only room in the park down by the
river for about 1000 people.
Well knowing Mr. Lumpy Jr. was in
charge should have set my mind at ease. I
should have known that with a man of his
intelligence behind the scheme there
wasn't much to fear.
David had booked three bands, all with
those big speakers about the size of a small
garage. I could just imagine the complaints
I was going to be answering when those
guys turned on their equipment and the
_noise started breaking windows all over
town. But David had seen to that. He
forgot all about the fact that electric guitars
need electricity and there wasn't a plug-in
within a quarter mile. It was the quietest
rock concert in history.
AUGUST 6: Well I'm finally getting my
vacation tomorrow. It was supposed to be
two weeks but with the rock concert and all
I'll only be getting a week now. Overtime
for the week I missed you say? In
Hamhocks? I'm just lucky I didn't have to
pay them for the privilege of working the
extra week.
Anyway tomorrow I can put all this
behind me, at least if Cindy Quagmire
doesn't get her way. Cindy's been hinting
all week how she's in need of a vacation
herself and wondering where I'm going.
Good lord, one of the things I need a
vacation from is Cindy so there's no way
I'd take her with me.
AUGUST 9: I can't believe it. I've been on
vacation for two days and it hasn't rained
yet. It's absolutely great here. I rented a
cottage and haven't had to put up with
Cindy or that darned dog of hers of Mayor
Lumpy or anybody from that town for a
whole three days. It's almost like being
back in the real world.
AUGUST 10: Strike out what I said
yesterday. I just found out that Councillor
Sally Hempel has the cottage two doors up.
She just found out I was down here too. I
had the bad fortune to whistle at a woman
walking by on the beach in her bathing
suit. The councillor doesn't look half bad
when you don't have your glasses on.
Anyway, the councillor was not amused.
Seems she's not used to being whistled at.
You'd think she'd be flattered but instead
she got mad and came up to give her
unknown admirer a good whack in the
chops. When she saw it was me, well she
thought I was just making fun of her. That
made her even madder.
She spent the next half hour telling me
about how immoral I was. Why I probably
had a whole pile of Playboy magazines
stashed away. I told her I didn't, but I had
a life subscription to Penthouse. That
didn't seem to make her feel better.
After she got through lecturing me on
my moral weaknesses she started into
everything that was wrong with the
Hamhocks police department.
So much for getting away from it all.
AUGUST 14: Got back from vacation last
night and went out to the garden for some
lettuce and couldn't believe how much the
weeds had grown in one week. Especially
one weed over in the corn patch that's way
up higher than the corn all of a sudden. It's
a strange weed with funny leaves like I've
never seen before. I should have done
some weeding but what the heck, I'II do it
tomorrow.
AUGUST 15: What a day. what a day. I was
just getting out of bed this morning when
there was a knock on the door. I looked out
and there were two R.C.M.P. officers. 1
opened the door and politely asked the
boys what they wanted and they slapped
me on the chest with a search warrant and
asked where my garden was. I thought I
must be dreaming still because what would
the Mounties want with my garden.
Anyway. I showed them the way to my
garden and said if they were so hungry.
maybe I could fix them some bacon and
eggs. They took one look at that tall weed
in the corn patch and one went to cut it
down while the other turned and told me 1
was under arrest ... for growing marijuana.
Well it took me about half an hour to tell
them that 1 was a police officer and I wasn't
growing anything but corn, lettuce and a
few tomatoes. I finally went into the
bedroom to get my identification out of my
pocket to prove who I was. They followed
me in and when they saw my service
revolver hanging over the bed post they
thought I was trying something funny.
Boy when I get hold of the smart aleck
kid who planted that marijuana seed in my
garden and then sicked the Mounties on
me, he'll be guaranteed a lifetime of
parking tickets.
HURON '78n=
HURON COUNTY
(Area Code 519)
INTERNATIONAL
PLOWING MATCH
September 26 - 30, 1978
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1)G. 30. VILLAGE SQUIRE/SEPTEMBER 1978.
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