Village Squire, 1978-07, Page 31McGILLICUDDY'S DIARY
Village Squire presents the exclusive
feature: the diary of Ezekial McGillicuddy,
police chief of the village of Hamhocks,
Ontario. Well known for his courageous
battle against the forces of evil, Chief
McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive
rights to his diary to Village Squire...for a
princely sum of course. Each month we
publish a selection of entries from the
previous month.
JUNE 3: Oh the fun I had tonight. I wish
1'd taken the weekend off and gone
somewhere peaceful like Rhodesia.
Harriett Moneybanks was having her
annual garden party to raise funds for the
Simon P. Moneybanks Memorial Library.
This year the event was by the
Moneybanks new swimming pool. Cindy
Lou was there, showing off her worse in
her new bathing suit. She took Fifi her
poodle along too.
One of the attractions this year (no it
certainly wasn't Cindy Lou) was Howard
Hillman who was showing off a couple of
his prize dobermans. They'd just won top
prize in a dog show down in the city
recently.
The problem was that Mary Filmore
showed up at the party too and Mary never
goes anywhere without at least one of her
cats. This time she had a nice little Persian
cat with her wno immediately saw the dog,
spat, scratched and jumped on the closest,
highest thing she could find, which
happened to be Major Lumpy's head. He
rias just making his speech to officially
open the garden party at the time.
The Dobermans heard the cat and
immediately broke training. pulling poor
Howard behind them. They upset a table of
fancy sandwiches into the Moneybanks
fancy gold fish pond (the fish didn't seem
to like egg salad sandwiches), and the
punch bowl into the rose garden (the roses
immediately began smiling and stagger-
ing). One doberman hit Major Lumpy
about chest high as he went after the cat.
The Major was standing on the diving
board to make his speech so you can guess
where he ended up. The second dog was in
such a hurry to join the action that he took a
short cut: right through Harriett's legs.
Unfortunately the bridge was just too low
and Harriett. too. took an unscheduled
swim, mink stole and all.
And guess who got the call to clear this
whole mess up? Sometimes I wish Fd have
joined the Foreign Legion.
JUNE 7: Like a lot of places, we're having a
great book debate here abouts these days.
The one side wants to throw all the dirty
books out of the schools while the other
wants to keep 'em in...well at least they
want to keep dirty books out but say these
aren't dirty books. Some of us old timers
are just saying heck, why didn't we take
books like those in school. We might have
stayed in school a little longer.
Not that it kept our minds very clean.
Pornography is in the eye of the beholder
and the guys 1 grew up with got more
kicks from the brassiere section in Eaton's
catalogue than any of these kids would get
from Penthouse. And we didn't wait until
our senior years of high school either. We
knew just about everything by grade eight
and a few of us had tried a good deal of it
too...present company excepted of course.
Anyway, the whole thing's done
wonders for book sales locally. Cec
MacDonald down at the department store
has sold 250 copies of the books the fuss is
about in the last month. Usually he only
sells about 500 books in a whole year and
most of those at Christmas. He says he
thinks he'll try to get the book -banners to
take on some new titles once the sales of
these die down.
JUNE 15: Schools almost out and talking to
that cute teacher Susan Appleby 1 hear it's
just about time. Susan was saying that
about two more weeks and I might be
investigating a murder case involving one
of her students as the victim.
I really feel sorry for the girl in one way,
and in another 1 don't. I mean she may be
going nuts now with 25 kids, but in a
couple of weeks those 25 and about 200
more will be on the street and it will be me
that's going crazy.
At least she gets paid a good price for
her babysitting. When I have to babysit
kids all summer, keeping them amused by
answering false burglary and rape calls, I
have to do it for nothing...well almost. And
I don't get two months off to recuperate.
Boy I wish I could get two months off,
especially if I could spend it recuperating
with Susan Appleby.
JUNE 26: It's garden time again and that
means I get twice as many calls as normal.
Councillor Sally Hempel called me' first
thing this morning demanding I do
something because her prize patch of
strawberries. the ones she'd been planning
to turn into delicious strawberry jam, had
hardly a berry left on it. She was furious
and said the kids, or the neighbours or
someone had picked off all the berries last
night while she was away at a meeting.
Well I solved the case rather easily, I
thought. I asked her if she had a cold glass
of lemonade and when she went to the
refrigerator to get it, she found 35 boxes of
strawberries stacked inside. Seems her
husband and kids had picked the berries
for her while she was away.
How did 1 know she should look in the
fridge? Just call it a detective's natural
instinct...and instinct for a cold drink
anyway.
C4NA4D1
see what forest fires
can do to Canada!
iiwecant afford tobecareless Al
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HOME & CAR STEREO
CB RADIOS
524-4466
SUNCOAST MALL,
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VILLAGE SQUIRE/JULY 1978. PG. 29.