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Village Squire, 1978-03, Page 49McGILLI(UDDY'S DIARY Village Squire presents the exclusive feature: the diary of Ezekial McGillicuddy, police chief of the village of Hamhocks, Ontario. Well known for his courageous battle against the forces of evil, Chief McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive rights to his diary to Village Squire...for a princely sum of course. Each month we publish a selection of entries from the previous month. FEB. 1: Had a call down to the local hockey arena last night. Our finest were doing their worst again. The eight -year-olds were acting just like their parents. They were losing 23-1 and decided they'd win one way or another. They had a bench clearing brawl and I must say they certainly know how to fight. even if they don't know how to skate, check and score. There were 12 different skirmishes and the local boys led 10-2. The whole thing started when Major Lumpy's dumpy son hit the other team's goalie over the head with a hockey stick. But the real toughy in the whole thing was Councillor Sally Hemple's offspring. Sally had to threaten to vote against the subsidy for the arena committee before she could get them to allow the kid to play and here the kid was beating up no less than two of the other teams biggest players. doing the town real proud. And to think they thought young Sue would be too soft and fragile to play in hockey. But did you ever try to break up a fight among 10 year olds? Let me tell you. I'll take a brawl at the Lamplight Hotel anytime. You can't get tough with the little devils because there are a couple of hundred parents and relatives watching on just waiting to yell "police brutality". But the kids aren't feeling restricted. They see it as a chance to get you back for every time you found them loitering in the post office steps at midnight and told them to go home. And how was I supposed to get Lumpy junior and that little honey Hemple out of the fight without getting their parents mad and finding my pay cheque cut by 50 per cent after the next emergency council meeting. Sometimes I wish I'd become a garbage collector. FEB. 6: Cindy Lou. God bless her, has gone south, and 1 feel a little warm spell right here now that she's gone. What a wonderful feeling to know that for the next two weeks I won't have to worry about that female trying to sink her claws into me. She was pretty upset last night before she left. Her boss made a sarcastic remark asking if she was going to take a vacation from vacationing when she gets back so she can work for a couple of weeks. What a nerve. Cindy Lou told me. She only took a spring vacation, a summer vacation. a fall vacation, and a winter vacation for heavens sake. You can't keep your nose to the grindstone all the time. One thing worries me about her vacationing, though. She bought a new bathing suit for the trip. She modelled it for me last night and boy is it skimpy. I'm worried that when she gets down in Florida walking around in that thing it could cause an international incident. It certainly isn't a friendly act of Canada to export that body in that bathing suit. FEB. 15: Howard Hillman and Mary Filmore are at it again. (Ho hum so what's new). 1 thought for a minute last week that my troubles were over when I went and drove by Howard's house and saw a for sale sign on the front lawn. I thought how peaceful it would be without the two living beside each other. Howard even had an interested buyer for the place but then Mary threw a wrench in the gears. She claims that Howard is trying to sell 10 feet of her property even though it's inside his fence. She even says that the for sale sign is on her property. They had a great time moving that for sale sign back and forth, driving the pointed stake in here or there, until finally Mary drove it right into Howard's foot. He's in the hospital now and the sale's off, at least until he recovers. FEB. 23: They've got a big meeting going on up in Ottawa these days talking about the price of food. The farmers are worried that they're going to take the blame for the high cost of food and the consumer associations seem ready to blame them. All I know is that my brother Harry is a farmer and he hasn't,had a vacation in three years. The only farmers I know who take vacations are the ones that have wives that are teachers, nurses or book-keepers. Meanwhile Millie Vanderwylie and presi- dent of the local consumers group, is off for a month vacation in the Virgin Islands. She had a bad case of the flu so decided that was the best way to get rid of it. She might run into Milton Mildew, the local supermarket owner somewhere along the way. He's in Jamaica for a couple of weeks. He couldn't afford any more time off, he said, because he's planning a European tour this summer and has to save up. FEB. 27: Oh the fun of it all. The teachers are picketing up at the high school today. They're striking because they don't want so many kids in their classes. It all seems so ironic because most of the kids don't want to be there either. Anyway, everybody's going around saying all kinds of self-righteous things about the kids being victims in this battle and that the other side is responsible for it. Meanwhile the "victims" are having the time of their lives. Half of them are up north skiing while the other half is in the pool hall. If anybody's a victim of this whole thing it's me. I have to put up with the little devils all the time these days. I *sed to have at least a few hours break a day while the teachers had their fun. Now I have them 24 hours a day. And I can't strike over class size, either. Diana Scott does custom sewing from her own house in Goderich. whether it's formal or casual, Diana will make it -- beautifully. 84 Waterloo St. S. Goderich, 524-9394 Please call for appointment. `-UIQh Q i*° -,1 Sewitig cKOOVn VILLAGE SQUIRE/MARCH 1978, PG. 47.