Village Squire, 1978-04, Page 49McGILLKUDDY'S DIARY
Village Squire presents the exclusive
feature: the diary of Ezekiel McGillicuddy,
police chief of the village of Hamhocks,
Ontario. Well known for his courageous
battle against the forces of evil, Chief
McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive
rights to his diary to Village Squire...for a
princely sum of course. Each month we
publish a selection of entries from' the
previous month.
March 1: Well. Howard Hillman got out of
the hospital today and right away the battle
went on over who owns the 10 -foot strip
between he and Mary Filmore's house that
he tried to sell. (You'll remember last
month Mary drove the stake from the for
sale sign right through Howard's foot).
Well Howard decided. the best way to lay
his claim to the territory was to move his
dog house onto that strip complete with his
Doberman pinscher. That way Mary
wouldn't go near the property.
Unfortunately one of Mary's 37 cats did
and the Doberman may have been a little
hungr because he decided he wanted the
cat for lunch. He made a lunge for the cat,
the cat took off across Mary's back yard
and so did dog and dog house. The
Doberman dragged the dog house until it
got caught on the clothesline pole and
couldn't pull it any more. Now the dog and
doghouse are trapped in Mary's back yard.
She's too scared to go out the back door to
do anything about it because she hates
dogs, but she sits on the back porch with an
air rifle threatening to shoot Howard if he
steps on her property.
Guess who got called in to solve the'
problem? And you know what, the
Doberman likes the taste of a policeman's
leg almost as much as he likes cats. When
the stitches come out I'll go back and try
again. In the meantime they'll just have to
continue the stalemate.
March 8: Everybody's always talking about
the falling dollar. It seems there's no place
where you can say "the buck stops here"
anymore.
I know all about falling dollars. Mine's
been falling for the last Three years. Last
year the town had to build a new bridge
after one got washed out in the spring
floods. They had to cut back so guess
where they cut back? My salary of course.
The year before they had to buy a new
table and chairs for the council chambers
(nice soft ones almost like feather beds) so
I lost the raise they'd promised me. I
wonder what the emergency will be this
year.
March 15: I've been doing a lot of sitting
the last few days after the luncheon
engagement with Howard's dog and I've
been looking at the seed catalogues. I don't
know why 1 bother but every year about
this time I get a great urge to plant things.
There's something magic about seeing all
those possible plants you could buy.
Looking at the catalogue illustrations 1
have this uncontrollable urge to plant egg
plant this summer. I mean hardly anybody
else in town grows egg plant. Heck I could
grow a lot of egg plant in the back yard,
probably even sell some to Milton Mildew
at the supermarket. I'd corner the market.
Yeh, 1 could make some money so I
wouldn't need the raise the town council's
not going to give me anyway. Yeh. Sure.
What a great idea.
Whoop, I just remember something. I
hate eggplant. Come to think of it,
everybody I know hates eggplant....Well
maybe I could grow green peppers instead.
March 21: If this is spring, forget it. It's not
been a bad winter as winters go but frankly
I wish this winter would just go.
March 23: Still haven't come up with a
solution to the Doberman problem. I got a
box of bones from the butcher and drive by
to throw one to the dog every day. It should
be Howard's job but if he threw a bone in
Mary's backyard, she'd charge him with
littering.
March 25: They're having an amateur
stripper night down at the Lamplight Hotel
next week and not everybody's happy
about it. I've had several ladies call me,
upset about it (strangely no men have
complained). Most of them are mothers of
teenage girls but I don't think they have to
worry. From what I know of their
daughters they might not qualify as
amateurs anyway.
I've been kidding Councillor Sally
Hemple that she should enter. She's had
some practice after all with her famous
skinny-dipping episode at the beach one
night last summer.
Last night, however, the whole affair
became no laughing matter. Cindy Lou
next door came over for a visit and started
joking about entering the contest. I'm sure
she was just flirting, trying to make me
think how daring she was. I hope she was
joking. After seeing Cindy Lou in her
bathing suit I'd have to lay charges if she
took it all off at the Lamplight. Nothing I
could think of would be a more indecent
exhibition.
tar
Youm��e
uP
Richard Scarry Children's Books
Helen Steiner Rice Cards
Sunday School Supplies
Christian Fiction
Records
Plaques
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and for those who aren't so close
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KINCARDINE. ONTARIO
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*Amor aLlika4...tetrAMAL-nocr-o
VILLAGE SQUIRE/APRIL 1978. PG. 47.
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