Village Squire, 1977-05, Page 32McGillicuddy' s Diary
The Village Squire presents the
exclusive feature: the diary of Ezekial
McGillicuddy, police chief of the village of
Hamhocks, Ontario. Well known for his
courageous battle against the forces of evil,
Chief McGillicuddy has agreed to give
exclusive rights to his diary to the Village
Squire...for a princely sum of course. Each
month we publish a selection of entries
from the previous month.
APRIL 1: Well, the phone was ringing all
day, as usual on April 1. People in this
town just naturally think of me when they
think of the April Fool. I went on a lot of
wild goose chases: you have to, you never
know when they could be serious. One call
I didn't bite on though. The lady said
somebddy had stolen her goat and was
holding it for ransom of $5000. I told her
she wasn't going to make a goat out of me
and hung up.
APRIL 5: Went to town council meeting
last night. I told them that since they
insisted on buying that little mini -car as the
new police cruiser, at least they should fix
the pot holes in the streets. I'm afraid I
might lose the car while I'm out on patrol.
Luckily the darm thing hasn't come yet.
I'm sure enjoying the old girl with the hole
in the floorboards more than I ever did
before.
APRIL 10: Easter Day and somehow I
always end up going to church whether I
ever make it any other day of the year of
not. Cindy Lou Quagmire, my next door
neighbour always drags me out for Easter.
Says she has to have someone to take her
arm when she shows off her Easter finery. I
think the Easter finery she's most like to
show off is me, but I'm not as easy to
acquire as a new suit of clothes. She keeps
trying, though.
Some people would call Cindy Lou an old
maid. 1 don't like the term myself, but if
there's anyone I'd call an old maid it's
Cindy Lou. Going to church with her on
Easter reminds me of old times when I had
to go with mother.
APRIL 11: Got in a bit of a tiff with Mike
O'Riley, the street foreman today. Seems
he took exception to my remark about the
pot holes in the streets. He threatened to
pop me one in the mouth if 1 didn't shut up
about it. I reminded him that I was a police
officer and he couldn't hit me. He said he'd
find me when I was off duty.
APRIL 15: Things have been so quiet lately
with the Howard and Mary story that I got
curious today as to what was going on.
Drove by just to have a look. Turns out
Mary has been off to Vancouver with her
sister Roup ever since we got that horrible
weather back in February. No wonder
things have been peaceful. Won't last too
long, though. The good weather's back and
Mary will likely be back with it. When she
does, my job will get lively again. While
she was gone Howard built a big fence
between her place and his. I'll bet it's at
least two feet on her property. I wonder if I
could take a month's holidays about now?
30, VILLAGE SQUIRE/MAY 1977.
Apri118: What a weekend. I tried to get
the lawnmower tuned up (why do I always
leave it so late when I've got all winter). I
had a heck of a time getting the darned
thing started, then went to try it out in the
back yard. I'd just barely started whn
there was a loud band. I felt as if my
kneecap had just been hit by an atomic
bomb, and the picture window in the
diningroom shattered into a million pieces.
I was practically fainted from the pain in
my knee but all I could hear was Cindy
Lou's poddle Fifi yowling at the top of her
lungs.
I hobbled into the house and there sitting
right on the diningroom table was a bone.
It had glanced off me and through the
window. It dawned on me then why Fifi
had been so upset. I'd wrecked her bone.
I practically had to crawl over to Cindy
Lou's, bone in hand to show her what her
dog had done by leaving a bone in my back
yard. But my knee and my broken window
didn't fizz on her: she was just worried
about poor Fifi and the traumatic
impression losing her bone might have.
April 21: Mike O'Riley is mad again. He
heard I'd told one of the councillors they
should give all the kids in town free
swimming lessons or some of them might
drown in some of the potholes come the
next rain.
April 31: The new police cruiser came
today. I nearly cried. I asked the mayor if I
couldn't please keep the old cruiser and
just put this one in the trunk in case of
emergencies. He didn't think I was funny.
Neither did I.
Lord, I hope we don't get any speeding
cyclists in this town. I'm not sure I could
catch them.
1 guess 1 won't be having any coffee
breaks with the boys from the O.P.P.
anymore....for their sake of course.
They'd be laughing at me so hard they'd
choke on their coffee...really die laughing.
Perform a
death -defying
act.
Fatless
saturated fat.
Give Heart Fund 1I't
reiot .
Olt
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vytei
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