Village Squire, 1976-11, Page 39Chief McGillicuddy's Diary
All good magazines these days are
publishing the memoires of this or that
famous public official. Village Squire is
among them.
Having unfortunately failed * in the
bidding for the memoires of John
Diefenbaker, Richard Nixon, Henry Kissin-
ger and Margaret Trudeau, we are
delighted to tell you that we have secured
the rights to the diary of Ezekial
McGillicuddy. For the few readers who
may not know who Ezekial McGillicuddy is,
it should be revealed of course that he is
the famous police chief of the village of
Hamhocks. Ontario well known for his
courageous battle against the forces of evil.
For a princely sum Chief McGillicuddy has
agreed to give Village Squire sole
publishing rights to his diary and to keep
readers up to date we will publish excerpts
monthly covering the former month.
OCT. 1: Wow, what a hectic day. Gave out
three parking tickets, a speeding violation.
found a lost child and investigated a
murder. The first three were pretty routine
although it was the first time I've had to
crawl into a storm sewer to find a kid in a
while. but the murder was a little more
interesting.
Well. murder was at least what it was
called in as. Mary Filmore kept screaming.
"There's been a murder. There's been a
murder. Come and get that blankety-blank
murderer." Well I hurried over complete
with my shot gun and finger -print kit and
approached the place like the whole Mafia
was having a shooting match on the front
lawn.
Turned out Howard Hillman. Mary's
next door neighbour had run over one of
Mary's cats when he went to sleep on -
Howard's driveway right behind the car
wheels. The cat was D.O.A.
Mary was screaming and crying and
threatening revenge. She and Howard
have been at it before because Mary keeps
lord knows how many cats around the
house (personally, 1 don't know how she
even missed this one to know it was dead)
and Howard, who lives right next door,
raises doberman pinsers. Has about six in
the back yard...well they're in the back
yard most of the time when they're not half
way up a tree in Mary's back yard after her
cats which are all the way up a tree. You
think they keep me busy. you should see
how busy Chief McMillan and - the fire
department are.
Anyway by the time 1 got there Froward
and Mary were going at it loud and long on
the driveway calling each other some
pretty vicious names. I came to investigate
a murder and before it was over laid two
charges of assault on Mary for kicking
Howard in the shin, one case of break and
enter against Howard for throwing the
dead cat through Mary's picture window.
had my face scratched by three of Mary's
cats who came to protect her and my pant
leg torn to shreds by two of the dobermans
who were trying to get the cats that were
sitting on my cap spitting at them. And to
think I quit a nice quiet job with the
Montreal bomb squad to come to this town.
OCT. 9: Tomorrow's Thanksgiving and
while everybody else's home eating turkey
and pumpkin pie, I'll be out sitting .in the
cruiser by the railway bridge trying to
catch speeders. 1'd rather be home but the
mayor ordered me to work. Says it will be
the last chance this year to get tourists on
the way to the cottage and the police
budget is running low. I wouldn't mind it
so much if the reason the budget was low
wasn't because the mayor went to the
police convention in Vancouver last month
and paid for it out of the budget. I, of
course. stayed home. A town can do
without a mayor for a few days, but not the
police chief.
OCT. 12: Had a real argument with the
town council last night. Still trying to get
them to pay for the pair of pants Howard's
dobermans mangled during the murder
investigation. Councillors said that actually
I wasn't on duty at the time since I was
called to the scene at 4:50 and was
supposed to be off duty at 5. The darned
dobermans didn't attack until 5:10 so some
of the councillors say I was on my own time
and should pay for the pants myself. So
much for dedication to duty.
OCT. 15: In trouble again! Damn I wish
those councillors would tell me when they
get new cars. Saw this new Ford parked
overtime in front of the hotel so gave it a
ticket. How was I to know it was Councillor
Harris'. Now I'll have to listen to the next
three council meetings to her complaining
about all the coffee breaks I take.
OCT. 23: Still arguing over the pant leg.
They've agreed at least to pay half the cost
of a new pair of pants since I was on duty
half the time before the incident happened.
Wonder if I could get just one new leg to
replace the one torn?
OCT. 29: The Mayor's declared tomorrow
night to be Hallowe'en this year even
though it's supposed to be Sunday. I'll bet
the little beggars make it both nights.
1 hate Hallowe'en. 1 used to love it when
I was a kid and was the doer. But now I'm
the doee and it isn't so much fun. One man
trying to control the kids of this town is like
carrying water in a sieve.
Last year they set fire to Ed thompson's
outhouse and while I was trying to put it
out before it spread to his back porch the
little (explitive deleated) stole the cruiser.
Luckily I'd been so busy I forgot to fill the
tank with gas and they ran out a block
down the street. How would I have
explained that to the mayor.
OCT. 31: 1 don't get it. The night's about
over and all's quiet. Same last night. About
the only damage was some dirty
suggestions written on the cruiser windows
with wax crayon. What are the kids coming
to anyway?
YOU'RE l\"VITED TO ATTEND
OUR NEWLY EXPANDED
Bazaar
Festival
with a superb selection of
crafts and culinary delights.
Ontario St. United Church
CLINTON
r- ! Saturday, Nov. 20
2:30 - 4:30 p.m.
FROM THE MAIN CHI R< 11
- ENTRANCE WALK DOWN
.\
THE NEW "FESTIVAL MALL"
and shop our boutiques
•something for every taste and
pocket, including children.
FEATURING:
•The Pastry Shop - pies and
sweets
•The Doug Basket - homemade
bread, rolls, cakes, etc. .
*delicatessen
-baked beans, salad dressing,
quiche Lorraine, barbequed
chicken wings, 2 week cabbage
salad.
COUNTRY KITCHEN
-produce, eggs, jams. preserves
SEWING BASKET
-crocheting, embroidery, aprons
-knitting, crib quilts, aphgan
-doll clothes
FLEA MARKET
"Where someone's castaways
are your treasures."
THE FLOWER POT
-dried flowers, plant hangers,
-violets, spider plants etc.
SWEETS 'N TREATS
-Featuring "Fun for the
Children"
-fish pond
-grab bags
-used books, toys and games
-homemade candy
FESTIVAL BOUTIOUE
•Christmas arrangements and
wreaths
•Unique handmade gifts
*Homemade mincemeat, carrot
puddings and chrisrmas cakes
•unusual Christmas tree orna-
ments
SOUVENIR AND SPECIAL
ORDER SHOP
-Church calendars. plates and
mugs
-leave your order it what yo1,
wanted eras sold, we may b,
FF:STR Al. TEA ROOM
shopping. rela.\
in the tearoom with
/mcy sandwiches. squares. tea
-music for your listening pit'a-
sure.
Village Squire/November 197b, 37