Loading...
HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Lucknow Sentinel, 1986-02-26, Page 27CounseIl:ing focuses on marriage commitment by James Friel Before couples stand before theminister on their wedding day, most have met with the clergyman to discuss their lives before, during and after the wedding ceremony. Ministers at both Lucknow United Church and St. Peter's Anglican Church in Lucknow ask prospective couples to meet for discussions designed to get them. think- ing about all aspects of married life, in- cluding the meaning of the ceremony itself. "It's very important that couples look at the kind of commitment they're making to each other. When they enter into marriage they have a serious responsibility to each other and to God," says Rev. Marelyn Let- son of St. Peter's Anglican Church. "They may need help to look at aspects of marriage and their relationship with one another. It's my responsibility to help with this because I'mmarrying them and they should really look at that commitment." • "In our church, marriage is a sacrament made before God and to each other and the significance of this -needs to be address- ed." Letson's earlier career as a public health nurse gives her some of the background r, she needs to conduct these sessions with couples. • She also taught communications at university and worked with family dynamics and beginning family therapy at Shedoke Hospital. The number of sessions •can be between three and five "because each -couple is dif- ferent. The main emphasis or what is focused on in our conversations depends on the couple," she says. . At first she asks the couple about their relationship and itsdevelopment and then goes on to stress the need for communica- tion in marriage. "They are encouraged to listen with respect and compassion and encouraged to share their day to day lives as well as the crisis situations to enable their relation- ship to deepen." Ways of deaiieg with conflicts are looked at at with the focus on giving, rather than creating a win -lose situation. "Each person should try to identify what is needed from the other partner. If one partner's needs are extremely high, it doesn't allow the other person to be fulfill- ed either," says Letson. Discussion on strengths and weaknesses the -two individuals bring to the marriage from their backgrounds is also held. This leads to an exercise in, which each half of the couple writes what he or she ap- " • . preciate about the other. Letson says there are usually some surprises. Of course, trust is an important issue which is investigated by the third meeting. And, as ' important as trust is, the realiza- tion that each person is also an individual is explored. "We look.at the balance between being a separate person and a partner in a mar- riage. For a relationship to be healthy, the two people should see themselves as in- dividuals." The experience of faith is as important in the discussions as the need far com- munication. "If a couple is to be married within the church, they should recognize God as cen- tral to their love. Marriage as a celebra- tion needs recognition of God as: central to the covenant the couple is making." . Letson says, the love -Jesus Christ had for man should be the model couples take for v�a�i�ons lo exibress dour` verb 0/A214- mare."-- .4 /,r2n-. you have a specific style and wording in mind for your invilalions, we invite you to stop in.. can show you an extensive r sel1 ection and you're sure to jind" ""your style". atom, %D; the love between each other. Membership in a Christian community is also part of the counselling. "A Christian community is a place where faith is nur- tured -and people are given support throughout their lives. A relationship can. 'grow through that." Recognition of the place God has in the marriage ceremony is also stressed by Rev. Warren McDougall.. Couples are often primarily thinking about the ritual of the ceremony and not about what is being said. The concentration on the wedding day has another effect, "It's hard to get couples to think about marriage beyong the wedding," says McDougall. The number of His sessions depends on where the couple lives. Many of the mar- riages he perforins are for people who have left the Lucknow area, but return to say their grows. In most instances, he sees a couple three tiMes. The first meeting is primarily to get to know the couple and find out some biographical details. The inevitable government forms are filled out at that time as well. The second.. session features a "marriage preview _questionnaire" which each in- dividual fills out. There,are four, categories with from : four to 17.questionsto fill out. At the third ;session the results of :the questionnaire are reviewed. McDougall • tries to point out where there may be areas of conflict and..if health or legal pro- blems' are evident, he tries to direct the two to the proper professionals for advice. McDougall, who has •a degree in psychology, also asks couples about their religious°attitudes: • ."Usually P they're pretty reluctant. o .: Y discuss which church they attend. Unfor- tunately, it's not very important to a lot of them." He questions who they , believe should be responsible for spiritual leadership in the home; especially with children.,, "Sometimes answers can be vague because'they haven't thought of it ,very much."