The Rural Voice, 1983-10, Page 59by Gisele Ireland
A columnist in a major Toronto
newspaper recently devoted his
editorial to rural women. He came
across information that indicated that
rural couples in financial distress
turned to each other more frequently
sexually to derive comfort, rather
than innovative entertainment. He
pointed out that, "Farm couples in
their simple, bucolic way, have just
not caught up with city folk, who
have long since moved beyond sex for
motives as mundane and old-
fashioned as fun and comfort. Maybe
these farm folk, stuck as they are out
in the boondocks, in the stagnant
backwaters of modern sexuality, have
not yet heard about bondage, edible
underwear and other hip new
wrinkles on the marital bed sheets."
He goes on to suggest that Farmer
Brown addicted to Bloody Caesars
before breakfast, or lacing Mrs.
Brown in the chops from sheer
frustration, is not newsworthy. A tus-
sle between the soon -to -be -
repossessed sheets is. He is sure that
there are urbans willing to make the
ultimate sacrifice and come out and
"wise us up."
As a rural woman, and the mother
of four children, I take exception to
this uninformed self-styled expert of
sexuality in rural areas.
I don't know how the rest of you
ladies managed it, but I had little luck
in finding babies under cabbage
leaves. I found the activity that
resulted in progeny relatively simple
to grasp. It was certainly easier than
Country Capers
learning how to operate machinery or
shovelling out pig pens.
Since most of my friends in the
stagnant backwaters also have
families, I assume that they managed
to master this mystic event without
instruction kits from the urban cen-
tres.
I naively considered this marital ac-
tivity as a gesture of mutual love and
support between me and my spouse
rather than a form of entertainment.
Had I had access to this expert's
storehouse of knowledge on the sub-
ject, I would have requested techni-
que improvements and been versed
enough to peddle my wares profes-
sionally on the boondock concessions
and paid my interest arrears. Alas, I
was not talented enough.
I must admit that the fun and
games aspect of this activity are
somewhat tempered by exhaustion in
rural areas. After a 14-16 hour day of
vigorous physical labour, providing
fodder for the ungrateful, there is lit-
tle stamina to play Tarzan and Jane
and swing from light fixtures.
Anyone who has had the pleasure of
handling hay bales all day will ap-
preciate settling for just a comfor-
table cuddle between the supposedly
soon -to -be -repossessed sheets. In-
stead of sending urbans to "wise us
up" in the ways of the modern world,
they should perhaps become the
students. Basic knowledge about
animal husbandry and crop produc-
tion would eliminate the possibility of
having to eat carpet soup on the
seventh floor of a high rise if the rural
women get so engrossed with this
novel activity and stop producing
goodies for their tables.
If this columnist feels that sexual
education is so important to the twits
in the barley field and so long over-
due, have him suggest it as a make-
work program for the unemployed
and send them out to us by the
busload. After a day of digging
postholes by hand in a mosquito -
infested swamp, we'll see how in-
novative these instructors are. I can
just imagine the kinky ideas that will
occur to the guy who has been stack-
ing bales all day in a 100 degree mow.
His first priority would likely be fin-
ding a painless way of uncurling his
hot little hands from the bale string.
Bondage I don't need any help
with; I have an intimate knowledge of
this subject. The financial institutions
that are serving farmers have honed
this particular knife razor keen.
Many a farmer is being held below
the belt financially and if this is enter
tainment...I'll pass.
I must admit that the edible panties
stumped me. How could our local
stores have missed featuring this hot
little item as a special. I would suggest
that the guy stock up on them and
keep them handy. They might be his
only source of nourishment if we
decide that we have had enough of
this bucolic existence and quit. Bon
appetit! ❑
Gisele Ireland is a pork producer
from Bruce county and has a regular
column in The Rural Voice.
WARD
MALLETTE
CHARTERED
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THE RURAL VOICE, OCTOBER 1983 PG. 57