The Rural Voice, 1983-07, Page 45OVER THE BACK FENCE
Running Amok
by Tom Maplewood
I took a shot at this new craze, jogging.
It's supposed to be good for the heart,
hips, haunches and flabby flesh in
general and some even toot it as an
aphrodisiac. As with all great sports
there are a mess of techniques and tricks
that have to be followed just so, if you
are to do it right; such as proper wearing
apparel, precise jogging procedures and
a host of other items conjured up to make
a simple idea complicated.
It's not enough to slog up the street in
an old pair of jeans and a T-shirt. This
isn't done. You have to "look" like a
jogger. Start off with a pair of special
shoes. You can only buy them at
expensive sports stores and if you pay
under $80 you can consider you have
bought "junk" which should never be
allowed near your feet. So say those who
"know" what is best. Of course you must
wear a jogging suit color -co-ordinated to
match the shoes. They have more types
of these things then they do wedding
gowns anymore and I wouldn't be
surprised that they cost more, too. Load
yourself up with the little extras, like
headbans and wrist straps, special
socks, jock and jill straps and a jogger's
watch which sombrely advises you how
many kilometres of gravel you have
tromped on. You may also want to lug
along a water canteen.
Jogging has a certain style to it. You
must look the part. Don't run. That is
another sport altogether. Joggers huff
and puff more. To do it right, bounce
along from one foot to another as if you
were trying to avoid oodles of tiny mud
puddles strategically located in the path
ahead. Take short steps. Joggers re-
semble hobbled horses. They have to be
trained to it. Tie your shoelaces together
if you find that helps. It is important to
look pooped out and exhausted anytime
someone ambles by. You must always
keep your body on a slant as if you are
falling over. Practise this by leaning
forward, stiff, as far as you can. Just
before falling, kick out and back with
both feet. This should propel you
forward. Be sure you- have lots of free
space around you when you try this until
you get it perfected. Repeat the proce-
dure for five or six kilometres until it
becomes second nature. Don't forget to
sweat. This always impresses.
It wouldn't be fair to get you all
cranked up about jogging without pass-
ing lightly over some of the safety rules.
Never jog on the road. People who do
this show no class. Serious joggers kick
up dust along the side of the road, even
ditches and plowed fields have been
tried. Be careful with dark sunglasses.
They look cool but have a propensity to
render invisible such pieces of scenery as
parking meters and hydro poles. Chance
meetings with these items can shatter
more than your confidence.
Avoid fresh cow pies. These are the
natural enemy of the jogger. The fresher,
the worse. They have been designed to
adhere to the tread of jogging shoes
conferting them to something akin to
roller skates with upsetting results. Kids
today like to leave their shoelaces untied.
Try to stick to one craze at a time as this
last could create the impression with
some that you are a drunkard loose in his
pyjamas. But then again, as we said, in
jogging, style is everything.
Keep smilin'.
Tom Maplewood, originally from the
Ottawa Valley is a Stratford resident and
freelances as a writer of humour. The
name. Tom Maplewood is a pseudonym
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THE RURAL VOICE, JULY 1983 PG. 43