Village Squire, 1980-10, Page 41McGILLI(UDDY'S DIARY
Village Squire presents the exclusive
feature: the diary of Ezekiel McGillicuddy,
police chief of the village of Hamhocks,
Ontario. Well known for his courageous
battle against the forces of evil, Chief
McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive
rights to his diary to Village Squire . . . for
a princely sum of course. Each month we
publish a selection of entries from the
previous month.
Labouring as usual
on Labour Day
SEPT. 1: Labour Day and I'm
labouring again. They were having this
big garden party over in Maitland at the
mayor's house there. The Lt . Governor
was up for the opening of a new
swimming pool in the town and Mayor
Calvin Kibble was showing off as usual.
He's a remarkable man. When he was
elected mayor 15 years ago he lived in
one of those post-war matchbox houses
on a tiny lot on the wrong side of town.
Today he's a testimony to the powers of
democracy. He lives over by the lakeside
in one of the old mansions the grain
barons built by the harbour. Marvellous
what rewards there can be for serving the
public so faithfully.
Anyway, Kibble and our Mayor Lumpy
haven't gotten along for years. I think it
started about 10 years ago when Maitland
was looking for a new garbage dump and
Kibble suggested Hamhocks. Lumpy
figures he's been dumped on ever since.
Anyway, Lumpy wanted to make a pretty
big impression for the garden party so he
hired a Rolls for the day and since a Rolls
wouldn't look much without a chauffeur
he had to find one. Guess who's name
lept immediately to mind? That's right.
Why he could even save money on a
uniform. He just made me take off my
badge and all the other police trimmings
and I was an instant chauffeur.
Well he made sure it was an entrance.
He arrived 15 minutes late and had me
pull right up to the front door. I wonder
that he didn't get somebody to play a
trumpet fanfare to get a little more
attention. I guess I shouldn't complain
too much. He might have made me carry
his train but he decided renting long
robes was overdoing it a bit. No, not
overdoing the pomp, overdoing the
pocketbook.
I'm used to working days when
everybody else is having a holiday so
standing around guarding the car wasn't
too bad. But standing around working
while everybody is having a party on the
lawn in clear sight is a little too much. I
mean I didn't even get lunch because 1
was polishing the car and here they were
with champagne and roast duck and huge
salads and...well my eyes started water-
ing and 1 couldn't see the rest.
I finally couldn't take it anymore and
walked down the street to get a
hamburger. Cost me a lot of money, that
hamburger: $1.50 for the burger and
chips and $5 for the parking ticket the
Maitland police stuck on my window
while I was away. The Mayor pay for it
you say? Would the Ayatollah pay for the
Shah's funeral?
Even if the Mayor had been inclined to
pay a parking ticket I wouldn't have had
the nerve to ask him when he came back
from the party. His entrance may have
been grand but his exit left something to
be desired. He was proposing a toast to
the Lt. Governor very graciously when
Kibble bumped his arm and he spilled the
champagne all down the front of Her
Honour's dress. Lumpy figured it was on
purpose and pushed Kibble's face in a
bowl of chip dip. Before it could turn into
a scene from a Monty Python movie the
Lt. Governor's Aide de Camp escorted
the Mayor to the car and told me to take
him home.
The Mayor's good luck wasn't over
though. We had a flat tire on the Rolls on
the way home. Or maybe I should say my
luck. I had to change the tire.
SEPT. 2: Cindy Lou Quagmire very
sweetly offered to sew all my badges back
on my uniform last night. I didn't
discover until I got to work today she
sewed them on upside down.
SEPT. 8: Got my exercise today. I parked
the cruiser at the top of the hill over on
the east side while I tried to find one of our
senior citizens' false teeth which she
swore someone stole from the glass
beside her bed last night (actually she
had taken off her glasses before she took
out her teeth and put them in the flower
vase instead of the glass). Anyway, the
parking brake gave out just as I was
coming back out of the house and the car
started rolling down the hill with me
chasing it.
One of the neighbours saw it and
wondered if I was practicing to do my own
bit to help Terry Fox. After seeing the
television show last night where they
raised $8 million 1 was wondering if I
should try it to raise money for my own
good cause: increasing the salary of the
Chief of Police. Only problem is I don't
think I'd get much money donated for a
marathon that only lasted three blocks
with one leg or two, is all I'd last.
SEPT. 13: Well 1 sat down today and
listened to the speeches at the end of the
constitutional conference. I gained more
respect for the efficiency of our own
Hamhocks town council after that. 1 mean
those big time, well paid politicians sat
there for a whole week and accomplished
absolutely nothing. Our town council can
accomplish the same thing in one night.
SEPT. 14: Mayor Kibble from Maitland
did his little thing to try to smooth over
the troubles that came out of the garden
party mess. Mayor Lumpy isn't too happy
though. Kibble sent him a dime so at
least he wouldn't get a parking ticket next
time he went to Maitland. Mayor Lumpy
was so mad he threw the dime in the
wastebasket. I fished it out. I can use it
the next time I have to use the office
washroom.
Shady Rest
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351 Main St.
Exeter, Ont. NOM 1S0
(519) 235-0299
VILLAGE SQUIRE/OCTOBER 1980 PG. 39