Village Squire, 1980-05, Page 25McGILLKUDDY'S DIARY
Village Squire presents the exclusive
feature: the dairy of Ezekial McGillicuddy,
police chief of the village of Hamhocks,
Ontario. Well known for his courageous
battle against the forces of evil, Chief
McGillicuddy has agreed to give exclusive
rights to his diary to Village Squire. . . for
a princely sum of course. Each month we
publish a selection of entries from the
previous month.
APRIL 1: Can't believe how quiet things
were today. Usually I h ave a half dozen calls
at least reporting various heinous crimes
that were supposed to be taking place in
town. Sometimes I forget what day it is and
get caught. This year I was all ready for
AprilFools day so there wasn't a single call.
In fact the only April fool I saw all day was
when Mayor Lumpy wandered in about
noon.
APRIL 4: I see the C.B.C. is planning to
put the nightly news at 10 instead of 11
soon. How thoughtful of them. Now we can
get our daily dose of depression earlier so
we can get to bed earlier and have a whole
extra hour to have nightmares before
morning.
APRIL 6: Cindy Lou and I went out for
supper tonight for Easter. I didn't want to
go. Being seen in public with Cindy Lou
might start rumours, or at least give some
credence to • the rumours Cindy Lou has
already started about us.
Anyway, it came down to a choice
between going over to Cindy Lou's to have
her cook Easter supper, having her come to
my place to cook Easter supper or going
out to a restaurant. I almost thought it
would be better to stay home. I mean what
can you do to ruin ham. But then
I remember how ingeniously inventive
Cindy Lou can become with something as
simple as eggs and I figured it was better
to die of embarrassment than ptomaine.
Then they brought the bill at the restaurant
and 1 thought I was going to die of heart
attack.
APRIL 11: It's been raining a lot lately and
more than one roof is leaking. The roof at
the bank was leaking yesterday. The bank
manager went up to have a look to see if he
could see where.
Harvey Malcolmson saw him up there.
He asked the banker if he was up there
looking for the interest rates that went
through the ceiling last month and haven't
come down yet. The banker did not think
think it was funny.
He didn't think it was funny either when
one of the farmers in the area took his
revenge. He'd just got word that the
interest on the money he owed had gone up
again. The same day the radio said the
price of pork had hit rock bottom. He took
two of his porkers and dumped them in the
bank door. Said the banker was going to
get them pretty soon anyway so he might
as well feed them too.
I guess I would have thought it was a
good joke if the banker hadn't called me in
to solve the problem. When I got there all
the tellers were standing on the top of the
counters (made me wish the mini skirt was
still in style) screaming their lungs out.
The pigs didn't seem to like their
screaming either. They were
running all over the place trying to prove
that whatever high note the girls reached,
they could reach one higher. They also
knocked out the electrical connection to the
bank computer, upset all the garbage cans
in the place and ate the assistant
manager's lunch.
What luck I have. Even a little place like
Londesboro can have two bank robberies in
a year. Me I end up herding pigs out of a
bank. McGillicuddy, you should have gone
into stamp collecting.
APRIL 14: The Oscars were on tonight. Not
much suspense in the whole affair: I don't
mean who'll win but which movie star will
come closest to getting arrested for nudity
in a public place. I suspect a coverup this
year.
Ah well it was a quieter night for me at
least. A couple of weeks ago when the
Canadian television and radio people got
together to have their awards celebration it
wasn't so quiet. Their award was called the
Nellie and was a rather plump, naked girl.
About half an hour into the show 1 got a
call from one irate local woman who
insisted that I do something about the
indecent acts that were being performed on
television. I immediately thought I'd been
watching the wrong channel and missed
something good. No,she said it was right
there on CBC. They were producing more
of that immoral television. It turned out it
was the awards show she was complaining
about. Turns out that while they were
making the acceptance speech some of the
men winners were fondling the little lady
all over.
I assured her that it was probably that
they were just nervous but it did add some
extra enjoyment to the show when I went
back to watching it. I wonder what she
thought of the actors who were fondling a
naked statuette called Oscar?
APRIL 20: Councillor Sally Hemple called
me at home today. She was furious (when
isn't she). She'd been planning a big
meeting in the town for people concerned
about vandalism. She even invited me to
speak but I said my grandmother had died.
(She had too, about 15 years ago.) Anyway.
Sally had her meeting and nobody but a
few close friends came. Seems she had put
up signs all over town advertising the
meeting but vandals ripped them down.
APRIL 22: All the talk these days is about
the referendum in Quebec and whether the
country will survive.
I think the federal government missed
the boat. They're talking about having a
referendum of their own after the Quebec
referendum but I think they should have
had one before. If all the people outside
Quebec had voted to throw Quebec out of
the country, then Quebeckers would likely
be fighting to get in today, not out.
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VILLAGE SQUIRE/MAY 1980 PG. 23