HomeMy WebLinkAboutVillage Squire, 1980-01, Page 34P.S.
It was a case
for the
psychiatric journals
BY KEITH ROULSTON
It didn't start out as if it would be the
most interesting case the psychiatrist had
ever heard.
"Doctor", the man on the couch was
saying, "I want to have a sex change
operation."
"Uh huh", the doctor nodded absently.
Everybody and his brother wanted sex
change operations these days. These
confessions were getting absolutely bor-
ing.
"I'd also like to get tattooed all ,over."
The psychiatrist sat up straight. Now
this was more interesting.
"And what kinds of pictures do you want
tattooed all over your body?"
"Oh no pictures. I hate pictures. They're
horrid looking things. I saw this girl the
other day and she had this snake tattooed
all around her...well you know."
"So what do you want to be tattooed on
your body?" the psychiatrist asked
puzzled.
"Nothing. I just want to be black...or
yellow...or maybe green would be the -best
colour of all."
The psychiatrist reached over and turned
on his tape recorder. He wanted to catch
every word of this. It might earn him a
chance to write an article in a psychiatric
journal.
"But why would you want to be a green
woman?"
"Well I guess green is a little extreme.
Maybe I should just make it black and
switch religions from being Presbyterian to
Moslem."
The case was getting more and more
curious. The doctor was on the edge of his
chair, straining forward.
"Actually", the patient was saying, "I
think I should have been Jewish. I mean
I'm like a character out of a Woody Allen
32 Village Squire, January 1980
movie. I feel guilty about everything at
every hour of the day. If in the middle of
the night 1 wake up from a sound sleep and
realize I'm not feeling guilty. I feel guilty
for not feeling guilty.
"You see I'm it. Doctor. I'm the one
everybody hates. I'm white Canadian
Anglo Saxon protestant. 1 make a
reasonably good living, about $20.000 a
year. And I can't take it anymore.
"How wonderful it would be to be some
black in South Africa. 1 mean they can be
mad at everybody. They may have to worry
about starving to death but at least they
don't feel guilty about it. They can be mad
at Canadians because we're so rich.
They're mad at all us whites because it's
white men'who are holding them down. So
I feel guilty because I've got money and
they haven't. I feel guilty because my skin
is white and all those white people are
doing such horrible things."
"Well you really can't do much about
people halfway around the world", the
doctor comforted.
"But even if 1 can keep my mind off that
I can't avoid the guilt here. I mean what
about the Indians. Think about what we
whites have done to them. I mean i've only
ever seen two Indians in my life but every
time an Indian comes on the national news
and talks about all the injustices we whites
have done to them 1 feel like throwing
myself off a bridge in shame. Why haven't
I gone out and dedicated my life to righting
the injustices. I, keep asking myself.
"And if it's not the Indians it's the poor,
complaining about the middle class. And if
it's not the poor it's the French Canadians.
Every time Rene Levesque talks about
Quebec separating because we Anglos
don't understand the Francos I feel as if 1
personally am splitting the country in half.
I took a French immersion course last year
but i flunked. I keep trying to speak French
but I can't find anybody to talk to who
understands French. Do you know how
hard it is in Western Ontario to find
somebody who speaks French? About the
only contribution i can make to
understanding is when 1 use the French
instructions on the side of the oatmeal bag
to make niy porridge in the morning. Even
that doesn't work out all the time though. I
never could translate the word cup right
and last week I ended up with three gallons
of porridge instead of three cups."
"But you can't solve these problems that
are so far out of your reach," the doctor
said, trying to quiet the patient who was
becoming more and more anxious. "Try to
think only about things close to home."
"But l'nt guilty right at home. 1 mean 1
get up in the morning and the first thing i
see is my wife: a woman, doctor. Do you
know what that does for my guilt feelings
the first thing in the morning? Do you
realize how we men have mistreated
women over the years? I've read them all,
Betty Frieden, Germaine Greer, Margaret
Trudeau. How can we men ever make it up
to women all the past mistreatment? I
mean I bring her breakfast in bed and do
the housework and look after the kids and
turn over my whole pay. cheque and only
get an allowance of $4.98 a week for myself
but after all. I can't have children? Think of
the pain my wife went through. How can I
ever forgive myself?"
"But you want to be green?"
"Well I figure if I'm a green Moslem
woman 1 should be the ultimate in
minorities. Everybody would look down on
me and I'd be able to make them feel guilty
for discriminating against me for a change.
But just my luck green would probably
become the ''in" colour and I'd be more
guilty than ever."
With that the poor pian, frustrated with
guilt got up, ran across the room and
prepared to throw himself out the 20th
story office window.
"Wait", the doctor screamed. "Think of
how guilt you'll feel on the way down
knowing the mess you'll make for the
street cleaners when you hit bottom."
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