The Citizen, 1990-02-14, Page 21THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 1990. PAGE 21.
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Marriage affects friendships
You may be doing something
unforgivable in the eyes of your
single friends: Getting married. By
being sensitive to those close to you
who may be envious or fearful of
losing you, you can dispel guilt
feelings for your own happiness
and work to strengthen your friend
ships. Here are some suggestions
from Bride’s Magazine about how
you can stablize the many types of
“friendships” that occur when you
marry.
EXTRA ATTENTION
The neglected friend. With two
career schedules to juggle and
limited time to spend together,
most newlyweds find it difficult to
justify going out with single friends
alone. Even staunch allies may feel
deserted or relegated to the side
lines. “If two friends are single and
one marries, the single person
often takes stock of her situation
and feels left behind, even though
she’s happy her friend is moving
on,” says Cynthia Mitchell, PhD.,
a clinical psychologist in Cam
bridge, Mass.
What’s important to the contin
uity of the friendship is for both of
you to explain the pulls that you are
experiencing. Even a 10-minute
phone call or short note can
appease hurt feelings. Then, when
your newlywed life is settled, be
sure your friend knows how much
his or her patience was appreciat-
ed.
The jealous friend. The “man
shortage” has created its share of
acute spinsterphobia among single
women. Your plans may make
them feel jealous, even hostile,
from the moment you announce
your engagement. But recognizing
the reasons behind those feelings
can help keep them to a minium.
Hauling out your gifts may have
brought shouts of glee at your 14th
birthday party, but your friend
might now interpret a display of
wedding gifts as showy or bragg
ing. Instead of dwelling on your
glorious future with the man of
your dreams, focus on your friend’s
ideas, new job, or mutual hobbies.
Renew the interests that brought
you together as friends originally.
SEEKING SPACE
The valuable new friend. In time,
the protective shell that newlywed
couples usually build around each
other falls away, and they become
more objective about marriage, and
their spouses. The husband and
wife realize that they can’t fulfill
each other’s every need, so they
begin to seek out other people to
enjoy interests and hobbies that
their spouse doesn’t share - a
passion for ballet, or a penchant for
flea markets. Your outings can
enrich your marriage, and you’ll
return home full of energy, enthus
iasm and new experiences to
relate.
The venerable old friend. Reviv
ing an old friendship can also fill a
need for continuity in your life.
Friends often share a history that
predates the couple’s relationship:
Good times you had in the “old
neighbourhood”, or memories of
one of your parents who’s no longer
alive. Reminiscing over old photo
graphs and stories with your hus
band won’t be quite the same,
because he wasn’t there. Your
friend was.
say ring shouldJewellers
cost 2 months salary
Choosing a diamond for your
engagement doesn’t have to be
confusing if you follow a few simple
rules. Jewellery appraiser Harold
Weinstein offers these tips:
□ First, set your budget. That
way, you’ll know exactly how much
you’re going to spend and avoid
being tempted out of your price
range. The rule of thumb used by
jewellers is to choose a ring
equivalent to your salary for two
months.
□The Four Cs - carat weight,
clarity, colour and cut - determine a
diamond’s quality. Clarity refers to
flawlessness; colour the absence of
yellow in the stone, and carat, the
size. Cut is often overlooked, but it
determines the brilliance - or fire -
of the diamond. The lower the
grade of the cut, the duller the
stone.
□ Don’t overlook the fiery beauty
of a diamond. If you have a limited
budget and select a large stone,
you are choosing lower quality,
which means less brilliance. For a
better quality diamond, choose a
smaller carat size.
□ It’s a matter of personal taste
whether to choose a diamond
solitaire or a cluster. However, the
inherent value of a solitaire is
greater because all the weight is in
the single diamond, as opposed to
smaller diamonds in a cluster that
amount to the same carat weight.
□ Don’t allow yourself to be
rushed into buying your ring. It’s a
big investment. If you feel the sales
clerk is not answering your ques
tions, or not answering in a way
you understand, find another deal
er.
□ Bargain shoppers should bear
in mind the adage that if it looks too
good to be true, it probably is.
ACCEPTING CHANGE
The “nothing in common” de
nominator. It’s important to under
stand that while friendships are
valuable, drifting apart is also a
part of life’s process. Interests and
needs are constantly being honed,
and turning points such as marri
age lead you to pay more attention |
to relationships that enrich you.
If, despite differences in your
lives, you still want to hold on to a
good friend, make a concentrated M
effort to appreciate each other’s life
choices, needs and interests. It
doesn’t hurt to admit that while you
love your spouse, you envy your
friend’s plans to tour Japan, begin
a new career in a distant city, or
devote time to a political group.
Chances are, that friend craves a
part of your world as well, and you
can reinforce satisfaction with your
choices by admitting that each
lifestyle is appealing.
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