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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 1986-02-12, Page 16PAGE 16. THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 1986. Side4 16 Making a marriage work Tips on making a marriage last BYDOUG ZEHR PASTOR BRUSSELS MENNONITE FELLOWSHIP One of the sad realities in thinking about marriage is that many marriages of today just do not last. That is not the kind of thinking one expects young engag- ed couples to be contempating. But perhaps the romantic r agina- tions of courting days need to be invaded with a little of that kind of reality. A family court judge once said, "I believe half of the divorces I'm asked to grant could be avoided if the couples involved would keep on talking to each other." The judge was only partially right. Communication in marriage is vital, just as it is in any relationship. But good communi- cation is more than talking to each other. Listening and hearing are also important. My guess is that half of the divorces which that judge grants could be avoided if couples would talk less to each other and listen more. We need to take time - enough time - to really listen. As someone suggested, listening in- tently, with one's mouth shut, is one of the most valuable gifts a person can give a spouse in the pursuit of a happy marriage. How can we be better listeners? For one thing, when my partner is talking, I need to guard against, or refuse to think about, what I am going to say when she stops. That is tough, since we actually think four times faster than we speak. Our minds go racing ahead. We look for places to jump in, trying to correct the other, or defend ourselves. When we do that, we mess up the possibilities to really hear what the other person is trying to say. Even listening until the other person is through may not be enough. Understanding includes more than hearing the actual words being spoken. We must ask what the other person means. Whata person actually says and what she means may be two different things. One of the major areas of conflict in my own marriage is what I refer to as our difference in styles. It is best (or should I say worst) reflected in a number of occasions when I would arrive home a half hour or whole hour later than my wife expected. 'Why didn't you let me know?' I would argue that itwas my style. Igo with the flow and I cannot guarantee I'll be anywhere at anytime. I want the freedom to be flexible. As the debate contin- ues, I would argue that my wife needed more flexibility, more freedom from being so schedule - oriented. 'Why can't you call?' was disturbing to me on the surface. It felt like an invasion of my privacy. I needed to listen to those words more closely. As much as my wife was saying, that her schedule was important, she was also saying, 'I care aboutyou' and 'I want to know if you are alright'. If she didn't love me she wouldn't care when I came home. Understanding includes more than hearing the actual words being spoken. A simple phone call (even long distance) is worth it if I understand the underlying feel- ings of love and concern. Listening takes time, the kind of time most couples are willing to spend with each other -when they are dating, like those late nights that actually push into the wee hours of the morning, or the slow meandering strolls under the moonlight and the lazy weekend afternoons just spent together. An ongoing marriage requires some of that kind of time. Just as most individuals do not up and decide to get married on the spur of the moment, most marital break- downs do not happen on the spur of the moment either. Solid marriage relationships are built over time with understanding and commitment. In a similar way a marriage relationship begins to deteriorate long before an unfaith- ful act ever takes place. As an artist explained about one of his paintings, 'It took twenty years and one day! Yes, twenty years to become a painter and one day to do the painting. You see, creating a scene doesn't happen all at once. First you work at skill development. Then you learn how to see your world, how to open your senses, and how totranslatethe ideas you get onto the canvas.' And when you think about it, that is how destructive acts take place too. The murderer's disre gard for human life wasn't adopted overnight. The adulterer's disre- gard for his marriage didn't happen in a moment. The betray- ing of a relationship that is meant to be forever is never an act, but always a process which ultimately results in an act. Lots of time and energy will go into planning the wedding day festivities. Don't rob your marri- age by not thinking about and IMP planning for the time it will take to build a marriage that will last a lifetime. Your relationship needs time and a listening ear to hear the real messages behind the words that will be spoken long after the wedding ceremony. How well you are able to hear will be portrayed on the canvas of your future. OMETHING BEAUTIFUL IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN... IMP BY APPOINTMENT PLEASE 128 ALBERT ST., CLINTON 482-3871 LONDON 452-1133 Why cope with the city's hustle and bustle when we can offer you personalized service at LETTEAU'S? Our experienced staff will help you choose that special gown for your important day. Step through our Bridal Salon and see our wide selection of gowns for the bride, her attendants and the mothers of the bride and groom. Our special during February until March 15th SAVE 10% on all dresses booked and all ALTERATIONS ARE FREE Let us handle the FORMAL SUIT RENTALS for the groom and his attendants A wide selection to choose from 0 FREEMA\ FORMALWEAR SYD SILVER FORMALS LTD 0 FORMAL WEAR Letteau's Bridal Boutique Open Tuesday to Saturday Teeswater Phone for appointment '392-6821 :.� h` Bring your wedding party to the 144, TRIPLE. K RESTAURANT BLYTH after the rehearsal for a private party in our banquet room. Let us look after all the details so you can relax with your friends. REASONABLE PRICES BOOK YOUR PARTY NOW 523-9623 me she wouldn't care when I came home. Understanding includes more than hearing the actual words being spoken. A simple phone call (even long distance) is worth it if I understand the underlying feel- ings of love and concern. Listening takes time, the kind of time most couples are willing to spend with each other -when they are dating, like those late nights that actually push into the wee hours of the morning, or the slow meandering strolls under the moonlight and the lazy weekend afternoons just spent together. An ongoing marriage requires some of that kind of time. Just as most individuals do not up and decide to get married on the spur of the moment, most marital break- downs do not happen on the spur of the moment either. Solid marriage relationships are built over time with understanding and commitment. In a similar way a marriage relationship begins to deteriorate long before an unfaith- ful act ever takes place. As an artist explained about one of his paintings, 'It took twenty years and one day! Yes, twenty years to become a painter and one day to do the painting. You see, creating a scene doesn't happen all at once. First you work at skill development. Then you learn how to see your world, how to open your senses, and how totranslatethe ideas you get onto the canvas.' And when you think about it, that is how destructive acts take place too. The murderer's disre gard for human life wasn't adopted overnight. The adulterer's disre- gard for his marriage didn't happen in a moment. The betray- ing of a relationship that is meant to be forever is never an act, but always a process which ultimately results in an act. Lots of time and energy will go into planning the wedding day festivities. Don't rob your marri- age by not thinking about and IMP planning for the time it will take to build a marriage that will last a lifetime. Your relationship needs time and a listening ear to hear the real messages behind the words that will be spoken long after the wedding ceremony. How well you are able to hear will be portrayed on the canvas of your future. OMETHING BEAUTIFUL IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN... IMP BY APPOINTMENT PLEASE 128 ALBERT ST., CLINTON 482-3871 LONDON 452-1133 Why cope with the city's hustle and bustle when we can offer you personalized service at LETTEAU'S? Our experienced staff will help you choose that special gown for your important day. Step through our Bridal Salon and see our wide selection of gowns for the bride, her attendants and the mothers of the bride and groom. Our special during February until March 15th SAVE 10% on all dresses booked and all ALTERATIONS ARE FREE Let us handle the FORMAL SUIT RENTALS for the groom and his attendants A wide selection to choose from 0 FREEMA\ FORMALWEAR SYD SILVER FORMALS LTD 0 FORMAL WEAR Letteau's Bridal Boutique Open Tuesday to Saturday Teeswater Phone for appointment '392-6821